Honest Answers to Spam
Thanks for the invite. Couple things before we get to the content of your offer. Rule No. 1 of correspondence: If you put an asterisk in a message, you need to, you know, tell us what it means. If we here at CRACKED were writing something to you, we'd do it*.
It's especially important when the asterisk is next to the word "free." Because you're completely giving us the impression that we are going to be facing some kind of a catch, like, maybe the trip is free, but it's to a little-known town called "Disney" near Beirut, or that the only cost is our very souls
This is the monkey's paw of spam, Kelly. Stop fucking with us.
We have to go wretch now, we'll be right back.
Wow, what a nice greeting! And a happy day to you Dunbar!
It's certainly a good thing that you didn't insinuate that we CRACKED staffers are horribly obese, because that's a very sensitive-Hey! Wait a second!
Fatblaster?
Fatblaster, Dunbar?! We don't believe this shit! We are so fucking offended!
You know what? Maybe we don't want to "loose" that "unwanted weight." Maybe we want to keep it on a tight leash to hold onto it forever! And maybe then we'll use the leash for the sake of sadomasochistic sex and force you to watch us fat people do it
And don't think we didn't get that crack about the wind not serving either! Never e-mail us again, Dunbar!
Hahaha! Droll.
Anyway, this offer of yours sounds pretty great. By our calculations, we could be coming out, let's see, about $298,300 on top here. Paying around $700 for nearly $300,000 sounds like perfect business sense to us.
However, the assertion that this won't "last long" has a nurse with a poised needle vibe that concerns us. It makes it sound like this is going to be painful. Is that some kind of indication that the money will be injected into our bodies, perhaps? Or that you're going to shove it up our asses like some sort of financial rectal exam? If so, count us in.
Holy shit.
Count us the fuck in, brother. There is no possible way that this could be bad. Research on pandas? Awesome. Pandas dressed up in lab coats doing research? Double awesome. Being turned into a panda for the purposes of research? The best possible outcome ever.
Think about it. People are encouraging pandas to have sex all the time. And when they're not being encouraged to have sex, they just eat bamboo and sit around. Let's agree that pandas have the best lives ever.
Fuck family, friends and additional rewards-this panda thing is ours.
*See?
Check out more of Matt Wilson's stuff at "The MW Blog". If you're a spammer, you can e-mail him here.
