CRACKED NFL Preview
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AFC East
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New England PatriotsSTRENGTH:You
You don't respect the Patriots. You don't acknowledge their greatness. You don't spend every waking moment thinking about how their awesomeness and striving to be like them in every way you can. Problem is, the Patriots know about your heinous disrespect. And it fuels them.
WEAKNESS:Tom Brady
Can you imagine how tough it must be to concentrate with that dreamboat staring you down in the huddle? What a gorgeous man.
Buffalo BillsSTRENGTH: Track record
It' hard to believe, but the Bills haven't lost a Super Bowl in more than 10 years. In fact, they haven't even gotten close. Impressive, huh?! It' that type of continued success that makes it seem like they could be about to break through.
WEAKNESS: Quarterback
The Bills quarterbacks stink. On the bright side, they're always candidates for Comeback Player of the Year.
Miami DolphinsSTRENGTH: Team morale
Their suspended running back, Ricky Williams, is a total pothead, but luckily he didn't clean out his locker before leaving the team for the CFL. Score!
WEAKNESS:Toughness
Studies show that teams with uniforms colors like Miami' official Pansy Teal and Wuss Orange tend to play like giant pussies.
New York JetsSTRENGTH:Gradual improvement
The Jets have long been viewed as the worst team in the AFC East, but it' been several years since they've finished fifth in the division. That' measurable improvement.
WEAKNESS:Facts
The AFC East was cut down from five teams to four in 2002.
How They'll Finish:
The Patriots will finish 11-5 and clinch the division before the final game, giving Tom Brady a few weeks to rest and bang your girlfriend before the playoffs. The Dolphins and Bills will follow in second and third place, respectively, and the Jets will come in fifth. Somehow.
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AFC North
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Cincinnati BengalsSTRENGTH:Wide receiver
Chad Johnson and T.J. Houshmandzadeh form a dynamic duo that would be even better if Johnson wouldn't insist on only running routes that take him in the direction of TV cameras.
WEAKNESS:Defense
One of the best known sayings in sports is: "Defense wins championships." Probably the only better known saying is: "No team with a defense as awful as the Bengals' will ever win a championship."
Baltimore RavensSTRENGTH:Experience
Over the past few years it' been next to impossible to break open for a big gain against the Baltimore defense. The main reason for their impermeability? Most of the guys on their squad have spent enough time in jail to know that you never let an adversary get behind you.
WEAKNESS:Depth
Linebacker Ray Lewis is one of the best leaders in sports, but his practice of stabbing teammates in the stomach if they miss an assignment has really thinned the team' ranks over the years.
Cleveland BrownsSTRENGTH:Coaching
Say the Browns are flying out to play a West division team and their plane goes down in the Rockies. Romeo Crennel' body could feed the team for a month. Sure, the likes of Bill Cowher, Brian Billick and Jon Gruden have Super Bowls, but they'd only feed a team for a week â€" tops. With the typical NFL appetite, that just won't do.
WEAKNESS:History
The Browns have never appeared in a Super Bowl and have only one winning season in the last 11 years. Add to it the fact that they're uniforms look like actual feces, and that' a lot to overcome.
Pittsburgh SteelersSTRENGTH:Confidence
Pittsburgh won the Super Bowl last season, making them one of only three NFL teams with five championships and finally giving the franchise "One for the Thumb." Now the Steelers are set to get another ring with the rallying cry: "One for the Cock."
WEAKNESS:Leadership
Team leader Jerome Bettis retired, so that leaves quarterback Ben Roethlisberger to fill the void. But when Roethlisberger grows a beard, his cleft chin makes it look like he has a hairy ball sack stuck to his face. And it' hard to be a leader of men with a scrotum on your face. Ask any French general.
How They'll Finish:
The Steelers will win the division with a 12-4 record with the Bengals and Ravens behind them at 9-7. That' nine wins, seven losses or nine arrests, seven convictions. We're not sure which.
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AFC South
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Houston TexansSTRENGTH:They've got Reggie Bush!
The Texans were fortunate enough to get the No. 1 pick in this year' draft, enabling them to pick a once-in-a-generation talent like Reggie Bush.
WEAKNESS:Are you kidding me?!
They didn't pick him?! They picked some lineman from NC State? Oh, wow, wow, wow. What an awful organization.
Indianapolis ColtsSTRENGTH:Experience
The Colts have lost in the playoffs in almost every way imaginable. So before long they'll have run out of ways to lose, meaning they'll finally win the Super Bowl. Or they'll start missing the playoffs altogether. Either or.
WEAKNESS:Rudeness of opponents
Do the Colts' opponents not know it is Peyton Manning' destiny to win the Super Bowl? How dare they stand in the way of the greatness predestined for Archie' little boy! It' rude is what it is. Every time he throws a pass in the chest of opposing defender, they should drop it out of respect.
Tennessee TitansSTRENGTH:Hope
Some said the Titans shouldn't draft Vince Young — a side-armed quarterback with no concept of a pro offense and the intellect of jockstrap. But the Titans are idealists. Stupid, doomed idealists. But idealists nonetheless.
WEAKNESS:Not memorable
People remember the Titans from the Denzel Washington movie. But not these Titans. These Titans aren't memorable because these Titans suck. In fact, the only reason people remember these Titans is so they can remind themselves not to watch them again.
Jacksonville JaguarsSTRENGTH:Motivation
The Jaguars are one of the franchises that the NFL could move to Los Angeles. Jacksonville' players can use that carrot as a reason to play well in hopes of raising their marketability for when they leave the hell hole that is Jacksonville, Florida.
WEAKNESS:Quarterback
It doesn't seem fair that the Jaguars got stuck with the only immobile black quarterback in history.
How They'll Finish:
The Colts will take the division with 11 wins, not counting playoff victories. Counting playoff victories, they'll have 11 wins.
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AFC West
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Denver BroncosSTRENGTH:Thin mountain air
As any ESPN commentator will tell you, the Broncos always have an advantage over their opponents who struggle to play in such high altitude.
WEAKNESS:Thin mountain air
As any ESPN commentator will tell you, the thin air allows Jake Plummer' passes to stay aloft a split second longer, making them that much easier to intercept.
Kansas City ChiefsSTRENGTH:Coaching
Not that new coach Herm Edwards is all that great, but at least he doesn't break into tears every five minutes like that estrogen junkie Dick Vermeil.
WEAKNESS:Tackling
The Chiefs don't care for it. And who can blame them? People can get hurt.
Oakland RaidersSTRENGTH:The autumn wind is a Raider
At least according to John Facenda of NFL Films it is. Unfortunately, the autumn wind smells like rotting foliage and in Oakland, worse.
WEAKNESS:Compassion
The Raiders brought in former Saints quarterback Aaron Brooks to be their new quarterback just months after New Orleans was leveled by Hurricane Katrina. It's very kind of them to bring in a hurricane refugee and give him a job, but their plans to actually play him? Madness.
San Diego ChargersSTRENGTH:Offense
The Chargers can struggle a bit when it comes to wins and losses, but their players are outstanding when it comes to putting up fantasy stats. And for most football fans, that's all that matters.
WEAKNESS:Weather
What? We didn't make the playoffs? Oh well. Hey can you give me a ride to the beach.
How They'll Finish:
Give the division to the Chiefs because Larry Johnson will run for more than 2,000 yards — and then their game against the Raider will end. (Bu-dum-cha!)
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NFC East
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Dallas CowboysSTRENGTH:Priorities
The Cowboys brought in Terrell Owens this offseason, making it clear to the team that no matter how big of a dick someone may be, winning always comes first.
WEAKNESS:Coaching
Bill Parcells preaches discipline. And, boy, does it sure ring true considering he doesn't have the discipline to push away from the table after his third box of doughnuts.
New York GiantsSTRENGTH:Quarterback
Based on his appearance, it' clear Giants quarterback Eli Manning has Down syndrome. And as anyone who saw "Radio" knows, having a retarded person hang around a football team can inspire it to greatness.
WEAKNESS:Stadium
Yes, Giants Stadium is one of the most outdated venues in the NFL. And, yes, it doesn't provide as many revenue streams as its rivals' homes do. But the worst part is having to share the stadium with the Jets. The Giants have a real and understandable fear that the Jets' suck rubs off on them.
Philadelphia EaglesSTRENGTH:Fans
Nothing motivates a football team more than knowing that if they play poorly they'll be booed, cussed out and have beer dumped on them by a balding, middle aged, fat guy who can't keep a job and has been divorced three times.
WEAKNESS:Defense
The Eagles still employ the outdated 4-3 defense. Come on, Eagles — get with the times! Only seven players? Modern defenses have 11.
Washington RedskinsSTRENGTH:Ownership
Redskins owner Daniel Snyder is willing to spend any amount of money to get what his team needs. Which is good, considering they need a lot due to all of the awful players they've overpaid for in recent years.
WEAKNESS:Racin'
Head coach Joe Gibbs loves him some NASCAR. In fact, nothing takes his mind off of his team' putrid offense and the failure that his return to the NFL has been like watching cars go around in a circle.
How They'll Finish:
Look for the Cowboys to take the division in a tight race with a 10-6 record. And if that happens, expect Dallas owner Jerry Jones to get plastic surgery to make his face into a permanent smile.
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NFC North
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Chicago BearsSTRENGTH:Quarterback
The Bears signed Brian Griese in the offseason to compete with Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton. Now Chicago has top to bottom mediocrity at the quarterback position that few teams can compete with.
WEAKNESS:Defense
Sometimes Chicago' defense gives up points, and that' just not very helpful considering their offense doesn't score any.
Detroit LionsSTRENGTH:Fighting obesity in America
The Lions play on national television every Thanksgiving and it's impossible to watch them without becoming nauseous. America's waistline thanks them for it.
WEAKNESS:Football
Green Bay PackersSTRENGTH:Loyalty
Even though Brett Favre has been going downhill for years and led the league last season with 29 interceptions, the Packers allowed him to string them along for months this offseason until he made up his mind on whether to grace them again this season with his presence and turnovers.
WEAKNESS:Telling washed-up players to get lost
Sometimes loyalty isn't the best idea.
Minnesota VikingsSTRENGTH:Party planning
If you want a party — maybe a boat party with some strippers and a few double-headed sex toys — these are the guys to call. But if you want a division title or a Super Bowl, you might want to go elsewhere.
WEAKNESS:Minnesota' 10,000 lakes
So many lakes, so little time.
How They'll Finish:
Bears will come in first, Lions second, Packers third and Vikings all over some stripper' breasts.
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NFC South
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Atlanta FalconsSTRENGTH:Running back
Atlanta' running back is not only a threat to take it to the end zone every time he touches the ball, but he also has a decent throwing arm for a non-quarterback. What? Michael Vick is their quarterback?! Oh.
WEAKNESS:Vulnerability to disease
With Michael Vick using all the water bottles and the team shower and bathroom and everything, the Falcons are always this close to a raging case of the herp decimating the roster.
Carolina PanthersSTRENGTH:Team Spirit
The Panthers organization is so united from top to bottom that their cheerleaders have sex with each other in nightclub bathrooms. Every team should be that close. No, seriously. Think about that.
WEAKNESS:Logo
It doesn't send a good message when the Panther logo on your helmet is yawning. Not that I can blame it. I'd yawn, too, if I had to sit up there watching the Panthers all the time.
New Orleans SaintsSTRENGTH:The existence of the Houston Texans
Houston' incompetence allowed Reggie Bush to fall to the Saints in the NFL Draft. Who knew there are organizations worse than the Saints?
WEAKNESS:Fan support
Come on, people of New Orleans! The Saints need more season ticket commitments. They need improvements to their home arena. They need more corporate sponsors. And the list goes on. It' time for you to step up, New Orleans! I mean, let' have some priorities here. We're talking about freaking football. This is important stuff. You can have a house when the Saints get a Super Bowl title.
Tampa Bay BuccaneersSTRENGTH:Coaching
Some coaches don't let their players know where they stand. Not so with Jon Gruden. All his players have to do is look at his facial expression. It says that he's angry with them and thinks that they suck. It may also say that he has an intense headache brought on by an undetected brain tumor for which he should probably seek medical attention.
WEAKNESS:Taint sweat
The Buccaneers have a lot of it. And their pewter uniform pants let us see it in all of its glorious disgustingness.
How They'll Finish:
The Saints will win the division with a 4-12 record by default when a massive hurricane rolls up the East Coast, leveling everything in its path. Yeah, see how you like it Tampa, Atlanta and Charlotte.
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NFC South
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Arizona CardinalsSTRENGTH:Home crowd
Rookie QB Matt Leinart will have the perfect atmosphere in which to learn, because due to historically awful attendance, the Cardinals are often able to play in complete silence.
WEAKNESS:Quarterback health
Starting quarterback Kurt Warner is often injured (where' your Jesus now, huh Kurt?), and first round draft pick Matt Leinart will no doubt have to go on the injured reserve list this year with a "groin injury" brought on by dipping into the toxic stew of venereal disease that is Paris Hilton.
San Francisco 49ersSTRENGTH:Being adorable
Like the Bad News Bears or a youth soccer team, the 49ers' awfulness is extremely cute and endearing.
WEAKNESS:Rom Coms and Ben & Jerry's
Hey,San Francisco does things to a man.
Seattle SeahawksSTRENGTH:Being giant pussies
No team has every complained about losing as much as the Seahawks did after losing Super Bowl XL to the Steelers. So even if they're not champions in football, they'll always be champions at being pathetic crybabies. Kudos on that, Seahawks!
WEAKNESS:Recent History
Teams who have lost in the Super Bowl in recent years have failed to even qualify for the playoffs the following season. But it' doubtful a team with such a rich history of success as the Seattle Seahawks will fall victim to something like that.
St. Louis RamsSTRENGTH:Ownership
If NFL players had to pick a team owner to sleep with, without a doubt it would be Rams owner Georgia Frontiere. (Unless, of course, Jerry Jones got plastic surgery to make himself look like Beyonce.)
WEAKNESS:Playing Defense
But offense is just so fun! Whee! Look at me run with the ball! Whee!
How They'll Finish:
How the fuck are we supposed to know? What — you think we're psychic or something?
DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the award-winning sports satire site SportsPickle.com.
