A Look Inside The Mailbox of Muhammad Ali
Dear Muhammad,Thank you for the birthday card. I really appreciate that you took the time to write it by hand, I guess.
I think I saw a question mark in there"¦ not sure what kind of response you were looking for; the answer' probably "no." Though I really have no idea.
But, yeah, thanks again.
Sincerely,
Bob Costas
Hey, Shithead-You think you're so good because you beat me two out of three times? You think you're the greatest? Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee? My ass. Float like a cell phone on vibrate, more like it.
I challenge you to a fight. Any time, any place. I bet you're trembling at the thought. Ha! Get it? Joe Frazier know how to make a joke.
Bring it,
Joe Frazier
P.S. I could fuck up your daughter, too.
Dear Mr. Ali,I am one of your biggest fans, and think I can help you get your life back. Attached is a pamphlet from the Church of Scientology. Once you understand that neuroscience is a pseudoscience, you'll be back in the ring in no time, boxing, climbing trees, writing your name, whatever.
You haven't studied Parkinson' Disease like I have, Mo. Here we are today, and I talk out against drugs and the psychiatric abuses of deep brain stimulation and vitamin E supplements. Do you know vitamin E? Do you know now that vitamin E is a street drug? Do you understand that?
Anyway, if you'd like to become a Scientologist and be cured of that shaking thing you do, just send me a check for $75,000 and we'll bump you all the way up to a "Level-Six Wizard Prophet."
Passionately Yours,
Tom Cruise
Dear Muhammad,Sorry, but I'm afraid I can't bring you dopamine for Christmas. I don't service Muslims"¦ or Moslems or whatever you are. Is there a difference? I never really understood that.
Anyway, were you still Cassius Clay, you'd be in luck. I brought that kid from Back to the Future a whole sack full of dopamine last year. He' fine now. He just pretends to have the shakes 'cause he' rakin' in the poon-tang.
Yours,
Santa Claus
Dear Mr. Ali,We here at FOX would like YOU to star in the next GREAT American reality TV show. NBC thinks they're hot shit 'cause they had Sylvester Stallone hosting a boxing show. Gimme a fucking BREAK! You could have taken Rocky any day of the week and twice again on ANY Sunday again, twice again.
Here' the premise: we wheel you on stage with TRUMPETS blaring and fanfare and what not. Then a bunch of people BEAT THE SHIT out of each other while you keep score with a bowling PENCIL and a really small score sheet. If anyone' eye gets swollen and THEY yell, "Cut me!," you run into the RING with a razor blade and cut a centimeter-long gash just below their EYEBALL. When it' all over, you make the winner a SANDWICH, personally slicing the meat and cheese WITH the bloody razor blade from the fights.
We think you'd be perfect for the show.
As soon as you sign and return the attached contract, we'll start filming.
Todd Levy,
Director of Creative Development
21st Century FOX
