The 5 Most Unintentionally Hilarious Movie Sex Acts
Is there any film that can't be improved with sex? Of course not. Imagine how great Citizen Kane would be if, instead of dropping a snow globe as he died, Charles Foster Kane had stolen a girl's bikini, and she had to chase him around the house for a bit, and then they started fucking. Are you imagining? See, we're usually right about this stuff.
But we're also sometimes wrong. Here are five of the worst, most unintentionally hilarious sex acts ever to be shown on the silver screen.
Swordfish (2001)
WHO'S GETTING BUSY:
Hugh Jackman is "serviced" by Helga the prostitute while John Travolta holds a gun to his head, and forces him to hack into the Department of Defense's database. If he can't hack the DoD in 60 seconds, Jackman dies.
WHY IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY:
The ultimate challenge: Could you keep a cool head, even while a hot blonde call girl is giving you the hey-hey down-there business?
WHY IT'S HILARIOUS:
Nothing ruins a hard-on like being held at gunpoint. Worse, in this case it's not even a hot Russian spystress holding the gun-you're being threatened by Big Fat John Travolta (right). If you don't think that's a boner killer, then hello, Man Who's Never Had a Boner! Did you have a fun time at John Travolta's beach house?
Worse, Swordfish implies Travolta's instigated this "hacker test" before, which leads us to wonder just how many dicks this poor woman has sucked that have suddenly gone as limp as a sad little rag doll once the guy she was blowing got shot in the head? Inevitable depressing thoughts like these make this one of the worst scenes ever in movie blowjob history.
The Crow: City of Angels (1996)
WHO'S GETTING BUSY:
Goth stripper Holly Daze does a naughty, private strip show for a lonely, creepy stranger.
CLICK HERE TO VIEW (NOT SAFE FOR WORK!)
WHY IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY:
A provocative and uncompromising look into the world of underground peep shows. The audience will be shocked by this woman's willingness to degrade herself for a total stranger"¦ and yet they won't be able to turn away.
WHY IT'S HILARIOUS:
First of all, the guy looks like Steven Tyler with runny mascara. He's a total tool, which is made even more clear when he says, "I wanna see some sugar." Yeah, 1920s slang-how very goth. That's why there are so many buttons at Hot Topic with phrases like, "You're the boss, applesauce," and "Everything is Jake!"
However, the best reason for including this masterpiece is for the final line. In a gruff, Wolverine-style growl, the guy says-as he's getting ready to come-"We're gonna celebrate Christmas a little early this year."
Oh boy! I'm sure that's just what Holly wanted. Put that sperm in a box, wrap it up and place it lovingly under the tree. Hey, too much emphasis is placed on consumerism during the holidays, which is why it's the handmade gifts that mean the most.
Conan the Barbarian (1982)
WHO'S GETTING BUSY:
Conan caresses his new girlfriend, Valeria the thief, in a loving embrace:
CLICK HERE TO VIEW (NOT SAFE FOR WORK!)
WHY IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY:
Conan is a savage Barbarian King; surely he can know nothing of tenderness, and yet he fondles his lady's bosoms with such a delicate touch. The audience is caught off guard and thus moved by the big brute's soft side.
WHY IT'S HILARIOUS:
Schwarzenegger as a caring lover seems just a little less realistic than Schwarzenegger as Danny DeVito's twin. You can see the frustration and confusion all over his half-hearted boob-cupping. The idea that you would treat a woman like anything besides a highly articulated sex doll seems foreign and laughable to him. We imagine that if you could hear the original audio from this scene it would feature director John Milius screaming directions at Arnold as if he were a disobedient dog. "Lightly touch her breast! LIGHTLY! No, you're groping them, Arnold. I SAID NO GROPING!"
Plus, this clip has not aged well. In 1982, you could go to a movie theater, watch Arnold Schwarzenegger earnestly fondle a girl's bare breasts in a loin cloth to the sounds of a cheesy orchestra and not break into hysterics. We were so much simpler back then.
9½ Weeks (1986)
WHO'S GETTING BUSY:
After ducking into an alley in order to escape a pack of New York City street goons, Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger engage in some good old-fashioned violent rain sex:
CLICK HERE TO VIEW (NOT SAFE FOR WORK!)
WHY IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY:
This is the kind of spontaneous, unbridled love making that can only happen when two people are at the very edge of their beings. Intoxicated by their brush with death, Basinger and Rourke now feel more alive than ever and must fuck like champs in order to truly embrace the moment.
WHY IT'S HILARIOUS:
No one, aside from homeless people and runaway teenagers, should ever be so horny that they're willing to do it in a New York alleyway. We get that these two are completely "in the moment," but couldn't they have held out for a slightly cleaner place to screw? Where fewer drunks on their way home from Boo Radley's didn't stop to take a piss? A phone booth? Natural History Museum coatroom?
Danger may be a huge aphrodisiac, but come on! You need to be cautious walking around barefoot through New York. We can't think of anything so sexy that we'd be willing to whip out our most precious organs in a place that's festering with disease. Then again"¦ I suppose Bassinger already kind of made that judgment call when she decided to take it from Mickey Rourke in the first place.
The Star Wars Trilogy (The Good One, Not the Other One)
(NOTE: See a piece of it at :56)
WHO'S GETTING BUSY:
To annoy Han Solo, Leia Organa passionately kisses Luke Skywalker on the lips.
WHY IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY:
Luke Skywalker is the youthful embodiment of every lonely teen out there. Getting kissed by the hottest girl in the galaxy (and a princess, no less!) is every young boy's dream.
WHY IT'S HILARIOUS:
Incest! First of all, we know this isn't a "sex scene" per se, but when you first watch these movies at age eight, it might as well be. Second, we realize calling this "incest" is blunt, but c'mon-it's a big problem with the original trilogy. After Return of the Jedi, every re-watching of the Luke/Leia bridge swing kiss in Star Wars or the full on make-out scene in Empire makes the audience squirm in their chairs worse than Alberto Gonzales in front of a senate subcommittee. Or worse than Bill Maher at Southern Baptist tent revival. Or"¦ Michael Jackson at a"¦ young boys"¦ jubilee"¦ naked. We're spent.
You can't re-watch those scenes without feeling weird. People always give George Lucas crap for the "prequels," but the Luke and Leia brother/sister twist showed that even in his prime, Lucas made some shitty decisions. Lucas always stated that he'd planned out the movies way in advance, so either he's lying and just makes this crap up as he goes ("I got it-they're related! And hopefully people will just ignore how much they made out!") or he intentionally wrote an incest plot ("I got it-they're related! Incest is hot!"). Either way: Poor show, George.
