Election '08: The 12 Worst Candidate Websites
Like religion, mediocre classic rock and 9/11, the Internet is the latest thing presidential candidates are "all about" exploiting. The only problem is, the grandparent-ish crowd currently running for our highest office has no idea what the Web is, let alone how to create a decent website on it. Join CRACKED.com on a depressing journey through the misguided, awkward campaign websites designed by the leading presidential candidates (and the bib-wearing, barely functional staffers who have so poorly advised them).
HILLARY CLINTON (HillaryClinton.com)
OVERALL IMPRESSION
Like her campaign, the site is pitch-perfect on the exterior in every way, although several international human rights laws were no doubt broken to achieve the effect.
AWKWARD ATTEMPT AT HIPNESS
"Be a Hillraiser"-it' like being a Hellraiser, only you have to stay sober and your youth officially dies!
WEIRDEST MOMENT
More so than any other candidate, Clinton touts ridiculously meaningless endorsements, like this poo-poo approval from the Nevada state treasurer:
JOHN EDWARDS (JohnEdwards.com)
OVERALL IMPRESSION
Yawn, John Edwards. Yawn.
AWKWARD ATTEMPT AT HIPNESS
The "Grassroots Fundraising" initiative, which is systematically and centrally organized by Edwards' enormous campaign, and therefore not really "grassroots" at all when you think about it.
WEIRDEST MOMENT
Unlike most other politicians, Edwards still makes a noble effort to use the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina to grandstand for personal gain. His concern is no doubt genuine, but so is his dedication to publicizing himself. (Do most volunteers parade around the 9th Ward with a camera crew and a microphone clipped to their shirts?)
JOE BIDEN (JoeBiden.com)
OVERALL IMPRESSION
It' tough to get a feel for the site with Joe Biden' floating head staring at you the whole time. Apparently, his campaign felt that if their man watched you-intently, longingly and judgmentally-from the top right of the site throughout your entire JoeBiden.com experience, you'd be hypnotized into contributing.
AWKWARD ATTEMPT AT HIPNESS
"Get Email From Joe Biden." Wow, you mean he'll write an electronic mail just for me?
WEIRDEST MOMENT
This image shows how, on a recent campaign stop, Senator Biden threatened the life of a six-year-old boy.
DENNIS KUCINICH (Kucinich.us)
OVERALL IMPRESSION
There is no doubt that this website was designed by the candidate himself.
AWKWARD ATTEMPT AT HIPNESS
The 35-years-late peace symbol with the American flag inside of it. Real fucking mature, Dennis Kucinich.
WEIRDEST MOMENT
Kucinich' wife is a smoking hot, 30-year-old hippie. Well, smoking hot for politics, anyway.
BARACK OBAMA (BarackObama.com)
OVERALL IMPRESSION
There's something a little odd about being asked for our credit card numbers while being teased with videos of Barack Obama eating dinner-like we've accidentally stumbled onto a pay-fetish website we're not soon to forget.
AWKWARD ATTEMPT AT HIPNESS
"Join Obama Mobile" so that you can hear about his campaign on your cell phone, because you definitely won't hear enough about it on TV, the radio and the Internet.
WEIRDEST MOMENT
The Obama store offers this sexy, form-fitting women' tank top. Because if there' one thing that gets me hotter than a barely covered set of mams, it' a barely covered set of mams with Barack Obama' handsome face plastered over them.
LANAKILA WASHINGTON (geocities.com/washingtonforpresident/2008)
OVERALL IMPRESSION
He' got our vote. Which other candidate' agenda includes "Creating fortune for all Americans and making America a land of music"? Plus, the classy, low-resolution image of the flag plastered behind the entire site lets people know that Mr. Lanakila Washington super loves America all time lots.
AWKWARD ATTEMPT AT HIPNESS
Washington' senior prom photo on the homepage tells visitors that he is an educated and virile man, and would like to buy you a nice dinner if you're not busy this Friday night.
WEIRDEST MOMENT
The proudly displayed picture of Washington speaking at a peace rally with three whole attendees.
RUDY GIULIANI (JoinRudy2008.com)
OVERALL IMPRESSION
By overusing Giuliani' first name, his campaign has aligned him with the Rudy from that movie about that short kid who got into a Notre Dame football game one time in the '70s. Because, after all, if we want our President to be like one person, it' a short, dyslexic benchwarmer who' essentially a conman trying to making a living off of one measly sack. Giuliani-and America-would be better off if he emulated Brady Quinn.
AWKWARD ATTEMPT AT HIPNESS
A section called "The Buzz," which, of course, is comprised of focus-grouped, corporate-style, targeted press releases-the opposite of "buzz."
WEIRDEST MOMENT
If you raise enough money for Giuliani, you'll be rewarded with this handsome signed baseball card, which is part one in a one-part set, has nothing to do with baseball and is just a wallet-sized photocopy of the website' main image.
MITT ROMNEY (MittRomney.com)
OVERALL IMPRESSION
"Team Mitt" wants to bring true strength, wholesome family values and a complete absence of any stimulation whatsoever to America. He'd also apparently like his ads to feel as fun and youthful as going to church, which the kids love.
AWKWARD ATTEMPT AT HIPNESS
"Mitt TV," that sure sounds like fun "ÃÂæ Oh wait, never mind-it' just the same bunch of sound bites that CNN uses, but now you have to wait seven minutes for them to load.
WEIRDEST MOMENT
The "Five Sons" section follows the blogging exploits of-you guessed it-Romney' five Mormon sons. The real question it raises: Is America ready for a President who likes to fuck this much?
SAM BROWNBACK (Brownback.com)
OVERALL IMPRESSION
Brownback' simplistic site can mean one of two things: either he' a no-frills Midwesterner that don't care none too much for the fancy sites some of his rivals use, or alternatively, that he only has enough fundraising money to throw this Word document up on them Internets. Also, judging from the unlabeled icons that comprise Brownback' "issues," the Senator from Kansas is chiefly concerned with lightning, playgrounds, Iraq, babies, money and the justice system, in that order.
AWKWARD ATTEMPT AT HIPNESS
The Brownback Blog-both words start with the letter B, kids!
WEIRDEST MOMENT
"Hey, Iowans, look at how much I care about your state: I got a staffer to Photoshop me into a stock photo of a farm!"
JOHN McCAIN (JohnMcCain.com)
OVERALL IMPRESSION
Like the candidate' hideous complexion, the dark, somber tone of this website makes visitors feel pity for his crumbling campaign. That said, pity is the driving force behind the vast majority of the CRACKED.com editorial team's limited sexual exploits, so we admit that it can be a pretty effective tool.
AWKWARD ATTEMPT AT HIPNESS
The McCainSpace electronical networking platform for youths that do the Interweb.
WEIRDEST MOMENT
The main image from the pre-site landing page essentially says, "Welcome to the online obituary for the late Senator John McCain."
MIKE HUCKABEE (MikeHuckabee.com)
OVERALL IMPRESSION
If presidential candidates were types of foods, Mike Huckabee would be a handful of stale flour.
AWKWARD ATTEMPT AT HIPNESS
Miraculously, Huckabee' site allows users to "send emails to friends," which is no doubt far easier than sending email with your own email address. Thanks, Mike Huckabee, for allowing us to finally communicate with each other over the Internet.
WEIRDEST MOMENT
The site proudly links to a video of Huckabee slapping the bass along with a middle school band. After an eye-wateringly boring speech about why music is great, he breaks into an uncomfortable medley of Motown hits that' most accurately described by this trumpet player' disgusted/confused reaction:
TOMMY THOMPSON (Tommy2008.com)
OVERALL IMPRESSION
Both his site' URL and its "The Tour" section could lead easily confused voters (most, according to the last election) to think that the site is in fact promoting next year' traveling revival of the Who's idiotic rock opera.
AWKWARD ATTEMPT AT HIPNESS
The homepage' invitation to "visit Tommy" on Flickr, which is a site that hosts photos and in no way facilitates "visiting." The Flickr page does, however, host this image of Thompson spying on his staff in the shower.
WEIRDEST MOMENT
Thompson, a man with no formal medical training, claims that he will cure breast cancer. Perhaps more ludicrous: He claims that he can become president.
