Election '08: How Each Candidate Will Blow It
America needs a new president like John Travolta needs a firm kick in the genitals (badly), but we're so desperate that we shotgun-started the race to the White House six months too early. In the year and a half until the 2008 election, there's plenty that will likely go wrong: poor word choices, awkward photo ops, and, God willing, a few nip-slips. Simply put, there's no way these clowns can keep their acts together with so many opportunities to fuck up still ahead of them. Here's what'll likely go down for each of the major candidates before it's all said and done.
JOE BIDEN
Past Faux Pas
Back-handedly complimenting Barack Obama with demeaning words like, " articulate," "clean," and "nice-looking." Basically, acting surprised that a black man was able to speak English and bathe himself.
Future Faux Pas
When meeting Al Sharpton at a fundraiser, Biden will compliment the Reverend's "super-black-looking face" and "probably enormous penis."
BARACK OBAMA
Past Faux Pas
Being too perfect. He's arrestingly handsome, he's a Kennedyesque public speaker, and he has brilliant ideas for the country. And, on top of that, he's really clean and articulate for a black guy.
Future Faux Pas
When Obama loses to Dennis Kucinich in a televised charity game of one-on-one hoops by a score of 11-3, he will officially lose the African-American vote, and when he frustratedly yells, "I said God damn, D-Kizzle!" he will lose the white vote.
HILLARY CLINTON
Past Faux Pas
This is a pretty minor faux pas, really, but she calculatingly stood by her cheating husband in order to ensure her own political success.
Future Faux Pas
Radio interference during a fundraiser speech will definitively reveal what conservatives have long suspected: that Hillary is, in fact, a cold, lifeless robot lacking any human genitalia.
DENNIS KUCINICH
Past Faux Pas
Supporting legislation for outlandish, impossible concepts like space weapons, Dick Cheney's impeachment, and legalizing prostitution. (One of those is made up-bet you can't guess which.)
Future Faux Pas
When the DNC tires of Kucinich sullying the Democrats' image with his insane, pointless legislative record, Howard Dean will reveal the fact that Kucinich became a real boy only after following the advice of a magical singing cricket.
JOHN EDWARDS
Past Faux Pas
Along with fellow democratic slapdick John Kerry, losing the 2004 election to Bush and Cheney, which is roughly the same as losing a footrace to John Goodman's corpse.
Future Faux Pas
In a humiliating, Al Gore-like defeat, Edwards will fail to win the South Carolina primary, despite being born there. Shortly thereafter, he will fail to hit the side of a barn with an underhand softball pitch from a distance of five feet and forget how to tie his shoes.
BILL RICHARDSON
Past Faux Pas
While Richardson was Secretary of Energy, Chinese-American scientist Wen Ho Lee was accused of selling government secrets to China. Richardson's oversight is understandable, though-why would he suspect a Chinese scientist from China of trying to help the Chinese government? Shocker, really.
Future Faux Pas
While watching Ocean's Thirteen with his wife, Richardson will fail to comprehend that the secretive group led by George Clooney is, in fact, a criminal enterprise, pleading with his wife for days afterwards that, "they seemed so honest." And if that's not humiliating enough, GOP insiders will leak the secret that Richardson looks suspiciously like this guy from Dances With Wolves, but with more neck fat.
JOHN McCAIN
Past Faux Pas
Being held as a prisoner of war in a North Vietnamese hellbox for the better part of a decade, a period during which he suffered debilitating wounds, near-constant torture, and, presumably, discomfort from hiding a deceased POW buddy's golden watch up his ass.
Future Faux Pas
Being held against his will at the old folks' home up on Route 9 because of his rapidly quickening senility, worsening skin condition, and increasing dislike of "young whipper-snapper sons of bitches" like Fred Thompson.
RUDY GIULIANI
Past Faux Pas
Claiming, in all earnestness, that former New York City police chief Bernard Kerik would make a great Secretary of Homeland Security. The only problems, of course, were Kerik's ties to organized crime, his affair with OJ Simpson's publisher, his acceptance improper gifts (read: bribes), and the fact that he's a total fucking moron.
Future Faux Pas
Elaborating on his reputation as an excellent judge of character and a realist, Giuliani will claim, in all earnestness, that if a Democrat is elected president, Muslim werewolves will break into your home and peel your nipples right off of your chest like Buddha says in the Koran.
NEWT GINGRICH
Past Faux Pas
A $300,000 sanction by the House Ethics Committee in 1997 for his questionable use of tax-deductible money. Basically, this chubby effeminate stole your tax money.
Future Faux Pas
As primary season approaches, Gingrich will be caught illegally funneling campaign funds into a private account that pays for his collection of ridiculous wigs and supportive man-bras.
MITT ROMNEY
Past Faux Pas
Being born a Mormon, which both the Democrats and the born-again faithful will try to convince America was a conscious choice. (Editor's note: they're right, you know.)
Future Faux Pas
When he receives the GOP nomination for President, he will break with traditional American values when he asks both Rudy Giuliani and John McCain to join him as candidates for Vice President.
FRED THOMPSON
Past Faux Pas
The man's plain lazy. The New Republic, for example, says he has "a long-standing reputation for lacking any passion, zeal, or vision for governing." And, really, the guy just looks like he's always about to conk out (or, alternatively, like he's one-third basset hound).
Future Faux Pas
Loudly inhaling a foam microphone cover as he snores like a Looney Toon on stage at the next debate.
TOMMY THOMPSON
Past Faux Pas
Forgetting for a moment that he looks like a less attractive Walter Matthau, we're going to go with having the name of a 12-year-old boy. The guy's middle name is George-what the shit's wrong with "George Thompson?" There was also some story about how he referred to getting rich as "part of the Jewish tradition," but, honestly, everyone has more of a problem with the funny name thing.
Future Faux Pas
As the pressure of the campaign becomes unbearable, the disoriented candidate will begin referring to inanimate objects in the same childish cadence as his name, and will be overheard asking for the "mic-y microphone," his "glass-y glasses," and his "concess-y concession speech."
