A Look Inside the Mailbox of Dick Cheney

We here at CRACKED think that a great getting-to-know-you technique is taking a look inside someone's mailbox. Recently, we took a peak inside the mailbox of Vice President Dick Cheney. Here for your review are transcripts of the letters that survived the intense fire-fight with the Secret Service.

Dear Mr. Cheney,

For the last time: no, you cannot appear on The Family Feud. Our contestants are typically outgoing, expressive, and from the underclass. In addition to being dry, wealthy and heartless, your survey responses indicate that you are more out of touch with the average American than any applicant in the history of our show.

For "Name something that instantly puts you in a bad mood" you wrote, "Children," and for "Name something that cheers you up when you are in a bad mood" you wrote, "Dead Iraqi civilians." We actually had a signing chimpanzee score higher than you, and he was from Luxemburg.

Furthermore, we frequently have military personnel on the show, and while the show is called The Family Feud, we would rather not have you competing against anyone whose family and friends you may have indirectly killed.

Sincerely,

Tim Rodriguez
Director of Contesting

Mr. Richard Cheney,

Are you unsatisfied with your love life?

Lacking that extra something in the bedroom?

Well fret no longer, because this pill will make your penis bigger in ten days or less, or your money back!!!

Now take it and please stop starting wars.

Alex Johnson,
Vimax Male Enhancement

Vice President Cheney,

This is your final warning: any more use of the United States Military for personal reasons and you will be impeached. The following are only a few of the many examples of your abuse of power in the last four months.

• On Halloween night, you had the Secret Service guard your home from vandals. Your "shoot to kill" instruction resulted in the deaths of six teenage boys "armed" with toilet paper and eggs. Additionally, you captured a mailbox smasher and tortured him until he "surrendered the names of his co-conspirators and their future targets."

• When you were not invited to a neighborhood Labor Day barbeque, you called in the 181st Airborne Division to airlift two hamburgers and a hotdog. Thinking the paratroopers were part of their game, a group of children began shooting the soldiers with water guns. The Mission Report states that the paratroopers returned fire with over 4,000 rounds of armor piercing bullets, killing all 14 children. Collateral damage included 90% of Mrs. Brown's famous potato salad and 100% of a golden retriever.

• Finally, the CIA has admitted to rigging school board elections in your district. Apparently, they've installed a friendly regime that will fire the high school principal who suspended your grandson for throwing water balloons at black students.

Sincerely,

Donald Rumsfeld
Secretary of Defense

P.S. Dick- don't worry about this, it's just a formality. However, my ex-wife is getting remarried this Saturday, so make sure the 3rd Armored Division is free.

Dick,

Good work so far. Prepare for phase two.

Satan.

Listen, Cheney. I'm running out of money for my gold-plated helicopter, and out of patience for your half-assed political psychopathy. Make Bush cut Medicaid or invade another Middle Eastern country. If I have to show up to another debutante ball like a fucking dot com millionaire from a state university, I swear to God I'll make sure that a corporate friendly democrat beats you in 2008.

Ask Bush Sr. what happens when you fuck with me.

Lee Raymond
CEO, Exxon Mobil Corp.