Trailer Trash: Cruel Reviews of Upcoming Movies

TMNT

Synopsis:
Charlie Fineman (Adam Sandler) loses his entire family in 9/11 and is pretty bummed out about it. Luckily he meets Magical Black Man Don Cheadle, who devotes his Magical Black Life to helping Sandler at the cost of his own marriage and happiness. It's all good, though: The white guy turns out okay at the end.

Analysis:
Remember You, Me & Dupree, that shitty comedy nobody saw last year about bottom-feeder Owen Wilson crashing with a well-off couple until they lose it and want him to leave? You don't remember it? No, don't worry, it's cool. Seriously, no one saw it. We won't hold it against you or anything.

Anyway, Reign Over Me looks identical to You, Me & Dupree, except in Reign, the bottom-feeder character's experienced heartbreak and flips out occasionally about terrorism, so it's, you know, "really serious." Take Owen Wilson's character from Dupree, say "9/11" a lot in a solemn Morgan Freeman voice, and toss Sandler an Oscar scene where he gets to lose his shit and break a chair about the unfairness of God or whatever. Are you laughing yet? Great! See you at Reign Over Me!

Synopsis:
The FBI's top Human Resources assistant (Danny Glover) tracks down ace marksman Bob Lee Swagger (Mark Wahlberg) to a remote forest cabin, where Swagger 's spent the past five years trying to forget his made-up-sounding name. He is swiftly recruited to stop the assassination of the president, a duty that--according to Glover--he is more qualified to perform than anyone else on the planet. Swagger's squirrel-huntin' and room temperature Pabst swillin' credentials aside, the trailer does not adequately explore why the FBI's first line of defense against a potential attack on the president is to drive out to the woods and attempt to recruit lumberjacks. Luckily, it's a double cross, and Swagger is framed for the assassination. Will his ability to shoot things with deadly accuracy come in handy on his one-man vendetta to clear his name? Probably not, but you never know! Analysis:
Shooter has all the political intrigue and one-man-against-the-government plot contrivances of a Jason Bourne movie, with one key difference: rather than having the wooden Matt Damon run around rooftops, conduct car chases and kick people in the face in a deadly game of cat and mouse, it gets the wooden Mark Wahlberg instead. As an off-brand Matt Damon, Wahlberg looks plausible if not probable as one of the most deadly marksmen alive. The cool thing about the Bourne movies, though, was that its hero could be counted on to turn anything he'd lay his hands on--a telephone, a steering wheel, dental floss--into an instrument of destruction. Wahlberg's at a bit of a loss here, since he's only got one skill, and it relies pretty heavily on having a high-powered rifle with night vision scope on him at all times. If the airport loses his luggage, he's about as deadly as the guy who sorts your mail.

In Theaters March 30 Blades of Glory

Synopsis:
Two rival male figure skaters (Will Ferrell, channeling Elvis Stojko, and Heder, channeling Dorothy Hamill's hair) get in a brawl at the gold-medal ceremony of an event that, for legal purposes, does not resemble the Winter Olympics in any way, shape, or form (although the faux emblem used in an obvious ploy to avoid the sky-high licensing fees for the Olympic rings is amusing in itself). In return, they're banned for life by a judge who looks just like (and may even be) former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. However, with Coach's Craig T. Nelson as their coach (similar to if The Commish's Michael Chiklis were cast as Commissioner Gordon in Batman, really), they put their differences aside and return to the sport through a loophole allowing two men to compete as a duo.

Analysis:
Who wouldn't like something as goofily fun as this? Probably not serious figure skating fans who know that no such loophole exists. Certainly not anyone uncomfortable with two men holding each other up by, and staring uncomfortably into, each other's crotches. Maybe not people still suffering from Napoleon Dynamite overexposure, though they might find it worth sitting through in the hopes that Heder's jugular vein is accidentally sliced open with an errant skate blade. Chances are, not Martin Short and Harry Shearer, considering the main joke is essentially their old Saturday Night Live sketch about male synchronized swimmers, now stolen and turned into a blockbuster comedy to fill the pockets of a younger SNL alumnus.

As for the rest of us, it looks pretty funny, so what's not to like? (Note: Even if you don't see the movie, you can still endlessly enjoy the quick cut at 0:31 of this trailer, which jumps from Ferrell licking the face of a blonde, blue-clad woman immediately to Ferrell arguing with the blonde, blue-clad Heder, which makes it look uncannily like Ferrell's giving Heder a sensual tongue bath.)

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Synopsis:
Live Free or Die debuted last year at the South by Southwest and Seattle film festivals, where it won such diverse praise as "Fantastic ... terrifically funny!" "Amazing ... you'll shit yourself!" and "Monstrous ... the existence of a just god is negated in one foul stroke!" Now in wider release, its trailer features a small-time New Hampshire crook (Aaron Stanford) who teams up with a semi-retarded buddy (Paul Schneider) to become a legendary Jesse James-like figure, mainly through tipping things over, driving mopeds and ugly old vans, and solitary, self-confidence-boosting posturing with pistols that may or may not involve the line "You lookin' at me?" Oh, and apparently someone gets murdered somehow, although the presence of the mush-mouthed Michael Rapaport suggests that the victim is probably merely the English language. Analysis:
I don't get it. When does Bruce Willis come into this?
He doesn't. Instead, we are pleased to bring you Michael Rapaport!That loudmouthed jackass from The War at Home? Why is he in the new Die Hard sequel?
The new Die Hard sequel is Live Free or Die Hard. That comes out June 29. This is Live Free or Die . What? They used a misleading title to trick me into seeing this piece of crap?
Correct! But we hope that won't keep you from enjoying this and many other fine Michael Rapaport movies coming out this year, such as Michael Almighty, Alien vs. Michael Rapaport II, and The Bourne Idiocy.

In Theaters April 6 Grindhouse

Synopsis:
Two hopefully-not-feature-length retro action movies get shown back-to-back in theaters this spring, thanks to overgrown children Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez. In the first one, "Death Proof," a mentally unbalanced Kurt Russell drives around in a stunt car and kills chicks (can't imagine why that wasn't seen as worthy of a full-length movie). In another, "Planet Terror," a woman with a gun for a leg (Rose McGowan) shoots zombies with her gun-leg (again, how did this not get its own film to breathe?).

Analysis:
At this point in their careers, Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino could film a movie where Richard Roundtree has a big afro, says "Fuck," and holds a turd for two hours, and college kids across America would have to wipe steam off their horn-rimmed glasses from the powerful orgasms wracking them in the theater. Seriously, though, a chick with a machine gun for a leg? That's. Fucking. Stupid.

A machine gun for an arm: Okay, that's actually pretty cool. But a gun for a leg is like one step above just giving her the damn thing for a head, and proves Tarantino and Rodriguez have crossed the line this time for how much ironic detachment you're allowed to have when resuscitating a crappy exploitation genre. Do we really need to hold everything that's thirty years old and kind of funny to watch now up to the sun like some kind of lost masterpiece? We'd argue that we don't, and even if we did, there's certainly no reason to involve Kurt Russell.

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Synopsis:
Picking up unnecessarily where 2005's Are We There Yet? left off, Ice Cube hooks up a U-Haul trailer to his blinged-out Escalade and moves his newly pregnant wife and his stepkids out to the sticks. Their beautiful new house is a fixer-upper, their realtor (John C. McGinley) admits, but the Cube thinks he's up to the task. Turns out he's not, so they call in the local contractor (also McGinley, who's got a good racket going). And from there, aside from assorted scenes of the house falling apart comedically, such as some windows that fall out of their frame accompanied by a slide-whistle sound effect, the trailer turns into some sort of bizarre war between humans and the animal kingdom. A boy shoots a pigeon with a nail gun. A dog drags the boy across a lawn. The boy is pulled into a lake while fishing, prompting Ice Cube to dive in and wrestle an enormous fish. Ice Cube picks up an adorable (though poorly computer generated) chipmunk, only to have it snatched from his hand by a hawk. Ice Cube crawls onto his porch roof to brain a raccoon with a mop, only to fall through. What the hell is going on here? Analysis:
Sure, Ice Cube was great as the drug dealer who avenged his half-brother's drive-by shooting in Boyz in the Hood, but you know who would have been perfect? A young Tom Hanks, back in his period when he just basically yelled all the time. No, exactly, that would be awful. So what's Ice Cube doing in The Money Pit? Granted, both The Money Pit and Are We Done Yet? are remakes of the Cary Grant/Myrna Loy comedy Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream House. But that still doesn't excuse swiping gags directly from the Hanks film, such as the electrical wiring exploding across the wall in a fiery trail. Of course, The Money Pit didn't feature a bitter war of extermination against the local fauna. But the real issue? You used to be cool, Ice Cube. Hell, you used to scare us, way back when you spent all your time looking angry and fucking tha police. Now you've neutered yourself and you keep foisting one terrible family comedy after another on us. Are We Done Yet? God, we hope so.

In Theaters April 13 Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters

Synopsis:
A parody of epic movie trailers, the Aqua Teen Hunger Force takes a full 90 seconds portentously introducing 10 things such as "an ancient wizard" and "a cop on the edge," only to announce that none of these things will appear in this movie. Ugh. They could have gotten to that joke a lot faster. There is a flaming chicken running around, though. That's probably worth mentioning because we see it again at the end, for whatever reason. (It's possibly a refugee from Ice Cube's war on animals in Are We Done Yet? that managed to somehow escape from one terrible movie into another.)

There are a couple of credits such as "From the first assistant director of the second unit of Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth," which at least function as a weak jab at the recent trend of uninspiring real-world credits like"from two of the six writers of Scary Movie." This is interspersed with action scenes and non sequitur dialogue featuring a milkshake, a box of French fries, and a retarded ball of meat. Apart from that, nothing at all happens for nearly four excruciating minutes.

Analysis:
You could go watch this. Or, you could stay home and watch The Wizard of Oz while cranking up Dark Side of the Moon instead. It's not like your criteria for entertainment is that high of a set bar when you're baked out of your mind. Face it: Aqua Teen Hunger Force may be funny for ten-minute sketches late at night, but trying to drag it out over 90 minutes is as wrongheaded and futile as, say, giving the cavemen from the Geico commercials their own weekly TV series.

Even the trailer drags on interminably, so the only way Aqua Teen Hunger Force could be tolerable as a full-length feature is if management pipes marijuana smoke into the air conditioning to hot-box the theater. In fact, the only sound business reason to exhibit this stinker is that once a theater full of incredibly high potheads suddenly feel the munchies kick in, the concession stand is going to do absolutely incredible business. On the other hand, if unruly audiences have put you off the theater-going experience lately, it might be worth the price of admission just to chill out with the mellowest audience you could ask for.

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Analysis:
Okay, perhaps it's a little over the top for a pro wrestler to be ripping off the Japanese film Battle Royale.

What?

Or maybe it's a knock-off of The Running Man.

What?

Or the movie Surviving the Game.

What?

Or the video game Manhunt.

What?

Or the short story "The Most Dangerous Game".

What?

Or all of the above. Anyway, The Condemned is a stone-cold rip-off, and that's the bottom line.

What?

Still, even if we've seen every element in it before done better elsewhere, this should be of at least the same quality as other WWE-produced films such as The Marine, or See No Evil, or, uh, No Holds Barred . So, if you wanna go down to the theater to stand in line and pay ten bucks to see Stone Cold open up a can of whoop-ass, gimme a "Hell, yeah! "

No? Anyone?

Kickin' It Old Skool

Synopsis:
Spider-Man (Tobey Maguire) returns to multiplexes this spring to fight still more CG villains--this time around it's the dastardly Sandman (Thomas Haden Church), Hobgoblin (James Franco), and the unlikely Topher Grace as the decidedly not-Topher Grace-looking Venom.

Think there's enough plot to fill a movie yet? You're probably right, but we've apparently also got Spider-Man getting married!

Wow, that's a movie, right? But wait! Bryce Dallas Howard will also be appearing as Gwen Stacey for a sexsational love triangle between Spidey and Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst)! Hot damn!

Done with the plot yet? Not even! Spider-Man's also going slowly and violently crazy as a result of him wearing a living version of his costume!

Okay, but clearly that's enough, right? Of course it is! But we haven't even told you that in this one, J. Jonah Jameson (J.K. Simmons) shoots lightning out of his fucking dick and bench-presses Spider-Man's aunt (Rosemary Harris)! Holy shit!

Analysis:
Wow, you'd never guess this was the third film in a starting-to-look-a-bit-winded franchise and the producers were desperately packing as much shit as possible into this thing to keep audiences' interest from flagging.

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Synopsis:
A professional gambler (Eric Bana) sits at a poker table, explaining the rules of the game to his new squeeze (Drew Barrymore). Idiotically, she smugly stage whispers that he only needs one more heart for a flush, causing everyone else to fold. Suddenly, an enraged Bana swells into a 10-foot-tall green behemoth and smashes Barrymore's broken body through the table. Oh sorry, wrong movie. Speaking of hulking idiots, though, Horatio Sanz bets a cool $10,000 that Bana can't hit three golf balls, doubling over in horror and revulsion when Bana easily does so. But what's this? Here comes Bana's estranged father (Robert Duvall), who's also a professional gambler. According to his father, Bana has things backwards on the issue of whether to live your life like you play cards. According to everyone else, the way Bana lives his life is in the shadow of his father. Suddenly, Bana turns into a mythical king of Thebes, slays his father, and marries his mother. Oh, sorry, wrong Oedipal drama. Instead, Bana and Duvall both enter the World Series of Poker, beating tough customers such as Colonel Harland Sanders and a bald guy in a Hawaiian shirt until it's at last down to father and son facing off at the final table.Analysis:
WARNING: CONTAINS HORATIO SANZ

In Theaters May 11 The Ex

Synopsis:
An ad man (Zach Braff) discovers his new creative partner (Jason Bateman) is also his wife's former partner in both cheerleading and deep dicking. Braff commits one faux pas after another, first chiding Bateman for failing to catch a thrown ball before realizing that he's paralyzed, and then throwing him down a flight of stairs to prove that he's not. (He also mistakenly mocks an Irishman's accent, then the trailer cuts Bateman off mid-line. Nice editing.)

Analysis:
Jason Bateman was so good in Arrested Development and various roles as a Frat Pack pledge that his presence in a movie is now actually a compelling reason to watch. Zach Braff, though? We've heard a lot of testimony that he's funny, but haven't seen much hard evidence. Frankly, it's hard not to cheer for Bateman. It's like Reality Bites, where we're supposed to want Ethan Hawke to win Winona Ryder, but he's so insufferable that we end up rooting for Ben Stiller. And speaking of Stiller, wasn't this premise with the disabled-but-otherwise-too-perfect romantic rival already done in There's Something about Mary?

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Synopsis:
Three bumbling National Guardsmen get shipped out to Iraq, but the Humvee they've crawled into for a nap gets dumped out of their cargo plane en route due to bad weather. The human jetsam awaken to find themselves in the middle of the Mexican desert, assuming it to be Iraq. There doesn't seem to be a single starting point in the continental US where it would make sense to fly over Mexico to Iraq, so the confusion is somewhat understandable. They don't figure it out until one bad "Don't ask, don't tell" joke later, when they liberate a nearby village from a bunch of stereotypical banditos, one of whom is captured and finally tells the gringos where they are. From then on, it's a fiesta of cervezas, piñatas, and luchadores until the banditos come back with a horse-drawn tank (although it might just be a horse standing in front of a tank), and they're forced to defend the town with bazookas, dilapidated cannons left behind by Santa Anna, and good old-fashioned blue-collar American pluck. Analysis:
What do you get if you multiply Three Kings by The Three Amigos? Nine friendly kings, obviously. But if you divide that by the number of working brain cells collectively owned by this movie's leads, you get an error, and that's exactly what Delta Farce is. Of course, one tired internet meme states "Chuck Norris can divide by zero," and it's surely no coincidence that this terrible-looking comedy bears a similar title to his 1986 action thriller Delta Force. The tantalizing possibility of a Chuck Norris cameo is in itself enough to get a legion of feeble-minded ironists up out of the cheap seats, hooting and hollering. But there's no sign of this happening. Chuck Norris seems content to keep on making his own movies, each of which is unintentionally funnier than this so-called comedy is liable to be on purpose. That's not to say Delta Farce won't evoke some sort of reaction. Larry the Cable Guy's nasal bleating of his "Git-'er-done!" catchphrase in this trailer is enough to prompt an audible groan of angry disgust, followed by a walk around the block to cool down. But if you're looking to actually enjoy a movie about three friends shipping off to war, you'll probably find more laughs in The Deer Hunter.

In Theaters May 18 Shrek The Third

Synopsis:
More smart, silly fairy tale spoofing from the Shrek franchise, with the usual "flying over the kids' heads" adult gags and even more merchandise-ready characters you'll likely be seeing on every toy shelf, video game tie-in, and Burger King cup in the country in a few weeks.

Analysis:
How sad is it that, two sequels into this family-friendly CG cartoon, comedians like Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy are actually less of a draw to this thing than the troll and donkey they're voicing? Sure, Murphy has Norbit, and Myers has ... some closet shelves he was straightening ... but really, do you know anybody that honestly saw and enjoyed Norbit? (If so, why are you still talking to them? Do they owe you money? Do they have pictures? Pictures of you doing things you're not proud of?)

Murphy and Myers' floundering careers aside, though, the Shrek franchise has always been one hell of a great time, the sort of movie you can take your parents to and all have fun watching, and this looks like no exception. If you're a Shrek-hater, there's clearly not enough actual misery in your life, and you're just picking things randomly to vent at. You need more hobbies.

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Synopsis:
Hey, remember that movie with no ending you all paid $13.00 to see last year? Well, here's the ending! That'll be another $13.00 please! Why yes, we do have nothing but bitter, naked contempt for humanity. Funny you should ask! Analysis:
Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End is essentially little more than the final twenty minutes of the last Pirates sequel stretched out to feature film length, so clearly it'll make ten powzillion dollars and everyone at Disney will wrestle, laughing and naked, in the building-sized piles of money being delivered daily to the studio. On the plus side, At Worlds End does at least finally deliver on the long-rumored, never-before-seen cameo by Keith Richards as Captain Jack Sparrow's father. There's also an octopus, if that floats your boat, and Orlando Bloom's as delicious as ever. Keira Knightly's jutting, inhuman-looking chin also makes an appearance. The gang's all here, basically! Like you need our say-so to go watch this thing.

In Theaters June 1 Knocked Up

Synopsis:
"Do you know how I know you're gay? You had one-night stand with a woman and got her pregnant." Wait--that doesn't make sense. Well, neither does Steve Carell's big, shaggy sidekick from The 40-Year-Old Virgin getting to score with the luscious Katherine Heigl, but that's what's going on in Knocked Up. Heigl informs Rogen of their gestating problem over dinner in a fancy restaurant on their second date, only to be met with a flabbergasted and profane response. (Rogen drops three F-bombs and the word "vagina" in this trailer, but it's an international version, so it's okay.)

Analysis:
It's almost unbelievable that someone let Seth Rogen carry a movie. But that someone was Judd Apatow, who, thanks to long experience working with Rogen on The 40-Year-Old Virgin as well as Undeclared and Freaks and Geeks, knows the big goof is one of the driest, most sarcastic, funniest men alive. And now the rest of us all get to find that out. Plus, it's nice to see Katherine Heigl being given something better to do than referee slap-fights on the set of Grey's Anatomy.

Synopsis:
Danny Ocean (George Clooney) returns with his ever-expanding all-star entourage for a third installment in the popular heist franchise. Filling in as the about-to-be-robbed mark this time around is Al "Never Met a Scene He Couldn't Plow Through Like a Truck Through a Fruit Stand" Pacino, who makes you long for the understated coolness of Andy Garcia in a way that probably isn't healthy. Analysis:
One of the factors that made the first Ocean's Eleven remake so much fun was director Steven Soderbergh, who understood that a movie about charismatic, fast-talking criminals planning capers requires a lighthearted, brightly lit, fast-paced tone. The first Ocean's was just damn fun. (It even looked like the actors were having a big ol' party making it.) For reasons not publicized at the time--a shovel-blow to the skull, maybe?--Soderbergh forgot all this for the sequel, Ocean's Twelve, a darkly-lit, murky pile of unwatchableness, complete with arty-fart camera angles and a plot so unnecessarily complex as to require sketching out a flowchart on the back of your theater ticket. Seriously, what the hell was up with that movie? It was about as fun as a rectal exam. Based on the trailer's funny bits (Clooney's eye roll at the end there gets us chuckling), we're optimistic that Ocean's Thirteen will be a successful return to the formula of Eleven, and remember how to be fun again. We've got such high hopes for this one, we're even willing to ignore the presence of scenery obliterator Al Pacino, whom we frankly haven't enjoyed in a film in decades and sort of half-jokingly wish will die of cancer or something so he'll stop dragging his anus all over his own legacy like a kennel dog with ringworm. />

In Theaters June 15 Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

Synopsis:
A man made entirely of silver flies to Earth from outer space on a surfboard so he can interrupt the wedding of an invisible woman and a stretchy man. Luckily, another man who can light himself on fire flies after the surfing silver alien, and they chase each other around Manhattan. If you'd just moved to America from a third-world country and this trailer was the first thing you'd ever seen in a theater, you would be forgiven for assuming you'd just gone insane.

Analysis:
The first Fantastic Four movie was one of those made-on-a-shoestring deals that almost guaranteed a sequel. Like Blade, Hellboy, and other low-budget superhero flicks that just barely scraped out a profit in wide release, FF slam-dunked on DVD, so you're getting another one whether you like it or not. The first movie sort of blew, and the second one looks like more of the same. If your expectations of a theater-going experience begin and end with air conditioning, a comfortable seat, and images being shown to you on a screen, Rise of the Silver Surfer will handily meet your expectations.