Summer Movie Preview (Part 1)
June 6, 2006
The Omen
IN A NUTSHELLEverybody' favorite Prince of All Lies, the Devil, springs forth from the only logical place he could come from: Julia Stiles' vagina. Stiles plays a young mother concerned that the blood-vomiting, priest-killing psychopath she calls a six-year-old might be, you know, evil and stuff.
WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
This shot-for-shot remake of the 70's classic gets released June 6th, a date that can also be expressed as — ho ho, wait for it now — 6/6/06. This is a detail the film' marketing campaign has been careful to drive into the ground with all the quiet grace and tact of a retarded man using a sausage for a tent peg. Any movie whose sole reason for existence is a nifty numbers trick is probably not worth your time. Hold out for 5138008 Upside Down on a Calculator is BOOBIES: The Motion Picture instead. (It's got a surprise ending!)
June 9, 2006
The Break-Up
IN A NUTSHELL Jennifer Aniston, a woman famous for her demands that the media stop portraying her as an unlucky-in-love ditz struggling with a break-up, here portrays an unlucky-in-love ditz struggling with a break up. Vince Vaughn rounds out the cast as Joe IGotTwentyMillionToStarInThisShitbomb.
WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
A couple argues over a condo after they break up, eventually reverting to sectioning off the house with masking tape. Nasty! This storyline promises to be all fresh and up-in-yo-face to anyone who' never seen a sitcom before. Plus, Vince Vaughn doing this movie feels a lot like Michael Jordan leaving the NBA to play baseball for two seasons in the middle of his prime. Actually, scratch that. Vince Vaughn doing this movie feels a lot like Michael Jordan leaving the NBA to fellate a dog.
Cars
IN A NUTSHELLFrom the people who brought you talking bugs, talking toys and talking fish comes a film about a talking Wilson brother. It' a Pixar movie, of course, so feel free to bet money that we'll all be learning a Valuable Lesson About Friendship. Again.
WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Because the only thing more annoying than the way America goes batshit over everything Pixar poops onto a plate and calls breakfast is Owen Wilson' hippy slacker voice. Also, giving their movie a title as shit-stupid as Cars sort of implies they've stopped caring. That' like one rung on the imagination ladder above just calling it Movie.
June 16
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift
IN A NUTSHELLLucas Black takes over for Paul Walker, who took over for Vin Diesel, in this, the third of the Furiously Fast series. If nothing else, consider it proof that it's apparently harder than it looks to make a sequel so bad it goes straight to video.
WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Because it's basically car porno for guys with posters of the Indianapolis Speedway over their beds; also because really, do we as a culture actually need more than two versions of a film about cars going vroom vroom fast? Plus, when meatheads like Vin Diesel and Paul Walker are turning down a role in your film, that's a warning bell. It'd be like Bernie Taupin writing a song and Elton John rejecting it as too gay.
The Lake House
IN A NUTSHELLSomething with Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock in it. And you can stop caring about this fillllllllm... now.
WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Certainly you should be able to provide a wealth of reasons on your own. But if you're really hard-pressed, it's because Hollywood decided to remake the movie Speed as a love story. That's like remaking Die Hard as a musical, and... and... wait a minute, a Die Hard musical would be fucking awesome. Stay back, we thought of it first!
Nacho Libre
IN A NUTSHELL Jack Black deviously pretends to be a Mexican wrestler in order to fight other Mexican wrestlers. Imagine making a comedy based exclusively on the premise that Mexican people are weird, and then kick back and relax, comforted in the knowledge that someone already saved you the trouble.
WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Remember how Napoleon Dynamite started out as a funny little low-budget comedy, then snowballed into a cult classic, then became a full-bore social irritant you couldn't get away from, with every mouth-breathing office comedian on the planet quoting it every five minutes? Nacho
June 23
Click
IN A NUTSHELLStarring Adam Sandler, Click tells us what happens when a man finds a remote that can pause and rewind real life, as well as what happens when a stoned screenwriter has his mind blown by his Tivo remote' ability to pause and rewind live TV.
WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Because its senseless "high concept" plot means people are already calling it a revamped Groundhog Day. Apparently Groundhog Day wasn't perfectly acceptable on its own and, like everything in life, needed "more Adam Sandler" in it to make it perfect.
Garfield' a Tale of Two Kitties
IN A NUTSHELLThis film was created on a dare between two methed-up animators to see who could make a CG Garfield do the craziest shit. Then dialogue was thrown together, and the film's title was chosen by a local group of Library Science students. Picture Jim Davis spinning on his cross.
WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Because you're a sane person without kids.
Waist Deep
IN A NUTSHELLTyrese Gibson plays Tyrese, a clever ex-con who must use his wits in order to get his son back from car-jackers, but who is constantly thwarted by the fact that white people confuse him with Tyson Beckford.
WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
If you're black, you should hate it because every movie that stars a black guy somehow integrally involves car-jacking. If you're white, you should hate it because your black friends are going to like it, then tell you the reason you don't is that you don't get it.
June 30
Superman Returns
IN A NUTSHELLKevin Spacey stars in the David and Goliath story of an ugly bald man who pulls himself up by his bootstraps to become a millionaire, only to be picked on tragically by a man with super strength, x-ray vision and the ability to fly.
WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Honestly, we're pretty certain we could pick someone randomly on the street and they'd kick Kevin Spacey' ass in less than 15 minutes. You're telling us it takes Superman an hour and a half? Watching your pet snake toy with an injured mouse for a couple of hours would be more suspenseful.
The Devil Wears Prada
IN A NUTSHELLThe shocking story that reveals that people who work at magazines like Cosmopolitan are (gasp!) shallow and vindictive. For the sequel: it turns out the Earth isn't flat and eating nothing but Burger King Whoppers for a year makes your heart mysteriously stop.
WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Just because chick lit flies off of book shelves doesn't mean you should make a movie out of it. Coloring books sell pretty well too.
July 5
Little Man
IN A NUTSHELLA Wayans brother stars as a midget jewel thief who gets a family to adopt him so he can steal their jewels or something. To be honest, I think I got stupider just writing that.
WHY YOU SHOULD HATE IT
Because the term "Created by and starring the Wayans Brothers" is, much like the skull and crossbones symbol on cans of poison, a universally-understood shorthand for "Do Not Touch". Of course, when I was a kid I thought it meant "Drinking This Will Turn You Into a Pirate," but one stomach-pumping later and I learned my lesson. Come to think of it, I could say that for Scary Movie too.
