Ah, Oscar time! That magical night when Hollywood gets together in a big room and fellates itself excitedly over a handful of movies nobody bothered to watch in theaters.
Did a film make almost no money? Are the actors in period costume, crying lavishly in the trailers or dealing with "important" issues like abortion, retardation or botulism poisoning? Was the first time you even heard about the existence of the film when the Academy announced its nominations this year? If so, it's walking home with Oscar gold!
This Sunday, before you gather around the TV for three and a half hours of stultifying boredom, embarrassing dance numbers and actors steepling their fingers in concentration while the nominees are being named off, take a minute to read our predictions. It's like watching the actual Oscars, but without having to endure things like Billy Crystal or Ellen Degeneres. You're welcome.
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Ryan Gosling,
Half Nelson
Ryan Gosling plays a high school wrestling coach who teaches his
students the most valuable lesson of all: believing in yourself.
He accomplishes this by making them touch each other while taking
hundreds of tastefully lit pictures.
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Leonardo DiCaprio, Blood Diamond
DiCaprio battles an evil cartel over a diamond filled with the blood
of Merlin the Wizard, which has the power to grant its holder the
gift of eternal optimism and flawless washboard abs. |
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Peter O'Toole, Venus
Peter O'Toole plays an actor coming to the end of his life, reflecting on the choices he's made in his career and relationships. Must have been a real hard part to nail.
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Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness
Will Smith plays a man who discovers he has the courage to risk the health and financial security of his entire family to chase ridiculous dreams, and the bravery to ignore his wife while doing so. |
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Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland
Whitaker embodies the role of the violent Idi Amin in this feel-good switcheroo comedy about a down-on-his-luck Scottish King who trades places with the Ugandan President...with hilarious results! |
AND THE OSCAR GOES TO...
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Peter O'Toole will most likely be dead soon, and the Academy knows this. The last time they tried to honor the almost-dead actor was in 2003, with the presentation of a lame duck "Lifetime Achievement" Oscar, which backfired considerably. O'Toole accepted the award by telling the Academy, in a nutshell, to go fuck themselves for not bothering to award him for a specific performance once in his entire career. Since then, the Academy's been waiting for O'Toole to act in pretty much anything at all, just so they could fall over themselves in a rush to give him a trophy for it.
What we're trying to say here is that Peter O'Toole could have spent the intirety of Venus's running time in a giant latex vagina costume, saying things like "Toot toot! Dicks go in here!" There's no way he's not walking home with a win Sunday.
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Penelope Cruz, Volver
Penelope Cruz stars in a movie I'm fairly certain nobody will ever watch ever, so I feel comfortable in postulating the film is about Cruz's breasts and how wet, full and bouncy they are. Also, I just realized how awesome that is, and that I need to write a script and get ahold of Penelope Cruz's people. |
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Judi Dench, Notes on a Scandal
Dench brings Angela Lansbury's Jessica Fletcher to life in Notes, on a Scandal, the long-awaited big screen adaptation of the classic TV series Murder, She Wrote. In Scandal, scenic Flowerville seems like the perfect town for a book signing by Jessica (Dench), until a murder goes and ruins everything. |
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Helen Mirren, The Queen
Mirren plays Queen Elizabeth in a film dealing with the media's exploitation of Princess Diana's death, which is itself a piece of media exploiting Princess Diana's death. Mirren reportedly filmed over 4000 intensely erotic nude scenes for the picture before being told she was on the wrong set. |
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Meryl Streep, The Devil Wears Prada
Streep makes a play for her 27th career Oscar, in the hope of smelting them into a throne that she can sit on while feeling superior to every other actress, in this film about the Devil and his love of trendy handbags. |
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Kate Winslet, Little Children
Winslet's character discovers that every child on the planet has disappeared overnight. Where did they all go? It makes no sense! The race is on to find all the children in time for Christmas in this sexy triple-X time travel drama. (I need to get ahold of Winslet's people too.) |
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AND THE OSCAR GOES TO...
A tie! Kate Winslet and Penelope Cruz's wet, round, bouncy breasts win for their towering performances in Sexy Breast-Time Sex, a triple-X time travel drama.
Seriously, why can't I find any of these people in the phone book? This script is actually burning my hands a little, it's so goddamn hot.
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Alan Arkin, Little Miss Sunshine
Alan Arkin gets the role of his life as Little Miss Sunshine, a
small girl who invents a gun that shoots sunshine and makes people
happy. The 60 year-old bald actor bravely decided to play the role
without the aid of CG effects or prosthetics, forcing the viewer
to imagine him as a silly young girl with big dreams. |
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Jackie Earle Haley, Little Children
Haley plays a hard-nosed New York City detective who gets more than he bargained for when he accidentally adopts an orphanage full of children. How will he solve murders when he's... changing diapers? The answer might amuse you greatly. |
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Djimon Hounsou, Blood Diamond
Hounsou portrays Blood E. Diamond, a professional speed boat racer who learns his rival has injected him with a poison that will kill him if he stops shouting at the top of his lungs for even one second. |
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Eddie Murphy, Dreamgirls
Murphy plays a man who discovers magic boots that will grant him any wish at all, provided that wish involves the ownership of magic boots. |
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Mark Wahlberg, The Departed
Mark Wahlberg portrays a character coming to terms with the mystery
of having only appeared in The Departed for all of two
minutes in a middling performance and getting inexplicably nominated
for an Oscar anyway. |
AND THE OSCAR GOES TO...
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Mark Wahlberg's car in The Departed, a 1992 Buick Roadmaster. Since we never actually see Wahlberg drive anywhere in the film, the Roadmaster technically has even less screen time than he did, edging out a slim win over the ex-rap star.
Just because the Roadmaster never appears in The Departed, however, don't for a second underestimate how thoroughly its performance winds through the picture. In any scene with Wahlberg in it, for instance, the viewer must ask themselves: how did he get there? How will he leave after the scene is over? Obviously, in the Roadmaster. Much like New York City is talked of as a "character" in film reviews by snooty Salon.com writers, so too can we make the claim that without the 1992 Buick Roadmaster, Wahlberg and whoever he was driving wouldn't have appeared in any scenes at all.
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Adriana Barraza, Babel
Bazzara previously starred in groundbreaking Mexican soap
operas like Las Alas del Pez (“Where is my candy?”)
and El Rancho del Titty Grande (“My heart weeps on
the mountain”) before landing this supporting role in Babel
("To watch paint dry"). |
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Cate Blanchett, Notes On A Scandal
No stranger to Oscar awards, world-class thespian Blanchett
goes head-to-head with Dame Judi Dench in a knock-down, no-holds-barred
cage match act-down. Viewers with easily upset stomachs might want
to skip past the Monologue Showdown, the aftermath of which forced
production to stop while Blanchett and Dench were rushed to the
emergency room with blood loss and fractures. |
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Abigail Breslin, Little Miss Sunshine
This bitch is 10 years old and has already accomplished more in
her life than you ever will. She managed to survive Kate Hudson’s
bong-smelling funk while filming Raising Helen, and possibly
avoided getting molested by Alan Arkin, which is probably good for
a couple votes, but we really don’t need another Dakota Fanning.
We're not even sure if we need one.
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Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls
Hudson, the talented singer who was kicked off of American
Idol for being a little too chubby to ever become a famous singer,
makes Simon Cowell eat his words by believably portraying a character
who is too chubby to become a famous singer.
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Rinko Kikuchi, Babel
For a movie that was apparently awesome enough to be nominated
for Best Picture, the only actors to get a nod of any kid are, suspiciously
enough, both in this category. Best Supporting Actress awards are
the Oscar equivelant of the cheap trophies you give the retarded
kids on Track and Field day; everybody leaves with smiles on their
faces, but nobody's calling them up the next day for a shot at the
Olympics. |
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AND
THE OSCAR GOES TO...
Oscar voters get completely moist anytime you mention Cate Blanchett.
“So, I saw Cate Blanchett at the grocery store.” “Oh
god, was it powerful and moving?” “I don’t know, she
was just picking up some trash bags.” “I bet it was MAGICAL.”
Add the fact that the movie features Cate beating the living hell out
of fellow Oscar spank material Dame Judi, and you've got yourself a sure
thing. Look closely after her win and you’ll see Blanchett’s
Oscar statue sporting a little gold hard-on for how dramatically she's
holding it.
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Babel
A lengthy and ponderous film about humanity's dependency
on one another to function, Babel wisely decides to convey this
by forcing to not care about anybody presented to us in the film.
What better way to wean us off this dependency? Director Alejandro
González Iñárritu also manages the enviable
task of making Brad Pitt look like he can actually say things without
mouthing the words to himself first.
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The Departed
Initially, the problem of how to have Matt Damon in a film
with Jack Nicholson without the disparity in acting talent being
glaringly obvious seems insurmountable. Luckily, dependable Oscar
repellent Martin Scorsese jumps this hurdle by having Jack Nicholson
chew every piece of scenery available, making Damon's performance
look astonishingly nuanced and not-retarded. |
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Letters From Iwo Jima
Carrying on the proud tradition of nominating films nobody cared
about when they were released, Letters From Iwo Jima manages
to score a nod despite ranking somewhere between Dennis Kucinich’s
presidential candidacy and Tom Selleck’s third cousin’s
laundry hamper on the public awareness scale. |
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Little Miss Sunshine
This heartwarming tale tells the story of a family that
breaks dozens of federal and state laws by stealing the corpse of
an old pervy guy who taught a little girl to strip while he was
high. If Sunshine doesn’t warm your heart, that's
probably a good sign that your priorities are in order and that
you're a functioning, loving member of society.
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The Queen
In the wake of Lady Diana Spencer’s untimely death,
Queen Elizabeth is forced to wrestle with her emotions in restrained
British fashion. The Queen is perfect for people looking
for the inside story on what irrelevant old people think about women
who die in car wrecks. It's like hanging out at a senior citizen's
home and asking about dead relatives, but with popcorn! |
AND THE OSCAR GOES TO...
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In
a surprise upset victory, the not-even-nominated, thoroughly awful Date
Movie secures the win through a write-in campaign, prompting director
Aaron Seltzer to launch into a teary-eyed acceptance speech thanking Jesus
Christ for guiding his hand in its making. Justin Timberlake appears soon
after to announce a new Oscar-hosted reality TV series that will force
nominees to live in the same house for a month and allow viewers to pick
next year's Oscar winners simply by paying money for the privelege.
Sub-competent viewers across America throw their jerky into the air with
joy, ripping off their bibs and hugging one another with the knowledge
that the Academy is willing to pander to them for better ratings. Everybody
else, horrified and confused at this idiotic turn of events, finally find
something better to do with their Sunday nights. Ellen Degeneres says
something harmless and not very funny, smiles like she invented hugs,
big orchestral swell, and credits.
Peter O'Toole will most likely be dead soon, and the Academy knows this. The last time they tried to honor the almost-dead actor was in 2003, with the presentation of a lame duck "Lifetime Achievement" Oscar, which backfired considerably. O'Toole accepted the award by telling the Academy, in a nutshell, to go fuck themselves for not bothering to award him for a specific performance once in his entire career. Since then, the Academy's been waiting for O'Toole to act in pretty much anything at all, just so they could fall over themselves in a rush to give him a trophy for it.
Mark Wahlberg's car in The Departed, a 1992 Buick Roadmaster. Since we never actually see Wahlberg drive anywhere in the film, the Roadmaster technically has even less screen time than he did, edging out a slim win over the ex-rap star. 
AND
THE OSCAR GOES TO...
In
a surprise upset victory, the not-even-nominated, thoroughly awful Date
Movie secures the win through a write-in campaign, prompting director
Aaron Seltzer to launch into a teary-eyed acceptance speech thanking Jesus
Christ for guiding his hand in its making. Justin Timberlake appears soon
after to announce a new Oscar-hosted reality TV series that will force
nominees to live in the same house for a month and allow viewers to pick
next year's Oscar winners simply by paying money for the privelege. 