Halloween Tips

Halloween is a time for people to dress up and pretend to be something they aren't, as opposed to every other day of the year. Here are some tips to make sure that this Halloween is the best Halloween ever!

1) Be careful when putting razor blades in candy apples: they're sharp.

2) The day after Halloween is All Saint's Day, which means that Catholics are not allowed to eat meat. Or rape their sisters. There are a lot of days like that, actually.

3) Vandalism is as cliche as it is irresponsible. Remember that one time, though, when we were throwing baseballs at that old blind guy's house and then we tried to kill his dog? That was awesome. Wait, no. That was that movie The Sandlot.

4) Most prophylactics are inappropriate for young trick-or-treaters, as they lack the fine motor skills to apply a condom and the discipline to take the pill each day. Fountain-pen hysterectomies, on the other hand, are surprisingly easy to perform on preteens.

5) You know what would be really funny? If instead of taping a cardboard skeleton to your door, you used a life-size photo of Calista Flockhart. People would think you did it because she's so skinny, but the real reason is that you're sad about Ally McBeal being cancelled.

6) This doesn't really have anything to do with Halloween, but Jenny, if you're reading this. Please return my calls. I'm begging you. I'm so sorry. I had never been to Reykjavik before, I just ... I don't know. I just thought there would be more ice.

7) Dressing up as a recently deceased member of your neighborhood and stabbing one of his family members is a pretty strange thing to do. But, then again, Halloween is a pretty strange day.