CRACKED's Metastasized Humor

Well, it happened. We're out of clever ways of inserting comedy-related words into weather patterns. It was fun while it lasted, but weather is a thing of the past. Medical conditions, now that' where the comedy' at, baby! And, just like the condition for which this article is named, we've got an abnormal growth of our own"¦an abnormal growth of laughter!

That' right ladies and gentlemen, we've got an inflamed swelling of hilarious articles that can only be cured if you read every single one of them, (or, alternatively, through stereotactic radiosurgery). So scrub in, and enjoy everything from Monkeys to Rod Stewart to the depressing post-career of Eddie Winslow.

POP QUIZ HOT SHOT!

What is the Monkeysphere? A thorough investigation into why our world is often an evil and miserable place. And if that doesn't do it for you, we've also got a picture of a monkey dressed as a pirate.

Notable Comment: BobMcdynamite over on Digg shows his enthusiasm, saying "As a sociologist/monkey aficionado, I wholeheartedly support this article." We finally, finally won over the target audience we've been after for years. Cracked hereby officially retires.

PEOPLE YOU SORT OF REMEMBER FROM STUFF!

Where Aren't They Now: The 7 Strangest Post-Sitcom Careers Which forgotten TV star wastes all their time with trains, and which one spent a buttload of money on meth? Which one does cartoon voice overs, and which one is Eddie Winslow? Read this article, and you can find out those answers as well as many others, like "Which former TV starlet probably wants to regularly bang members of the CRACKED editorial staff?" (Danica McKellar)

Notable Comment: On Digg, SilentJay74 says "Danica McKellar is the hottest Math genius on the planet. Can anyone prove me wrong?" If you're reading, John Nash, (and, we know that you are), we're sorry"¦You"¦you were never supposed to see that.

THE FUTURE!

The Next 25 Years of Video Games 20 years from now when the robot overlords won't let you leave your house and every available orifice is hooked up to the Playstation 14, don't say we didn't try to warn you.

Notable Comment: Digg commenter Static30 had this to say: "I can finally look forward to retiring and play video games all day without worrying about going to work in the morning. Years of dedicated gaming has finally paid off. You can thank my generation for this, that right the first gaming addicts from the Atari generation. Without us gaming never would have taken off." Yea"¦When our Gameboy murders our family and enslaves us, we'll be sure to send you a Thank You card.

POW! ZAM! BOOM! VILLAINS!

The 8 Least Threatening Comic Book Villains Here' a riddle for you: Which is more dangerous, an enormous fat guy or some dude with a giant nose and a bunch of umbrellas? Did you guess "neither"? Congratulations, you solved the riddle! You're Batman!

Notable Comment: Professional Cracked-Aritlce-commenter UglyShirts discussed a DC/Marvel crossover series that focused on useless villains: "how awesome would it be to see, say, The Slug and Kingpin go at it? Well, do people love to see drunken bar-goers put on those big inflatable novelty Sumo-wrestler suits and bump comically into each other until one of them falls down hilariously? Hells YES, they do. It would be equal parts pathetic and hilarious, and would sell out within nanoseconds." How the hell did he get a hold of our screen play?

ROCK!

The 7 Most Gruesome Rock n' Roll Legends (And Whether They're True) Also, the legend of Marilyn Manson' dick is addressed no less than twice.

Notable Comment: The Digg comment section shows an overwhelming support for GG Allin and wonders why his name wasn't mentioned on this list. He did run out of a concert, naked except for all the blood and feces, and he did die of a heroin overdose, but that' the problem: he really did do all of those things. It' not technically a "legend" if it was covered by the news. Still totally gruesome, still calls Marilyn Manson' dick into question, but not a legend.

DAMN KIDS DON'T KNOW HOW GOOD THEY GOT IT!

6 Reasons the 70' Should Have Killed Us All It wasn't all bong hits and disco back in the 70'; there was also glass-eating, awful presidents, and bong hits. Find out which one of those things should have killed us, (hint: all of them), by checking out this article.

Notable Comment: : Over on Digg, acrodev points out that "the 70's did kill us, we're just realizing it now." We suppose that accounts for our ability to travel through walls and communicate exclusively with Haley Joel Osment.

VIDEO!

The Future David Wain, with the help of our favorite Daily Show alum with a failed sitcom Rob Cordrry, take us all the way into the future in the uplifting season finale of Wainy Days.