5 Alternatives to Christianity to Consider

Science will never kill religion. Check any history book and you'll see that most religions were founded far after man had the technology to know that an invisible man living in space was fundamentally ridiculous. Some theorize that religion was invented to help humans cope with their inevitable death. Others claim that religion came about

because it's real-- God said so. And rain? Why, that's just the angels crying. So even if you did invent a machine that disproved God, how would it explain the image of Jesus in my grilled cheese sandwich? Or how a sick orphan's dreams can make her soul as free as a butterfly? Checkmate, science. We're stuck with religion, so we may as well have fun with it.

Jokes about religion have become such a part of everyday life that priests and rabbis can no longer share the same rowboat. If you've ever done a single impression, you've done a TV evangelist. What you may not know, though, is that every time someone does that, God sets off a volcano and Jesus takes one of your socks. The point is, we need to start finding some fresh targets for our religious jokes. Not only to keep things interesting, but to cover all your bets so in case one of these religions is right, you'll have blasphemed the one true God. For each theology, we'll list some silly facts to get you started and even give you a sample joke featuring members of that religion in a rowboat. These should only be considered placeholders until the mysterious cabal of Priest & A Rabbi joke writers return to us. Now let's get out there and find some new religions to laugh about!

Islam jokes have always been a little touchy. Not only because Muslims seem to have no sense of humor, but because if your joke has the word "Muslim" in it, a good section of your audience will dive for cover. Plus, you run the risk of your joke being interrupted by NSA agents who picked up on your suspicious chatter. But don't give up on Islam as a source of comedy because of a few tragedies-after all, Christians burn down abortion clinics and blame hurricanes on gay people, and we still find it in our hearts to bust their balls.

There are actually laws against Islam jokes in certain places. Many airports have signs telling us to avoid humorous remarks, even when a Muslim joke would kill. For instance, never tell a ticket agent, "As a matter of fact, I DID accept items from persons unknown to me! A nice man in a chadar gave me this awesome luggage freshener with a clock attached." Federal regulations require them to have no idea you're joking as they riddle your body with bullets.

SILLY FACT

When good Muslims die, they're sent to a Heaven to be pleasured by 72 virgins. Well, at least at first. After the 72 hour mark they'd just be regular dead chicks. It is paradise, though, so maybe they have some kind of virgin trade-in policy. Either way, it must be tough getting virgins to join up during Muslim recruitment drives. Imagine it from their point of view: you're all excited to make it into Heaven, you're gazing upon Allah's realm in wonderment... then Heaven's orientation director hands you a name tag that says "Hello! My name is Virgin #53. Ask me about my genitals!" If I was a Muslim woman who'd just died, and on the way to Heaven I look around and count 71 other girls? I'm jumping off the bus.

SPECIAL ACHIEVEMENTS

In America, the black Muslim community has done the impossible: made the bowtie look scary. Louis Farrakhan could have given his speeches in front of Predator aliens and little girl ghosts whispering your name and it would have been less frightening than those Nation of Islam guys. However, as scary as it is to have a wall of black men in bowties glaring at you, it may one day lead to the promised land of hilarity. There's a chance, a tiny chance, that one day a Nation of Islam enforcer will be in line and suddenly, without affecting the snarl on his face in any way, his bowtie will start spinning and whistling. And that will be the funniest thing you've ever seen.

SAMPLE ROWBOAT JOKE

Q: How many Muslims does it take to row a boat across a lake?

A: Wait, I get my toenail clippers taken away from me, and those guys somehow got a whole rowboat past security?

One thing of note about the Mormon people is their women are disproportionally hot. Mormon women all look like they came from a photo shoot as opposed to Mormon men who look like they came from a Dungeons and Dragons guild meeting. Check amongst your Mormon aquaintances. Most other religions treat women as an afterthought--they're either a chunk of rib made into a helpmate or completely covered in robes.

Mormon God has his priorities straight. Unfortunately, He's just as cruel as everyone else's gods because for every hot, hot Mormon girl, there's a strict rule against premarital sex. Which is probably why they get married at 16 and breed in incredible numbers.

SILLY FACT

Mormons believe women should be eternally pregnant. If an enemy air force ever attacked a Mormon compound, their women could point their pelvises towards the sky and shoot the planes down with unlimited baby ammunition. Along the same lines, Mormons wear secret God-powered underwear that makes them impervious to harm. After the nuclear holocaust, the only thing left standing will be radioactive mutants and half-dressed Mormons.

SPECIAL ACHIEVEMENTS

There are three things that help a religion spread: recruiting, fund-raising, and breeding. Mormons are very, very good at all of these things. So get your Mormon jokes ready now because before we die, we'll be living in a world where unkillable underwear stores outnumber Starbuck's.

SAMPLE ROWBOAT JOKE

Q: How do you keep a Mormon out of your rowboat?

A: Tie his necktie to his bike chain.

Although technically it's the opposite of religion, there are a lot of atheist fanatics that treat it like one. They lobby to get God's name off our money, freak out over prayer in school, and expect their brain to receive a prize every time it manages to punch a hole in the air tight logic of religious texts. Surprisingly, the rest of the world is rarely impressed when one of them deduces there are no flying archer babies living in the clouds.

Why do they try so hard to spread their message of nothing? The best thing about being an atheist should be all the reading, arguing, and thinking you don't have to do.

SILLY FACT

Did you know there isn't really a law to seperate church and state? Whenever you hear that phrase, it's referring to a letter that Thomas Jefferson wrote in 1802 to a Baptist group, not something that's in the Constitution. George W. could change our pledge of allegience to "Goddy God (To the Rhythm of the Night)," and the only thing we could complain about is how awesome that would be.

SPECIAL ACHIEVEMENTS

Recently, atheist outrage managed to keep the intelligent design theory out of classrooms. Which at first seemed like a great victory for common sense, but was all that protest time worth it? Let's do an experiment to see how long it takes for a child to learn intelligent design in its entirety. Go! "Intelligent design: maybe someone magically made everything." Done! The positive side effect of the theory is that no child will be left behind when every answer on every test is the word "Jesus."

SAMPLE ROWBOAT JOKE

Q: A black guy, a Puerto Rican, and a Catholic priest are in a boat. Who is rowing?

A: Whoa, keep your religion out of my aquatic sports, pal! But hold on, is the answer "a cop?"

Scientology takes the basic concept of spirituality and modernizes it with the fruitiness of self-help and the insanity of martians. Even Scientologists themselves seem to know how ludicrous they are, so their recruiters disguise themselves as "Free Stress Testers" and most of their doctrine isn't available until you pay for it. This is a brilliant idea that all nutbar cults should adopt. Think about it: when Scientologists pay $10,000 to find out their faith is based on outer space

monsters living in their bodies and forcing them to behave irrationally, it'd be a total waste of money at that point to admit how stupid that is. Only an idiot would buy themselves a religion-but only a MASSIVE idiot would buy themselves a religion, then not believe in it.

SILLY FACT

Scientologists believe that 75,000,000 years ago, Earth was called Teegeeack and enjoyed life as one of 76 planets controlled by the galactic overlord Xenu. As intriguing and not-made-up as this sounded, our budget didn't allow us to buy the second sentence of the saga of

Scientology. Luckily the entire Scientology belief system is built on the rantings of a nerd, so we can probably guess the rest: Chewbacca defeated Xenu with the ruby of Cyttorak, but his thetan will reform in the tentacled spawn of Tom Cruise to kill the Smurfs if it's the last thing it does. Captain Kirk has to fight it, and Voltron is all PCHU-PCHU!

SPECIAL ACHIEVEMENTS

By the time you're reading this, scientologist enforcers have already killed the author.

SAMPLE ROWBOAT JOKE

Q: How many scientologists does it take to pilot a rowboat?

A: Eight. Four to merge their brains into a hivemind, one to command it to remove the overt acts from the boat's time track, and three to capture and milk an alien.

Wicca is the worship of an Earth Goddess, and is often associated with potions, spells, and bad poetry. Yet the modern witch is more environmentalist than wizard, and only occasionally replaces a baby with a changeling. Their supernatural powers are still feared by many of the other religions, despite the fact that common sense suggests this to be retarded. It's still popular among young women not only because of its female-gendered deity, but because it wasn't that long ago that we burned these people alive, and that's exactly the type of oppression angsty teens need to turn an ordinary diary into an epic tale of misery.

SILLY FACT

Witches cast fantastical spells! And while most religions also believe in wondrous acts of the impossible, prayers for miracles have been striking out for thousands of years, and much of that time was spent inventing excuses. For example, when a Christian prays for God to let them buy cigarettes with food stamps, there are many explanations at the ready for when it doesn't work... He works in mysterious ways; Satan controls tobacco legislation; or maybe God was busy co-piloting an SUV through Arizona. With Wiccan, these fail-safes aren't as built in.

So when eight girls in corsets and capes spend a month trying to conjure Yuggoth and all they have to show for it is a synchronized menstrual cycle, the implications that they're just being silly are more severe.

SPECIAL ACHIEVEMENTS

Modern Wiccans spend the majority of their time angrily debunking the public's notion that witches fly around on broomsticks, talking to the devil. Which is something they realistically should have thought of before they joined a religion famous for flying around on broomsticks, talking to the devil. The best way for these grumpy pagans to convince us they're not evil is to stop raising the dead with the blood of our pets.

SAMPLE ROWBOAT JOKE

Q: How is a witch different from a rowboat?

A: Rowboats don't squirt cockroaches when you stab them with an enchanted dagger.