Scumbag-Off!: Politicians vs. Celebrities

MATCHUP #1: MASTER EMBEZZLER

Politician: REP. WILLIAM JEFFERSON

Celebrity: HEATHER MILLS

Jefferson and Mills each have pretty decent breasts, but only one has been able to use them extort boatloads of cash from an aging Beatle. Unless, of course, you consider the Federal Government to be an aging Beatle. In June 2002, the 39-year-old former model married 64-year-old Paul McCartney-a man who' three stops outside of Coffinville on the Adult Diaper Express-but separated from him less than four years later, setting herself up to receive a settlement close to a gazillion dollars.

But although Mills clearly married for money (which she'll likely collect soon), at least McCartney got a faceful of model mam in return for his cash. The citizens of these United States, on the other hand, got nothing in return from Jefferson, who is alleged to have received over $400,000 in bribes, and was reportedly videotaped by the FBI receiving a briefcase holding $100,000 in 2005. ($90,000 of it was recovered in his freezer when the FBI raided his home.)

Still, at least he didn't use sorely needed National Guard troops and helicopters for his personal protection in during Hurricane Katrina' aftermath. Wait, he did? Oh man, that' low-even lower than bank-account-raping one of the Beatles.

Winner: JEFFERSON

MATCHUP #2: BORDERLINE SOCIOPATH

Politician: VICE PRES. DICK CHENEY

Celebrity: RUSSEL CROWE

There are the obvious points to be made: Cheney mistook that old dude' face for a pigeon, and Crowe Naomi-Campbelled a Manhattan hotel employee. But more interesting is the two men' striking level of comfort while acting like bloodthirsty maniacs, compared to their awkward level of discomfort while acting like normal, nonviolent human beings. Crowe, for example, has been praised for roles as a savage killer in Gladiator, a hard-case boxer in Cinderella Man and a schizophrenic in A Beautiful Mind, but has screwed the pooch in films not based on attempted murder, like A Good Year.

Similarly, Cheney is in his element when discussing "the stomach for the fight" or when telling Democrats to "go fuck" themselves. But watching him discuss his sensitive relationship with vagina-preferring daughter Mary is like watching a Rottweiler interact with a Care Bears coloring book. The clincher: The vast majority of the physical violence that Crowe' responsible for is fictional; with Cheney, not so much (just Google "Iraq").

Winner: CHENEY

MATCHUP #3: WACKY RACIST

Politician: SEN. ROBERT BYRD

Celebrity: KRAMER

Kramer, who goes by the alias "Michael Richards," followed his infamous American History X comedy routine with an unconvincing apology to "Afro-Americans" on The Late Show with David Letterman. That was pretty ugly, but you know what' really ugly? Actively leading a chapter of an organization that systematically executed blacks for decades. That' right: the senior senator from West Virginia was the "Exalted Cyclops" of his local Ku Klux Klan chapter in the 1940s, and only went into politics after being encouraged to do so by the KKK' "Grand Dragon" for the mid-Atlantic states.

Like Kramer, Ol' Cyclopsy has apologized, saying, "Intolerance no place in America," but it' hard to believe a man who' written, "Rather I should die a thousand times"¦ than to see this beloved land of ours become degraded by race mongrels" and filibustered for more than 14 hours in opposition to the 1964 Civil Rights Act. Yikes. That' one vote Barack Obama probably shouldn't count on.

Winner: BYRD

MATCHUP #4: A CLINTON

Politician: SEN. HILLARY CLINTON

Celebrity: FORMER PRES. BILL CLINTON

We know what you're thinking: Bill Clinton' a politician. Nope-he gave up his status as a politician on two separate occasions: when he left office in 2000, and when his ham-snake started getting more media coverage than his political policies. If anything, Bill was the first to blur the line between politician and celebrity. But other than not killing enough dark-skinned people in retaliation for the 2000 USS Cole bombing, the worst thing Bill ever did was dump some of his man-soup on a chubby intern. Hey, Jude law penetrated his kid' nanny, and we all forgave him just because he' adorably British. Bill' definitely made up for those hummers through his work with the 2005 tsunami, Hurricane Katrina and the Clinton Global Initiative.

So, what' worse: blowing off some of the steam that' accumulated from making the world a better place, or using your husband' legacy to trick his fans into voting you into power? This one' too close to call.

Winner: TIE

MATCHUP #5: SEXY TIME

Politician: ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Celebrity: TOM SIZEMORE

Which girthy California resident has a history of using illegal drugs, attending orgies and generally creeping everyone out? Correctomundo-it' both. And while Sizemore' biggest scumbag move is filming his soul-crushing trek to the top of Mount Hookermeth, Schwarzenegger' biggest scumbag move is pretty much doing what Sizemore did (albeit off-camera), then somehow parlaying it into a position that grants him power over the lives of millions.

Schwarzenegger supporters will argue that his admitted abuse of anabolic steroids isn't nearly as bad as Sizemore' admitted abuse of methamphetamine, although both primarily serve to make one deadly in shirtless fistfights with police. But, to be fair, Arnold supporters will also argue that forcing yourself on women half your size is no big deal either. Sizemore' antics have, at most, harmed a few hookers, but Schwarzenegger' have, at least, made a mockery of the most populous state in the union. So even though he' kindly acknowledged that he has "absolutely no hang-ups about the fag business," Schwarzenegger takes the cake.

Winner: SCHWARZENEGGER