Jessica-Off! Who's the Hottest Jessica?
Some names are sexy; some aren't. "Marv," for example, calls to mind the image of an old man in torn underwear chewing on a cold hot dog in front of Matlock reruns.
On the other hand, a name like "Jessica" indelibly calls to mind the image of a woman, probably large-breased, in her underwear, who's 70,000 times hotter than poor Marv. So many nubile, perfectly formed celebrity Jessicas have roamed the Earth-who's truly the hottest? Fear not-we use scientific-ish research to answer the question once and for all. (Apologies in advance to all you Jessica Fletcher-loving Murder, She Wrote fans out there.)
THE NOT-SO-INNOCENT-ANYMORE JESSICA: JESSICA BIEL
After rising to fame as the wholesome Mary Camden on 7th Heaven, Jessica Biel shocked the show's fans (all virgins, incidentally) by posing topless for Gear Magazine at the tender age of 17. Since then, the adult, shirt-shirking Biel has riveted audiences with performances in, um -- well, if you combine Stealth, Elizabethtown and Summer Catch, that's equal to like one real movie, right?
To be fair, Biel has starred in a few critically adored flicks too, often with her shirt on. She always brings levity, wit, and a fantastic chest/ass combo to her roles. For example, critics overwhelmingly agreed that in last year's The Illusionist, her breasts looked significantly perkier than Paul Giamatti's, which sparked considerable controversy at the time.
SCIENTIFIC-ISH RATING: 4 Baby Jessicas
THE CARTOONISHLY LARGE-BREASTED JESSICA: JESSICA RABBIT
When the folks at Amblin Entertainment designed this freakishly endowed redhead, they likely thought that they were creating a woman of such caricatured proportions that men would find her more comical than attractive-proving definitively that Amblin Entertainment employees work remotely from a distant solar system and don't understand what "men" are.
Despite their intentions, what they did create was a woman who proudly ushered in the phenomenon of men masturbating to cartoon characters. Congratulations, Amblin-you've made perverts of us all. (And while we're at it, why'd you have to go and make E.T. so sexy, too?)
SCIENTIFIC-ISH RATING: 3 Baby Jessicas
THE BLONDE MONGOLOID JESSICA: JESSICA SIMPSON
If nothing else, Jessica Simpson should be applauded for restoring men's faith in the stereotype that the most attractive women are blonde with huge tits and the mental capacity of a raccoon. Another reason to applaud is that her simple, underdeveloped central nervous system is, much like a raccoon, confused easily by loud noises: Loud clapping will disorient and frighten her, making it easier to trick her into thinking you're a talented musician-the only possible explanation for the fact that she voluntarily had had sex with Nick Lachey.
SCIENTIFIC-ISH RATING: 2.5 Baby Jessicas
THE MILF JESSICA: JESSICA LANGE
You know when you go over to your friend's house and you see a 30-year-old picture of his mom, and you frantically grab the dish soap and break into a dead sprint for the upstairs bathroom? Well, that's exactly what happens when you Google Jessica Lange and realize that she didn't become the vaguely hot mature woman she is today by not being hot when she was younger.
After playing the frequently almost-nude leading lady in 1976's King Kong, Lange spent the next decade filling the roles that ladies like Biel do today (or rather, the costumes that their T&A fill today). What sets her apart, though, is that she's won two Oscars for her acting, an honor almost as prestigious as the 3.5 Baby Jessicas we're awarding her here for being hot.
SCIENTIFIC-ISH RATING: 3.5 Baby Jessicas
THE LOST TO HISTORY JESSICA: JESSICA TANDY
Most still-living people remember this Jessica for her performances as that elderly woman Morgan Freeman came close to banging in Driving Miss Daisy or that elderly woman Kathy Bates came close to banging in Fried Green Tomatoes. But according to cave paintings that archeologists have dated to the time of her youth and this photograph of her playing Blanche Dubois opposite Marlon Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire, Tandy was among the most beautiful Jessicas to ever roam the Earth.
Unfortunately for Tandy and historically minded perverts everywhere, she did not play the role of Blanche in the film version of Streetcar , presumably of the opinion that talkies were a passing fad. By the time she got around to being a movie star in The Birds (yes, she played elderly women even back in 1963), she was just an old woman that you could tell was probably very attractive 30 years ago. So say what you will about the other women on this list's comparative hotness-at least our grandkids will be able to check out the Criterion Collection DVD of Stealth, and know why grandpa has BIEL LUVR tattooed on his knuckles.
SCIENTIFIC-ISH RATING: 3 Baby Jessicas
THE BRAINY JESSICA: JESSICA SPANO
There was a lot of debate as to whether or not to include a fictional Jessica, but once the decision to include Ms. Rabbit was made, we knew Spano had to follow. After all, if you're going to include a cartoon character, then you've got to be able to include one from Saved by the Bell (the show was originally aired during Saturday morning cartoons, which is appropriate given the level of subtext going on at Bay Side).
While all of the actors who played the six best friends in the show are irrevocably linked to the characters they played, only Jessie Spano would go on to take a role that required her to fuck some guy in a pool like she was an electrocuting otter. To a generation raised on Saved by the Bell, Showgirls was a cultural happening precisely because that was the smart, goodie-two-shoed, sort- of-stuck-up (but brainy and probably hot if she didn't wear those high hipped pants) Jessie Spano, showing us a side only hinted at in the episode in which she takes a bunch of speed.
While we're not saying she is as physically attractive as the rest of the girls on this list, following "the pool scene" Jessie forever became that elusive boyhood dream: The smart, reserved girl who becomes a nymphomaniac lunatic when you get her behind closed doors.
SCIENTIFIC-ISH RATING: 3.5 Baby Jessicas
THE IMMIGRANT JESSICA: JESSICA ALBA
The star of this summer's smash hit Fantastic Four: Hey, Jessica Alba's Wearing Spandex Again, the half-Mexican Alba became a household name when she landed the lead role in James Cameron's short-lived sci-fi series, Dark Angel. She landed the role after Cameron saw her mastery of Stanislavski's acting method. (Just kidding-it was on account of the rack.)
But this 26-year-old beauty isn't just a one-trick pony (this hypothetical pony's one trick being that most men would like to have sex with it). She's also played roles ranging from genetically perfect women in bikinis (Into the Blue) to genetically perfect strippers in leather chaps (Sin City) to genetically perfect choreographers in sports bras (Honey). That's called range, America.
SCIENTIFIC-ISH RATING: 4.5 Baby Jessicas
THE VERDICT
Based on the photo evidence and the carefully tabulated scientific-ish ratings system, Jessica Alba takes home the bacon. (The bacon, of course, being an arbitrary online victory that she'll never know about.) Congratulations, Jessica! It turns out we want to bone you! You, above all others!
