7 Great Men in History (And Why You Should Hate Them)

Historical Figure: Patrick Henry

What He's Remembered For
Most people know Patrick Henry as the radical revolutionary credited for demanding "Give me liberty or give me death," thereby inspiring all of Virginia to take up arms against British tyranny.

Why You Should Hate Him
Few people know that when he wasn't giving moving speeches, he was locking his wife in his basement. In Mindblowers, by Jim Rhine, we learn that for the last four years of her life Henry's wife was chained in her basement, possibly in a straitjacket and forbidden to see her children. It isn't unreasonable to conclude that the following conversation may have, at some point, occurred.

Alright, honey, I'm going out for some beer and stronger chains. Anything you need?

Yes. UNCHAIN ME FROM THE MOTHERFUCKING BASE ...

Besides me unchaining you from the basement. Which we've discussed, remember? Remember, hon? How we discussed that?

Patrick, I swear to God, either give me liberty or give me death.

Ha, ha! Well, no, of course. But ... waiiiittt ... that ... did you come up with that? Is that yours? Can I use that?

What? What are you talking about?

Honey, I think you just saved America.

Awesome. Now, unchain me from the basement.

That's just the sort of crazy talk I'd expect from a woman I chained in my basement.

Historical Figure: Gandhi

What He's Remembered For
Being a spiritual leader in India who fought for Indian independence without ever resorting to violence. He's primarily known in America as that Macintosh spokesperson who looks sort of like E.T.

Why You Should Hate Him
Here's a quote from Gandhi: "I do not consider to be as bad as depicted. He is showing an ability that is amazing, and he seems to be gaining his victories without much bloodshed."

Can you guess who's name was omitted? If you guessed Adolf Hitler, you're right and also totally insane for guessing that. You may remember Hitler as the character mentioned in the intro to this piece as an irrefutable dick. Apparently, Gandhi disagreed. We should have known this about Gandhi as soon as he started shaving his head ...

Historical Figure: Thomas Jefferson

What He's Remembered For
He wrote the Declaration of Independence and served as a governor, a minister to France, a secretary of state and a president of the United States.

Why You Should Hate Him
Jefferson's torrid affair with his slave, Sally Hemmings, is already fairly well-publicized. You think that's a scandal? Please. President Sex Machine would be lucky if that was the end of that issue. Instead, he fathered and subsequently denied several of Hemmings' children while giving speeches explaining how a white man marrying a black woman would produce "a degradation to which no lover of his country, no lover of excellence in the human character can innocently consent."

Also, Sally Hemmings was most likely the sister of Jefferson's dead wife, essentially his sister-in-law, so there would be a couple of kids running around the White House that Jefferson was both father and Uncle to. He'd really have his hands full. At least, he would have, had he ever actually acknowledged their existence.

Historical Figure: Woodrow Wilson

What He's Remembered For
He was the 28th American president, a Nobel Prize winner and the only president in history to have a Ph.D.

Why You Should Hate Him
He was a gigantic racist. This is true. When he wasn't creating the Federal Trade Commission or setting up the League of Nations, Ol' Woody was praising the KKK and laughing at the "darky" stories his wife would tell him nightly. He referred to other ethnic groups, including African-Americans as "hyphenated Americans" and, according to John Richard Stephens' Weird History 101, has gone on record to say, "Any man who carries a hyphen with him carries a dagger that he is ready to plunge into the vitals of this Republic whenever he gets ready." The man clearly did not care for the hyphen.

With the rise of al-Qaeda, you could almost make the argument that Wilson was ahead of his time in his hyphen-phobia, a word he was probably terrified of. But, then you remember that he would have thought Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was a bigger threat than al-Zawahiri and you realize Wilson was actually retarded.

Historical Figure: J. Edgar Hoover

What He's Remembered For
Hoover headed the FBI through eight presidential administrations, helped out during the Depression and World War II and received several awards including an honorary knighthood from King George VI.

Why You Should Hate Him
Most people already hate J. Edgar, so perhaps it would be more important to explain why else you should hate him: He told Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. to kill himself.

Hoover once asked to meet with Dr. King for lunch, and King refused. Apparently, Hoover was so furious that he made it his mission to destroy his career and life. He sent a package to Dr. King's house in which he politely requested that, in 34 days, he kill himself or else. King, just as politely, declined.

Once King was assassinated, Hoover and his cronies started rumors that the shooter was the husband of one of King's many, many mistresses. To add insult to injury, Hoover presumably did all of this while wearing a sundress.

The country was so disgusted with his behavior that President Lyndon B. Johnson decided to let Hoover continue serving in his incredibly influential and well-paid position as head of the FBI, despite having reached the mandatory retirement age.

Honorable Mention: Lyndon B. Johnson (see above)

What He's Remembered For
F.D.R is the only president to serve more than two terms and continues to rank in the top five greatest presidents of all time. He is almost universally accepted as one of, if not the, greatest president in American history. Roosevelt steered us through the Depression and a war while developing a strong rapport with his public through his intimate Fireside Chats.

Why You Should Hate Him
Most people don't know this, but F.D.R couldn't fucking walk. We'll let that sink in. Seriously, go ahead and do a Google Image search of F.D.R; that's not a chair he's sitting on. It's a chair with wheels. A wheelchair. Oh, also, he was married to his cousin and cheated on her with his secretary. But, back on task: a fucking wheelchair? It's a good thing the American people have wised up since then.

What He's Remembered For
Invented radio, microwaves, primitive radar systems, the lightbulb and electricity

Why You Should Hate Him
He did not invent the light bulb. Edison was not the smartest scientist around-not by a long shot. He did, however, hire a brilliant man named Nikola Tesla, who luckily was.

Tesla is responsible for radio, microwaves, primitive radar systems and the electricity we use today, which Edison gets credit for. The truth is that Edison hired Tesla to redesign his electrical generators. Tesla did, but when he asked for the $50,000 he was promised, Edison replied, and this is a direct quote, "Tesla, you don't understand our American humor," and paid him only in middle fingers.

Tesla quit and tried to strengthen his electrical discoveries in an effort to provide free energy for the entire world, but Edison and his thugs at General Electric devoted time not spent on stealing patents to making sure that the rest of the scientific community thought Tesla was crazy and dangerous. Tesla died alone and in serious amounts of debt. Edison died on a pile of money in a "Suck it, Tesla" T-shirt that he did not design.