"I'll reach my huge, muscular arm right through this TV screen and choke the
life out of you if you don't sell that stock now!"
"You call that a
stock? You'd get more of a return on your investment if you spent
that cash on a Thai whore!"
"If any of
you try to use my 'BOO-YA!' catchphrase ever again, I will defecate
on the TV camera so much that the stench will still reach every one
of you pansies in your safe little homes!"
"Have you seen
that Maria Bartiromo chick? Dude, she's hot!"
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"You're damned
right you should invest in Rogaine, it's clearly done wonders for
me!"
"I'm lonely."
"Buy it! Buy it
now! Quick! Buy! Buy! Buy! Buy damn it buy! Haha, just kidding, that
stock is crashing! BOO-YA!"
"Who? I've never
even heard of that company! Go back to Uganda or whatever hellish,
backwards country you came from! You make me want to puke!"
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"Who's been
messing with my sound buttons? Son of a bitch! This one was supposed
to sound like two greasy sumo wrestlers colliding, not the 'hoot' of
a goddamn owl!"
"No really, I'm
very lonely."
"Listen up,
caller! I was so goddamn excited about this IPO that I ripped off
my testicles and swallowed them whole!"
"That stock gave
me syphilis!"
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"Hear my cries!
Believe my lies!"
"Teen Wolf Too
was actually a pretty damned good movie if I do say so myself!"
"Caller, you've
got a sexy voice! What say you and I shack up in a hotel and I'll
show you my roll of quarters if you know what I mean. Hell,
maybe you can turn it into a roll of silver dollars!"
"I make Sam
Kinison sound like a mute! I make Brad Pitt look like a burn victim!
I make you all look... at my crotch! HA HA!"
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"When are they
going to invite me to ring that goddamned closing bell huh? They let
Sarah Jessica Parker do it!? Who's next, Richard Grieco!? It's my
turn, damnit!"
"Bartiromo and
Cramer, sittin' in a tree. F-U-C-K-I-N-G!"
"The Dow Jones
is sinking lower than my self-esteem!"
"No, that's not
a good deal! If you buy this stock, I will break into your house and
rape your mother! Do you hear me, caller!?"
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"Listen up, I'm
in debt up to my ass and some serious people want to collect. If I
don't come up with the cash quickly, some tough guys are gonna break
my legs! So how about YOU give ME some stock advice for a change!"
"Ask me no more
questions, tell me no more lies!
The boys are in the bathroom zipping up their flies!"
"Apple
computers? Why would you want to invest in a lemon like that?
Get it? Ahahahahahaha! SHUT UP!"
"I once threw up
all over the guests at a party in a drunken stupor. Today, on Mad
Money, I'd like to reenact that scenario! I hope you sons-a-bitches
wore your galoshes!"
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"Do not invest
in oil companies! Oil is the black blood of the Earth-it's made of
pure unfiltered evil and the ground up remains of stillborn infants!"
"OK caller, I'll
make you a deal: if your stock actually earns you a profit, I'll
travel to the Vatican and suck off the Pope!"
"I throw chairs
on my show not because I hate sitting, but because it keeps the
demons at bay!"
"BOO-YA! BOO-YA!
BOO-YA! SCREW YA! SCREW YA! SCREW YA!"
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