Cracked Round-Up: Recession Edition?

Wait, have we already done a Recession Edition, yet? We fired the guy that kept track of that stuff a couple of weeks ago. Just pretend we said something witty.

GUT-WRENCHING

6 Fake Foods You (Will Wish You Didn't) Have in Your Kitchen Maybe those crazy old hippies growing tomatoes by the side of the road were right. Ah, fuck it. Fake cheese tastes too good.

Notable Comment: "I worked at a movie theater for about a year and a half...we had "Golden-flavored Popcorn Topping". I used to know all the ingredients, but they included soybean oil, and SILICONE. No, I do not jest. The primary ingredient in fake boobs is also in your "butter". This stuff stained my work shirts so bad that not even bleach treatments could get the sickly yellow color out. "

BAD PARENTS

8 Insane Ways Parents Are Politically Brainwashing Children You know what, there just isn't enough intolerance and hatred in the world today. Let's find some way to pass that shit on down to our children!

Notable Comment: "THERE ARE NO LIBERALS, NO CONSERVATIVES. ONLY.................. THUNDERDOME!"

Wow, BIGMIKE, you've completely encapsulated our entire political ethos.

SUPERMAN

5 Superpowers You Didn't Know Your Body Was Hiding From You Fuck our tendons, we want super-strength!

Notable Comment: "I use echolocation at night when I go to have a pee and don't want to shock my eyes by turning on the light... the sound of the pee hitting the toilet water lets me know it's in the right place... the absence of that sound tells me to redirect pretty quick. "

SCARY SPIDER

Nature's 6 Most Diabolical Predators This is why we need to round-up every living creature that isn't actively adorable and shoot them all in the face with napalm. Yes, that seems like a reasoned and measured response to being mildly creeped out.

Notable Comment:"Thank you Cracked, for making me scared of spiders all over again. Therapy was really going well too. "

SEX IS BAD

The 5 Most Horrific Ways People Have Tried to Discourage Sex Today, we're much more evolved. We don't need to rely on penis-tying, castration, or chastity belts...we've got World of Warcraft.

Notable Comment:col_p says; "Castration; the only 100% cure for baldness (stops it from happening, rather than making hair grow back). "

GLADSTONE

Fox News' Boob Filled Report on the Stimulus Package Take that Fox News.

YOU YOU YOU!

22 Awesome Ways to Reboot Classic TV Shows We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, If Video Games Were Realistic.

9.10.09:

Warning- hanging w/ frat boys may cause rectal bleeding.
by mephitic

Editor's pick:

You know, it isn't right when the one dressed as a duck is the manliest guy in the group.
by CavalierX

9.09.09:

That's actually just one Flash trying out several different pick-up approaches at once.
by ChaseMitchell

Editor's pick:

This isn't what I meant by flash mob.
by Ryder11

9.08.09:

By the power of Gayskull
by seannyb

Editor's pick:

Fisher Price's My First Sex Offender
by -ED-209

8.07.09:

He's still a lot better than Nickleback.
by Brett-Butler

Editor's pick:

you should see him with the piano
by 8.06.09:

"Did you hear that lobster tell that b***h off?" "Yeah, what a badass."
by bubsfoster

Editor's pick:

Apparently there is something more interesting going on than the grown men dressed as squirrels.
by RulerOfAll

8.05.09:

It's pretty clear what PacMan thinks of Minesweeper.
by HUMLY

Editor's pick:

This must be what the Mayans were talking about
by porpoise-song

8.04.09:

They may look swedish but I'm sure they were made in China
by DunstinChecksOut

Editor's pick:

Dignity: Some assembly required*
by slushiaddict