12 Low-Budget Ways to Improve Safety in the NFL

Some might say that the officiating in the NFL is already overbearing. I’m saying, let’s dial it up to two, three times what it is now. Players should borderline have no idea what is even legal to do. That confusion will naturally slow the game down, and lead to less dangerous hits.

You dent a helmet? Rip a jersey? Guess what, that’s coming out of your game check. This will lead to gentle, careful lowering of opposing players to the ground in order to keep their uniforms in pristine condition.

To be clear, I’m not suggesting that tackling be replaced with anything else. They’re just not allowed to do it. This achieves two of the league’s goals: safer play, and higher scoring games. Win-win.

More bigger, more safer. That’s math, my guy. Try getting a head injury when you’ve got a bucket the size of a state fair pumpkin.

There’s a disturbing and unsafe trend of players not keeping their mouthguards in their mouth, letting them hang off their facemasks or chewing them, not protecting their pearly whites. Slather those crescents in delicious peanut butter, and they’ll be looking forward to that little feast long before kickoff.

NFL players are massive, powerful men. This is a huge safety risk. What if, instead, they were tiny? Perhaps one to two feet tall? The force delivered would be much smaller. Plus, the cameramen can just zoom in, and no one will know the difference.

We’re already ruining every other human joy with artificial intelligence. Why not ask it which team would win and never play the game at all? This would bring the injury rate to a beautiful, round, zero percent.

I’ll admit, simply not playing football doesn’t seem like a great compromise. So I suggest the following: make the games five minutes long. This will greatly reduce the amount of injuries, because who will have the time?

We already have referees on the field. Why not also throw a single, emergency medicine-trained doctor on there to run along with the ball? Prompt treatment is incredibly important, and it doesn’t get any prompter than a doctor watching it happen from two yards downfield.

Feathers are soft. It would be okay to fall on them, because of that. It would also look absolutely enchanting, feathers flying behind running backs like they’re a proud, powerful pegasus.

This makes so much sense I’m surprised they haven’t already done it. If it can keep a vase safe cross-country, it can keep a human safe across the line of scrimmage.

The worst option yet. Never mind.