12 Fashion Choices That Show You Don’t Leave the House Much

When a piece of clothing is most closely associated with Milhouse, that’s a bad sign. The simple fact is that there’s no reason for this. Shorts exist. Pants exist. Between them is a purgatory where no leg belongs.

The Twitter bio special. Wearing these in 2024 might as well be tattooing an iron cross on your forehead. They look like you were just attacked by some sort of weird facehugger from the Alien franchise that’s injecting a tiny libertarian into your stomach.

I’m already not a huge fan of long hair on men. Not because of machismo or ingrained envy from my own baldness, but because it always makes you look like a merman who just got his wish granted. If you don’t control a fief in feudal japan, it’s time to take a blade to the back of your head, my guy.

These demonstrate a base misunderstanding of how both fashion and toes work. How are they going to improve your balance when your feet are sticking out of the top of a trashcan?

The first thing you want anyone to know about you is that you sweat a lot? You should have to show a doctor’s note to wear these to the grocery store.

If someone’s wearing a fedora, they’re either Brad Pitt, Leonard Cohen or an idiot. Did it come with a bottle of Johnny Depp’s cologne?

Putting every comic relief character in the ‘90s in the blazer-hoodie combo is the worst idea Hollywood’s had since the helicopter scene in the Twilight Zone movie.

If I didn’t know what The Matrix was about, I would just assume Agent Smith was the fashion police, trying to get Neo and friends to take these things off.

Look, having a half-pound chunk of needlepointing jutting into your ass every time you sit down might not be comfortable, but how else is everyone going to know you were in the Manson family?

This one might be more of a personal hang-up, but good god, I cannot watch another canvas phallus flop around from a d-ring in public. You look like an 11-year-old showing off how much weight you lost at fat camp. If you pull the strap hard enough, does an emergency exit pop open in the back?

For a while, people thought these looked badass. Then they realized they just make you look like a contact juggler. If they’re knit winter gloves, it’s medium-acceptable for phone access. Otherwise, it looks like you’re riding the subway to your yearly rejected audition for the X-Men.

You might as well wear a bib that says “Proud Redditor.”