If 2024 Movie Posters Were Honest

The first poster is way too busy! We don’t want to see stringy alien gobbledegook. Make the movie look like a sexual thriller between a man and a goop monster because, honestly, that’s what it is.

A teaser is fine, but let’s not screw with the classic Marvel formula too much. Give us an absolute clusterfuck of characters, largely repeats of the same actors, in an action-movie void.

Don’t focus on how bad you butchered these characters. Show us the kitchen remodel this bought Cate Blanchett, because surely that was the only reason she agreed to be in such a turd. 

This is supposed to be a horror movie, right? The people want a liminal space punctuated by a quick jumpscare. 

Look, there’s a 50 percent chance this movie doesn’t see the light of day. So let’s get weird with it! Throw in some Spider-Mans and other comic characters that absolutely will not appear in the film (again, if you don’t shelf it for the tax write-off). 

Why has Joaquin Phoenix’s face been sanded down to a smooth wax sculpture? This was missing the ‘70s grit of the original. Speaking of which, what’s a foley doo? Change the title to something people will actually watch.

This was made by a YouTuber, right? Make the poster like a YouTube video thumbnail. And, screw it, throw MrBeast and his dead-eye stare in there as well. It’s not false advertising, it’s gaming the algorithm! 

You can’t oversell the musical aspect enough. Audiences hate musicals, but as we saw with the Mean Girls 2024 reboot, what they hate even more is to pay for a movie that they didn’t realize was a musical in the first place. 

The original poster was too vague and alienates those who never saw the original. You can never underestimate your audience enough! Just show what everyone is coming to see anyway: the cute animal sidekicks and the mind-blowing textures and water physics that make these things cost $250 million to make.

If you want to recapture the epic romance between Helen Hunt and the late Bill Paxton from the original, you’re going to have to sex this one up a bit. Frame it like a romcom between the titular cyclones.