12 Hats I Can Assure You That You Are Not Pulling Off

Everyone knows you’re bald.

You better be 12 years old, currently snowboarding or an extra in Harold & Kumar. You got to college and decided your thing was going to be “stoner,” and now everyone has to listen to Pink Floyd?

I can’t look at this without seeing the 15 minutes you spent in the mirror making sure to show just the right amount of ear. I hope a bird steals it.

I’m seeing more of these things around, and they’re fucking horrible. You look like Jughead at a job interview.

You’re not the guy. Trust me.

Physically, this hat is very light, but stylistically? It weighs upon the head like pure tungsten. It has the energy of a vacation photo you took three times because it wasn’t “fun” enough.

You’re trying harder to have sex than anyone in the history of the world.

Let me get this straight: You’re a singer and a songwriter?

Every conversation with you feels like being asked to sign a petition.

You don’t need moisture-wicking clothes to buy groceries.

You look like you’re trying to get minorities kicked out of a carnival.

If you’re even thinking of trying this, you probably need to get rid of your entire wardrobe and start over.