12 Hats I Can Assure You That You Are Not Pulling Off
Some publications will tell you that a hat is a fun way to complement an outfit. This is almost always completely untrue. Any hat that isn't one of the two classically acceptable shapes (baseball or beanie) is much more likely to be a beacon mounted on top of your head that tells everyone you’re Trying Something New.
Look, I’m a bald man, and I wish there was more variation available, but I know, as you do in your bones, that it’s just not happening.
Here are 12 hats I recommend removing from your online shopping cart…
The Flat Cap
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Everyone knows you’re bald.
The Earflap Beanie
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You better be 12 years old, currently snowboarding or an extra in Harold & Kumar. You got to college and decided your thing was going to be “stoner,” and now everyone has to listen to Pink Floyd?
Cuffed Beanie
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I can’t look at this without seeing the 15 minutes you spent in the mirror making sure to show just the right amount of ear. I hope a bird steals it.
Brimless Whatever This Thing Is
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I’m seeing more of these things around, and they’re fucking horrible. You look like Jughead at a job interview.
The Fedora
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You’re not the guy. Trust me.
Straw Fedora
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Physically, this hat is very light, but stylistically? It weighs upon the head like pure tungsten. It has the energy of a vacation photo you took three times because it wasn’t “fun” enough.
The Porkpie
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You’re trying harder to have sex than anyone in the history of the world.
The Greek Fisherman Hat
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Let me get this straight: You’re a singer and a songwriter?
The Army Cap
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Every conversation with you feels like being asked to sign a petition.
The Visor
You don’t need moisture-wicking clothes to buy groceries.
The Boater
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You look like you’re trying to get minorities kicked out of a carnival.
The Top Hat
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If you’re even thinking of trying this, you probably need to get rid of your entire wardrobe and start over.