Here’s What Was on American Currency Before We Started Slapping Presidents on It

Before there was a unified national currency, or in this case a unified nation at all, individual colonies issued their own notes. This thing looks like a nightmare to carry or store, and it’s a very reasonable question why you’d bother with what looks like a commemorative “money owner” certificate instead of just the three easy coins it represents. Plus, the inclusion of pounds here is an embarrassing reminder that Britain still owns us. 

Points for whatever’s going on the side, though, which looks like something out of an occult notebook.

Now we’re starting to cook with grease. These were issued to finance the Revolutionary War, meaning the detestable reference to the pound is long gone, replaced with the good old “dollar.” Things are a little crowded, to say the least, but I absolutely love the little harp-freak and it should absolutely still be a big part of our financial system in my opinion. 

Points against: Still an insane size, and why in the world is this worth EIGHT dollars? I know we hate the metric system, but we can still do fives and tens, guys.

This one’s an unadulterated “hell yeah” from yours truly. First of all, they seem to have finally figured out that people might not want to carry around their spending money in a full-size briefcase. You got that big-ass five slamming straight into your eyeballs like a minuteman’s musket ball. You got a statue stunting on the left. “United States” big as fuck. 

It’s the first one I’d love to slap down at a bodega to buy some Dr Pepper, and the coolest detail? I still could. All U.S. currency from this year on remains valid for use today.

Abraham Lincoln is featured here, at double the price. Aesthetically, this thing is top-notch, and I’m never gonna argue with throwing a big bald eagle on something. The functional specifics of the “demand notes” of which this is an example are even cooler, though. The way these worked was that you could show up at one of seven banks across the country, hand them one of these bad boys and they were required to immediately give you the value in gold or silver, which is so much more exciting than the way banks work now.

1862 is the debut of the dollar bill into the U.S. financial lineup, and indirectly, the first step toward strip clubs. For that alone, we must give it a salute. You may notice, though, that George Washington is nowhere to be found, and the bill instead features some bald dude. That is a funny man with a funny name of Salmon P. Chase, who is not a cartoon bear, but, in fact, was the Secretary of the Treasury at the time under Abraham Lincoln. 

Look, I respect your service, Salmon, but I think we both know you’re not a leading man. The roots are there, the casting is wrong.

Another Civil War note, and they kind of went off on this one. Counterfeiting was a huge problem at the time, and so complicated geometric patterns started making their inclusion, so that counterfeiters would have a harder time — or at least much sorer hands. 

An unintentional benefit was the back of this bill, which looks like a magic-eye puzzle. Squint your eyes, and you can see a sailboat with boxes of tea getting tossed off of it. Plus, you’ve got that patriotic lady on the front, which given the morals of the time, was probably porn-adjacent.

Okay, Benjamin Franklin makes an appearance, though worth half of what he eventually would be worth. He’s not my main area of interest here, however. That belongs squarely to the personification of Justice on the right side, in the form of a woman with a sword staring directly into your soul. She’s giving you a look like you just said monarchy is pretty cool, and she’s about to take you in the alley and rough you up. It looks like something pulled from the cover of a (possibly white nationalist) metal band’s album.

As an alternative to regular bills, the Treasury started issuing silver certificates, worth their equivalent amount in silver. They look cool, I won’t argue that, but I think I’d always rather have the cold, hard metal to roll in my hand like a king or goblin.

The silver certificates did give a chance for George Washington’s wife to make her way onto money. Obviously, given she was dead, she didn’t have any say in what picture was used, but it does feel like there were more flattering options. At least one without the weird Dune-ass headwear. I also don’t love learning that George Washington apparently married a lady who looked exactly like him. It’s a little eugenics-coded.

I regret to admit I had no idea who the fellow on the left of this bill was. I assumed he was a tough customer, given that he was entrusted with guarding a thousand bucks, and it turns out I was right. This is George C. Meade, a Union general who, though later overtaken by Ulysses S. Grant, was responsible for victory at Gettysburg. 

Honestly, bring this guy back. Give him a spot somewhere, because the man has a face and posture built for currency. Hell, bring the whole bill back. It might not be widely useful, but a thousand-dollar bill is something I’d just like to know is out there.

Okay, now this is a positively sex-suffused piece of money. It’s definitely the horniest bill I’ve ever seen. You’ve got a bona-fide piece of art that could decorate a sex den on the front, and on the back, you’ve got George and Martha Washington looking like they saw you from across the tavern and liked your vibe.

Here we arrive at something that could conceivably be confused for a modern bill. This is close to the modern design, save some tweaks over the years, and one notable difference: These bills were still a little larger than the modern dollar.