15 of the Biggest MFers on Earth
![15 of the Biggest MFers on Earth](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/6/0/6/909606_320x180.jpg)
As anyone who has recently felt compelled to watch the first Scary Movie can attest, it’s not the size of the hammer, it’s the nail you’re throwing it at. But there are absolutely occasions where size does matter. If you’re dropping a rock on a dude’s head, for instance, a beautiful or interesting rock isn’t going to be as effective as a really big one. Fishermen don’t make outlandish claims of catching one that got away but was “this fascinating.”
The planet Earth is home to some hefty motherfuckers, really big bastards that sometimes have nothing else going for them at all, but really make you go, “Damn, that’s big.” Bigness kind of transcends everything, you know? People from different cultures, who speak different languages and feel like they have little in common, can all see a really big dog and think exactly the same thing: Fucking hell, what a big dog.
With the humanity-unifying ability of giantness in mind, perhaps this list of truly massive motherfuckers might herald a new era of world peace. Or it might just make you think, “Yes, that is quite big for a tree, isn’t it?”
The Biggest Thing That Hit Us, What a Space Bastard
![CRACKED The asteroid that caused the Vredefort crater in South Africa around two billion years ago had a radius of 118 miles, making the one that killed the dinosaurs (six miles) the space version of a micropenis.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/0/2/8/906028.jpg)
The Humongous Fungus That Lives Among Us: The Biggest Living Thing of Any Kind
![CRACKED In Oregon's Blue Mountains, there's a single fungus that, if collected into one place, would be about four square miles. It's amazing there's mushroom for anything else.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/0/2/7/906027.jpg)
The Biggest-Ass Tree
![CRACKED It's nice when things aren't surprising. The biggest tree in the world is a massive sequoia, just as it should be. Nicknamed General Sherman, it resides in Sequoia National Park (as it should) and has almost two tons of just leaves.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/0/2/5/906025.jpg)
The Most Massive-Ass Dinosaur
![CRACKED While not as well-known as other dinos, Patagotitan was potentially the biggest dinosaur to ever walk the Earth, stomping about 101 million years ago weighing 63 tons and not giving a shit.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/0/2/6/906026.jpg)
The Biggest Bastard in the Sea
![CRACKED The Antarctic blue whale can reach 98 feet in length (but probably says it's 100 feet long on Aquatic Tinder). It eats 8,000 pounds of krill a day, and has a heart the size of a car.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/0/2/3/906023.jpg)
The Sky’s Largest Mofo
![CRACKED The wandering albatross has an 11-foot wingspan and can travel thousands of miles in a single journey. They sleep on the wing, and can go for a whole year without touching land at all. Good - stay in the sky where you belong, you monsters.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/0/2/2/906022.jpg)
The Most Needlessly Giant Rodent
![CRACKED Capybaras are the biggest rodents in the world - close but enormous relatives of guinea pigs and twice the size of beavers. Their breakfast of choice? Their own shit, the disgraceful reprobates.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/0/2/1/906021.jpg)
The Planet’s Phattest Dumper
![CRACKED Big things do big shits: The blue whale sometimes presses out as much as 53 gallons of rancid liquid shit in one grunt.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/0/1/9/906019.jpg)
Big-Boy Ship: The Biggest Boat Ever
![CRACKED JAHRE VIKING In 1979, the Seawise Giant became not only the world's biggest ship, but the largest moving human-made object ever. It was 1,500 feet long, weighing nearly 600,000 tons, with a stopping distance of, insanely, five and a half miles.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/0/1/8/906018.jpg)
Vroom Vroom, It’s the World’s Biggest Vehicle
![CRACKED BEL Hutz your The Bagger 293 is a bucket-wheel excavator built in 1995 and weighs over 14,000 tons. It can clear 90 tons of earth from a building site in one go, doing up to 85,000 tons a day. It's grey and badass.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/0/2/0/906020.jpg)
The Biggest Pig in the World
![CRACKED Other than your mom, history's biggest pig was Big Bill, a 2,500-pound Poland-China hog who was five feet tall at the shoulder and nine feet long. Born in Jackson, Tennessee, in 1930, he died at three after breaking a leg.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/0/1/7/906017.jpg)
Fuck Your Scissors: The World’s Biggest Rock
![CRACKED The biggest rock in the world is Burringurrah, also known as Mount Augustus, in Australia. It's twice as massive as the better-known Uluru, at 2,350 feet high and five miles long, although arguably not as photogenic.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/0/2/4/906024.jpg)
One Big Son of a Bitch: The World’s Biggest Dog
![CRACKED Zeus, a Great Dane from Otsego, Michigan, was the tallest dog in the world - 44 inches tall when standing, and 7-foot-4 on his hind legs. Не made it to the ripe old age of five and was a good boy.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/0/1/4/906014.jpg)
Biggest Fish, Biggest Shark, Biggest Upstager of Jason Statham
![CRACKED The megalodon is long dead - thank fuck. The biggest shark to have ever lived reached 60 feet long, with 274 teeth and a mouth wide enough to eat two people simultaneously. They died out about three million years ago. Good.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/0/1/6/906016.jpg)
Sssssssssssssssssso Big: The World’s Longest Snake
![CRACKED The reticulated python is the longest snake in the world, with one reaching 39 feet 10 inches in length. However, anacondas are girthier, which as we all know is more important. A 27-foot specimen was nearly four feet around.](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/imageset/0/1/5/906015.jpg)