4 Dumb Reasons We Let Bad People Off The Hook

4 Death

Nothing makes a person look better than embalming fluid and a clean suit or classy yet demure dressing gown. Once a person dies, you'd think they were sainted superheroes who had devoted their lives to the betterment of all mankind and improving the quality of pizza, porno, and awesome muscle cars -- at least, based on some of the obituaries you'll read out there. And while maybe one or two people fit that description, does everyone?

Mobutu Sese Seko was the brutal dictator of the Congo for years. He stole billions of dollars and let his people suffer. After he died, they built him a monument. Why? Because the dead are nearly always forgiven of their sins in the eyes of people who want to pretend monsters don't exist. Look how popular Stalin is in Russia. I have it on good authority that when he was alive, Stalin was an utter dick. Just a floppy dong of an asshole. But in death, he's a tourist attraction. People put posters of him on the wall. You can find galleries on the internet showing how handsome he was as a young man, because a murderous thug is A-OK in a historical sense if he looked like an underwear model before his policies killed millions.

If you want a more divisive example (yes, I'm aware people still know that Stalin was a doucheass), look at Antonin Scalia. Depending on who you talk to, he was either as awesome as Judge Judy or worse than Judge Judy. But both sides can't be right about him, and the truth is probably a mix of both. And when he died, his obituaries exalted his long service and dedication to justice. Most also avoided his staunch opposition to Roe v. Wade, same-sex marriage, homosexuality in general, and how he once attributed the decay of society to women who swear. Are many of these just conservative talking points? Sure, but declaring same-sex marriage immoral and likening homosexuality to bestiality, which Scalia did, is also dickish. And whether you support or oppose those positions, what matters is that after he died, they were mostly swept aside or given a sentence in the middle of ten paragraphs, because they were controversial and we like to venerate the dead no matter what.

When my grandfather died, his obituary mentioned that he had volunteered in an old man club for years, doing shit like drunk fishing, and that he was a great supporter of the United Way. It failed to mention the numerous times he dined and dashed, his history of passing bad checks, and the fact that he used to get my brothers shitfaced drunk when they'd visit. My brothers were about ten years old at the time.

3 The Enemy Of My Enemy

You may have recently seen a certain video of a certain Nazi getting punched in a certain face. It's wildly popular, and has already been recut about a million times with hilarious songs and graphics so we can all watch and rewatch said Nazi getting punched. Now, before we begin, if you feel the need to tell me that he's not actually a Nazi, please shut down whatever device you're reading this on and go fuck a pumpkin.

Here's some porn to enjoy while you do.

The Nazi Punch Heard Round The World has been an insanely divisive act. While many people think that you should start your day with coffee and a Nazi punch, others have jumped in to say that we can't justify violence no matter what. And that's OK. These people aren't defending Nazis; they're defending an ideal that we would probably all defend for literally any other human. You don't get punched just for being. If we allow violence in this case, why not punch everyone? Obviously, many people disagree and feel that the Nazi part is a real kicker, so to speak, but that's a debate for somewhere else. This is about the people who go one step further and elevate the Nazi to a position of moral superiority. He's entitled to his opinion! He didn't do anything, he just has beliefs. Aren't we all allowed to have beliefs?

Now here's the thing: Of course you can believe whatever you want. But you should also be smart enough to know that if you believe in the ideals of a Nazi, you may get punched in the noggin. Should you? Some say yes, some say no. But this isn't about shoulds and ideals; this is about the way people react to very inflammatory speech and behavior. They get punchy. And in opposition to that, some people have started painting a Nazi as a victim. If you've been backed into a corner where you defend a Nazi against pretty much anything, you're in one goofy clusterfuck of a room with some janky corners. Just because you don't support the puncher doesn't necessarily mean you need to jump to the aid of a bloviating ass-goblin who has literally contemplated how to eliminate African Americans, which Richard Spencer did when he ran this article on his site.

Sure, it's OK to sometimes side with someone against a common enemy, but you can only polish a turd so far. Polishing this one just reveals half-eaten corn filled with more shit.

2 Hotness

It's super hard not to judge someone based on looks. Sure, get to know someone and they might turn out to be the best person ever, even if they have a Piers Morgan Kuato. But at first glance, you're not letting an uggo get away with butting in line ahead of you or accidentally licking your armpit. A beautiful person, however, can nearly get away with murder.

Sometime after Chris Brown used his fists to communicate his stunted mental development to Rihanna, Twitter erupted with a veritable glitter bomb of vitriol for the tattooed twat. But it wasn't all grim tidings. A crazy abundance of lady-folk were quick to send messages to Brown about how he was so hot that they'd let him beat them, too. Doesn't that send a shiver through your crack? It should. And of course, men will let a beautiful women use them as a doormat -- literally, if necessary -- simply due to the hazy idea they have that she might show them a boob. Look at Casey Anthony, if you dare.

She was on trial for murder, and countless websites opted to put together articles on the hottest murderers to commemorate her. If that doesn't scream class, nothing does. Class is wordless bellowing into the abyss, in this case.

This isn't just smoke I'm vaping into your butthole, either. Studies have shown that pretty people have it easier in life. You might try to argue that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but that saying was probably thought up by a stump-legged lumberjack with odor issues. In fact, beauty is in many cases very objective. People who have symmetrical and well-proportioned features and figures are generally considered attractive by everyone. Doesn't mean you don't think the south side of a pig is attractive too; it just means that for the most part, we can all acknowledge the beauty of certain people. And some of those sexy bastards are downright unscrupulous as a result, because they learned fast that being pretty has advantages. Pretty girls get drinks at bars all the time, regardless of whether they even show interest in a guy. All the attractive guys I knew growing up were up to their eyeballs in ass, and a lot of them treated girls like shit. Lucky for me, I look like a night terror fucked Winnie the Pooh, so I never had that personality problem.

Odds are if you haven't done so yourself, you at least know someone who was in just a dumpster fire of a relationship with someone, and they kept it up for way too long solely because the other person was really good-looking. They could have the personality of fungus, and they'd still be able to stretch some goodwill out at least twice as long as someone with a walleye and penis-shaped face scar, even if they were the nicest person on earth.

1 Fame

This is an extension of the beauty principle, but vastly more insidious, because even the hideously wretched or (to use PC language) the non-traditionally viewable benefit from this. For examples, please see Woody Allen, Roman Polanski, Victor Salva, Mark Wahlberg, R. Kelly, and we're currently right in the middle of the softening of hearts toward the racist partial Yeti Mel Gibson. All of those people have done things that most people would find reprehensible in most circumstances, but because they're famous, we let them keep making movies and music and whatever it is Lindsay Lohan does these days.

A celebrity can literally murder someone, and there will still be a base of people who just don't care. Right now, Bill Cosby still has a support base. Roman Polanski still has people giving him awards and accolades. They let O.J. Simpson write a book called If I Did It. When you're famous, no one gives a shit how awful you are, because that's how much some people worship celebrities. That's why Scientology is still a thing still: The cult of celebrity is so strong that it actually makes you join cults ... I mean legitimate religions. It makes you join a legitimate religion.

To fully appreciate the power of celebrity over dickishness, you need look no further than Shia LaBeouf. Shia started his crimes against humanity with a trio of Transformers movies, and only got worse from there. He ripped off some rappers during a freestyle competition, tried to get into a fight outside a strip club, tried to steal a Big Mac from a hobo, pissed on a restaurant, headbutted a dude, released a short film that he mostly plagiarized and then apologized with plagiarized apologies, and attacked a neighbor with a knife. Amongst other things. But in January 2017, he got into a shouting/shoving match with a guy egging him on with Nazi slogans and was arrested. And then came the outpouring of support. Twitter gave us the #FreeShia hashtag. People were treating him like Nelson Mandela.

Now, the astute amongst you might question why I support attacking a Nazi in a previous example, but not in this one. Isn't that hypocritical? No. First, I still support giving shit to Nazis. But Shia LaBeouf is not Batman. He's not the dark vigilante saving us from the fiends in shadows. He's an asshole who got in a fight with another asshole. That's two assholes. That's Asshole Squared, morphing into an asshole Mobius strip where no matter what path you travel, you'll always find asshole. But in this case, LaBeouf wins out because he's famous. He's beyond that anonymous stranger who punched Spencer because we know nothing about that guy. He's a blank slate, just a hero to most people. But if we found out he'd made Michael Bay movies, we'd probably be rightly disgusted. Or we should be.

If you're the type of person who can't help it, but people just get to you, we'd like to recommend The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck by Sarah Knight.

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