The 5 Worst Rickety Cricket Moments on ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’ That Prove That God Has Abandoned Him
Father Matthew Mara once believed that God’s plan was for him to marry his lifelong love Deandra “Sweet Dee” Reynolds. That jabroni also believed that the Virgin Mary was just a stain.
Of all the still-living side characters in It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, the most abused and unfortunate soul is undoubtedly Father Mara, better known by the name his childhood bullies called him: Rickety Cricket. Played by Always Sunny writer and producer David Hornsby, poor Crick’s downward spiral started the moment he stepped into Paddy’s Pub to see a supposed “miracle” for himself, finding a distinct lack of godliness in the Gang’s scheme at the time. Over the next 19 years, Cricket himself would fall further and further from God’s light, leaving him a disfigured, sinful street rat who, during the last time we saw him, was running a male prostitution ring.
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However, the priest-to-pimp pipeline is no straight shot, as countless moments throughout Cricket’s time on Always Sunny had to turn downright Satanic for him to become the unholy urchin he is today. Here are the most sacrilegious Cricket scenes in Always Sunny history, starting with…
Dee Tricks Cricket Into Leaving the Church
A list of Cricket’s lowest moments wouldn’t be complete without starting at the beginning in the Season Two episode “The Gang Exploits a Miracle,” when Satan (aka Sweet Dee) tempts Cricket into casting off the cloth by pretending to finally fall in love with him. Unfortunately for Cricket, it was the horse turd all over again, and Sweet Dee still wasn’t willing to kiss him, even after he threw away his entire life to be with her.
While not as visually obscene as many of Cricket’s later run-ins with the Gang, his first step away from God’s grace was also the most important one — he doesn’t get to hips and nips if he never leaves the church, and, if it’s not sexy, he’s not eating. Speaking of which…
Charlie and Dee Get Cricket Hooked on Coke
While losing his career in the clergy may have left Cricket homeless, prior to the Season Three episode “The Gang Gets Whacked (Part 2),” he still had some semblance of dignity, as shown by his insistence on wearing his ratty, torn priest’s robes while collecting coins on the street. However, once Charlie and Dee realized that they knew someone who had ample access to drug addicts and few other options, they were able to turn Cricket into a dealer for them in their quest to raise back the money they owed the mob.
Of course, Charlie and Dee didn’t just turn Cricket into a coke dealer — they turned him into a coke addict. But, hey, maybe the musical would have made more money than the dope trade if the mob hadn’t broken Cricket’s legs.
Frank Cuts Cricket’s Neck Open While He’s Dressed As A Terrorist
By Season Five, it had become clear that, no matter how badly the Gang treated Cricket and regardless of how much mental, physical, emotional and spiritual harm they visited upon him, the street rat was never going to wise up and run in the opposite direction any time he saw Mac, Charlie, Dennis, Frank or Dee — that is, unless they were playing manhunters at the time. As such, when the Gang hired Cricket to play a heel in a little combat show that they were putting on in “The Gang Wrestles for the Troops,” he gladly obliged.
To Cricket’s credit, he really did look like he was going to win the match up until the moment The Trashman smashed a disgusting, edged metal can into the side of his neck, thus starting the bodily deterioration that would severely worsen over many seasons to come.
Cricket Begs for Euthanasia While Working As A Dog Janitor
As all Catholics know well, suicide is no small sin, but self-requested execution is something of a loophole. In the Season Eight episode “Pop-Pop: The Final Solution,” Dennis and Dee visited Cricket at the dog pound where he worked by cleaning out shit-covered cages and occasionally losing an eye to a now-paralyzed chocolate lab. While the twins debated whether or not to end the life of their ailing, Nazi grandfather, Cricket gave them the opportunity to give euthanasia a test-drive — on himself.
Sadly for Cricket, Dee and Dennis declined.
The Gang Melts Cricket’s Face
Finally, the last physical and emotional transformation that killed what was left of Matthew Mara came during the Season Nine episode “The Gang Squashes Their Beefs,” when the Gang accidentally invited him to the non-apology feast, even though they couldn’t remember a single sin they had committed against their old classmate. Cricket, however, was just happy to get a meal on the house — but, as the Bible teaches us, there’s no such thing as a free lunch.
When the Gang locked all their adversaries in Dennis and Mac’s burning apartment, Cricket was the only one who couldn’t escape unharmed, and he suffered the burns that turned him into a living demon whom even a father’s love couldn’t save.