The 10 Wildest Pieces of Bart Simpson Merch to Come Out of Early ‘90s ‘Bartmania’
For the first three seasons of The Simpsons, before Homer became the funniest and most beloved member of the Simpsons family, that rascal Bart held the spotlight. During this time — the peak of “Bartmania” — Bart merch was raking in more money than Mr. Burns could even imagine.
There were Bart Simpson T-shirts, Bart Simpson action figures, Bart Simpson video games, Bart Simpson furniture, Bart Simpson Happy Meal toys and Bart Simpson cake tins. You name it, and from 1990 to 1992, Bart Simpson’s face was on it, likely accompanied by one of his trademark catchphrases at the time: namely, “Eat my shorts” or “Don’t have a cow, man.”
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Now, 35 years removed from the height of Bartmania merchandise, you can still find plenty of it on eBay and other corners of the internet. But how it stands the test of time is another story, as the items range from nostalgic to downright bizarre. Here are 10 that certainly should have gotten someone a bout of detention…
Several Terrible Nintendo Games
It’s totally normal that The Simpsons would make Bart Simpson video games during the show’s cultural zenith. Unfortunately, only Konami’s side-scrolling arcade game was any good. For consoles like Game Boy and Nintendo, we got terrible games with levels that solved puzzles and featured word games — exactly the kind of stuff Bart himself would find totally lame. They also featured side-scrolling levels, but they were so difficult that no kid could beat them. It was almost a rule that Simpsons games were always bad until The Simpsons: Hit & Run in 2003.
Bow Biters
“Bow Biters,” or “Sneaker Snappers,” were the epitome of junk in the early 1990s. They just snapped onto your already-tied shoes and did literally nothing.
Water Squirters
Water-squirter toys were common in the early 1990s, as they are today, but this one looks like they decapitated Bart and stuck his severed head on a musical instrument. Perhaps a French horn? Certainly not something Bart would play.
Talcum Powder
There were all kinds of Bart-themed bathroom accessories back in the day, too. You might expect Bart toothbrushes, but Bart-themed talcum powder takes things a bit too far. Perhaps this is why Bart was always mooning people? We had no idea we were just watching product placement to prevent diaper rash.
Mini-Butterfinger-Filled Plastic Banks
Bart Simpson is always welcome on a Butterfinger wrapper — he should still be on them today! — but this was a plastic bank filled with mini Butterfingers that you could use as a coin bank later. The concept is fine, but this thing is clearly a crappy design and the idea of putting coins into the head of a small child is strange. Also, was Bart a fiscal young chap with a savings account? No.
Rockin’ TV Chairs
Everything seems wrong about “Bart’s Rockin’ TV Chair.” The feet are too big, the plushy head looks like it’s detached from his body and the overall anatomy just doesn’t line up right. Not to mention, the seated person is supposed to be sitting in Bart’s lap, which looks quite uncomfortable (for the sitter and anyone else who happens to be in the room).
Phones
This Bart Simpson phone’s eyes would light up red when someone rang it. Can you imagine getting a call on this thing in the middle of the night? Total nightmare fuel.
“Cooties, Man!” Dolls
Bart dolls were the rage during Bartmania, but this one is definitely the oddest. Bart is covered in lipstick kisses that are so big they look like they’re from an adult. Yet his shirt and the doll’s packaging make it seem like the kisses are from his female classmates; the word bubbles say, “Cooties, Man!” and “Girl Germs!” What’s also strange is that, despite the fact that Bart’s quotes imply he didn’t want these massive kisses covering his head, he’s still a smiling, happy-looking doll. Please, whoever made this toy, explain.
Bootleg T-Shirts
The most notorious items to come out of Bartmania were the ubiquitous bootleg Bart shirts which, according to Neil Arsenty, the man behind “On This Day in Simpsons History,” even Simpsons creator Matt Groening loved. The shirts portrayed everything from Bart doing drugs, to Bart teaming up with other franchises like the Ninja Turtles, to Bart making jokes about the Gulf War. These things were so “of the era” that they sometimes go for hundreds of dollars on eBay today.
Bootleg T-Shirts with Black Bart
The bootleg Bart shirts were one thing, but then there were the bootleg shirts with a Black Bart, usually featuring a confusing mix of both offensive and empowering messages. If these came out today, you could bet that the millions of dudes who shit their pants over a Black mermaid would become catatonic. Although, back in the early 1990s, everyone seemed totally fine with what was essentially Bart in blackface, which might be worse.