5 Movies You Didn’t Know Have Unhinged Prequels
Everything has to be a franchise these days, which means handing out prequels and sequels to stories that 100 percent don’t need them. Given that these are unholy abominations that shouldn’t exist, they have to be spiced up to have any chance of appealing to audiences, often in ways that misfire entirely.
The Labyrinth
The Labyrinth raised a lot of questions re: how a human glam rock icon became the king of the goblins, and Labyrinth: Coronation fails to answer those questions over the course of 12 comic books. It reveals that Jareth was born in 18th-century Venice to a maid and a nobleman who sacrificed him to the preceding Goblin King. What follows is a fairly faithful play-by-play of the story in The Labyrinth, only with Jareth’s mother forced to solve it and losing on a technicality. That’s all well and good, but it ends deliberately ambiguously with Jareth immediately entering the labyrinth as an adult with no explanation, and it lends a real Oedipal overtone to the original story.
Marley & Me: The Puppy Years
Did you watch Marley & Me and think, “I wonder what the dog thinks about all this”? No? Because it wasn’t the lowest rated Look Who’s Talking sequel? That’s bad news for the producers of Marley & Me: The Puppy Years, which is narrated entirely by Marley. Yes, the dog. Mercifully, he didn’t have this ability during his heart-wrenching death, so it’s not clear where it came from. The story itself, concerning a dog contest (?) Marley is entered into by Owen Wilson’s character’s nephew, conveniently doesn’t require appearances by the original film’s stars and also necessarily has nothing to do with their story of familial bonding. But hey, it also features horrific animal abuse from Marley’s competitors’ evil owner. Family fun!
Romy and Michele: In the Beginning
It might actually be kind of fun to see how the title duo escaped Tucson to become the L.A. losers we meet at the beginning of Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion, but the answer Romy and Michele: In the Beginning provides is: they become sex workers. At least, they try to, inspired by their favorite movie, Pretty Woman. It doesn’t get less weird from there, including a kinda transphobic and definitely unnecessary subplot and clearly fortysomething Paula Abdul. We’re not in 1990 anymore, Toto.
Psycho IV: The Beginning
Like most horror movie villains, knowing Norman Bates’ history just makes him less scary. It can be safe to say he had an unusual relationship with his mother and leave it at that. Among the many superfluous Psycho sequels, however, was Psycho IV: The Beginning, which insistently depicts Norma Bates punishing her son for possession of a lingerie catalog by forcing him outside in his underwear in the rain and for popping a boner while they wrestle by putting makeup on him and locking him in a closet with only a pitcher to pee in like a girl. You can hardly blame him, either. Norma is played by Olivia Hussey, so despite her fundamentalist mania, she is super hot.
Aileen Wuornos: American Boogeywoman
Likewise, 2003’s Monster goes into just as much of serial killer Aileen Wuornos’s backstory as it needs to. It skips over her early days in Florida, when she was married to a wealthy, elderly local, which sounds intriguing, but it was over in a matter of weeks after she violenced herself out of that gravy train. The producers of Aileen Wuornos: American Boogeywoman thought it deserved its own movie, but only by inventing the circumstances surrounding it, casting her husband as the father of a new friend and giving the whole thing Poison Ivy vibes. It’s offensive to just about everyone involved, including Wuornos, so good job, guys. You made us feel bad for Aileen Wuornos. Do Bezos next.