John O’Hurley Still Remembers Cut ‘Seinfeld’ Monologue Word for Word

Boy oh boy, Seinfeld writers loved writing for J. Peterman, the semi-fictional catalogue mogul and boss to Elaine Benes — at least according to John O'Hurley. The reason, he explained on a recent episode of the Still Here Hollywood podcast, was that Peterman gave the scribes a chance to pen some hilariously lengthy monologues. 

The character’s speaking style was based on the florid prose found in the real J. Peterman catalog. O’Hurley, who played Peterman over 22 Seinfeld episodes, likened the catalog’s writing style to Ernest Hemingway meets a 1940s radio drama combined with “a bit of a bad Charles Kuralt.” It was a perfect chance for writers to let loose. But unfortunately, O’Hurley says, many of those monologues ended up on the cutting room floor. 

The show was disorganized and “always too long,” says O’Hurley, making wordy diatribes an easy cut when the show was running long. For example? O’Hurley pointed to an episode in which Rob “You can do it!” Schneider played his hard-of-hearing employee. A typical sitcom misunderstanding leads Peterman to believe Elaine and Schneider’s character are having an interoffice romance. Rather than disapprove, Peterman decides to play Cupid and gift the couple tickets to the circus. Elaine isn’t interested, but Peterman insists. And with remarkable memory, O’Hurley recited his cut monologue. 

“Elaine, don’t worry,” he began in Peterson’s sonorous tones. “I too am no stranger to love on the clock. As a young lad, my father apprenticed me to a honey factory in Belize. The chief beekeeper was this horrible hag of a woman, with gnarled teeth and a giant wart that she called a nose. Oh, she was not attractive even by backwoods standards, but love is truly blind, Elaine. And as the days went on, working closer and closer together, that sweet smell of honey in the air, I knew I had to have that horrible creature. And I did. So you and Bob have a good time tonight.”

Scrapped. Discarded. A funny bit abandoned in the service of more Kramer sliding through Jerry’s front door.

O’Hurley got plenty of other comedy chances in his 22 episodes, though it took him some time to find the rhythm of the show. In fact, he didn’t find Seinfeld scripts funny at first. “What took me a while to learn was that it wasn’t Golden Girls funny,” he said. “It wasn’t a show where your job was to set a joke up and deliver a punchline. Seinfeld was funny because everybody played their scenes like it was A Streetcar Named Desire. Everybody was so passionate, it was like Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolff, like Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor going at each other tooth and nail.”

“That’s what made the scene funny,” he said. “If you played it for the drama, it was funny.”