Joan Rivers’ 11 Spiciest Celebrity Burns
“I hate everyone, starting with me.”
Hating the world wasn’t only an attitude for Joan Rivers — it was the subject of a 2012 book in which she filled 260 pages with comic vitriol. Some of her disdain was broad — “I hate children,” “I hate old people” and “I hate waiters who introduce themselves,” for example. But she saved plenty of venom for the celebrities who got under her skin. Here are 11 celebrities who got smacked around by Joan Rivers in I Hate Everyone… Starting with Me.
Tom Cruise
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“No 5-foot-8 man, not even one who lives on a diet of Ritalin and gin, is happy like that all the time. He’s always got this shit-eating grin on his face, like he just got a note from his managers telling him that Mimi Rogers and Nicole Kidman are extending their confidentiality agreements.”
Goldie Hawn
“Goldie Hawn came up to a friend of mine one day and said, ‘Can you believe I’m a grandmother?’ The answer is: Yes! You’re 66 fucking years old; you could be a great-grandmother. Laugh-In was 50 years ago. Move on.”
Christian Bale
“I hate Christian Bale. This is nothing personal. I hate all men named Christian.”
Deepak Chopra
“He’s written the same fucking book 35 times, and these dopes who buy them still can’t find their inner serenity. Want some peace and quiet? Save your money on Deepak’s books and slip your kids a couple of Xanax and put them in the closet.”
Mickey Rooney
“The young Mickey Rooney was very unsettling. For starters, he went from being a child star to an adult star without growing an inch or gaining a pound. He stayed the same exact size his entire life. I hate that. Think of the money he’s saved on sweaters alone.”
Macauley Culkin
“Macauley’s not much more than 30, and already he’s been married, divorced, had a house fire and made three comebacks. I have one word for this: neeeeedy.”
The Olsen Twins
“Those two girls have not a shred of talent or a brain cell between them, and yet, they’ve become billionaires. I love them. I respect them. I envy them. I especially like the one with the eating disorder.”
Betty White
“It’s high time someone pushed that bitch in front of a train because I’m sick and tired of losing the ‘sassy grandma’ roles to her. Betty White is 90 million years old. Her first resume is on a cave wall in France.”
Paul McCartney
“Paul was the ‘cute’ Beatle, but in all honesty, that wasn’t really much of a horse race, was it? Compared to John, George and Ringo, I could be the cutest Beatle, and I can’t sing, dance or play an instrument.”
Jennifer Aniston
“She keeps making the same romantic ‘comedy’ over and over and over again, and it’s always not funny, not funny, not funny.”
Woody Allen and Soon-Yi
“What I think about is before Woody proposed to Soon-Yi, did he ask himself for her hand in marriage?”