4 RFK Jr. Stories That Sound Straight Out of a Salvia Trip
Stories told on the campaign trail are, usually, almost painfully uneventful. Tales that wouldn’t fly for entertainment anywhere else except maybe at the start of a Jeopardy! episode. They’re often about a minute too long and about their dad teaching them the value of a hard day’s work. Yawn city. RFK Jr., instead, turned out to be an unsettling, strange matryoshka doll, with each layer being an event that would cause a serious moment of reflection for anyone else.
Here are four of the weirdest things that have occurred in his life, in case you forgot…
He Dumped A Dead Bear in Central Park
Shutterstock
For most people, watching the car in front of you hit a bear cub would be a horrible memory. You’d maybe check if the driver was okay, and likely avoid looking at what was probably a dead baby bear. Or crank up the Spotify to try to purge the image from your brain. If you’re RFK Jr., what you apparently do is stop your car, retrieve the carcass of a dead child bear and put it in your car.
The word “in” and not “on” there is a small, but upsetting detail I want to make sure is absorbed.
As for the reason? Well, to skin it and then freeze the meat for later consumption. City boy though I may be, I understand that people do enjoy wild game, and I’ve seen a bearskin rug in my time. The fact that it was a bear cub, however, takes it beyond the pale. I eat plenty of chicken, but if someone was sauteeing up a pan of chicks? In my opinion, that's fucked. “Bear veal” isn’t a meat you should know the flavor of.
Luckily for listeners, he never got it home, because he was late for a dinner reservation. So he dumped it in Central Park, a park which, notably, you cannot enter without parking your car and walking.
He Beheaded A Whale With A Chainsaw
Shutterstock
Speaking of nature’s majesty, RFK Jr.’s absolutely inexplicable interactions with great creatures of this earth don’t stop there. Another animal’s remains which he saw fit to desecrate: the regal whale. An animal that most people will see a single-digit amount of times in their life, and pay handsomely for the privilege.
I’ll admit, if I was told there was a beached whale nearby, I’d probably head over for a gander. Where I and RFK Jr. differ is that I wouldn’t bring a chainsaw with the express intent of severing its head from its body in a spray of blubber and bone. He did, and then strapped it to the top of his minivan, I assume because there was some other exotic creature’s remains clogging up the trunk.
Whether this was the same van that would later carry a late baby bear, I’m not sure. I do have a strong hunch about any of RFK Jr.’s vans, though, which is that it definitely smells crazy in there.
A Worm Ate His Brain and Then Died
Shutterstock
I think that RFK Jr.’s weirdness has made him intensely confident in his own abilities at public speaking. Enough that he didn’t hire a PR team. An assumption I’m making based on the fact that no one told him not to tell the voting public that a worm ate part of his brain and then died in there. He said this as if it was a story about him falling off his bike and busting his collarbone.
Maybe in his world, brain-worms are simply a cost of doing business. As if you can’t get through a standard human life without at least one worm getting up there and eating a hole in your thinking apple. For me and most people, I had no idea this was something that happened. It sounds like something that would happen in Men in Black, requiring Will Smith to yank it out of Tommy Lee Jones’ nasal passage with tweezers.
The worm is still up there, by the way, like some sort of long, slimy bullet from ‘Nam that twinges when the atmospheric pressure drops.
He Ran A Contest to Join Him for An Afternoon of Falconry
Shutterstock
All the above are things that feel like they’re clawing at the fabric of reality, but at least none of them were done in service of his campaign. They were just stories that apparently crop up when you’re living a cursed life akin to the main character in a Russian novel. However, his interesting judgment came through even in actual outreach attempts. Particularly when he ran a contest in which the winner would enjoy an afternoon of falconry with RFK Jr himself.
This isn’t a reward in the year 2024, this is the activity a traitorous duke in the Middle Ages engineers in order to murder the king. Either way, I’m not interested in an afternoon of falconry with RFK Jr. because I have a strong feeling it’s going to end up with us transporting a dead falcon’s head across state borders.
Anyways, this is the guy in charge of all our medicine now. Can’t wait to get handed a prescription for powdered raccoon’s baculum.