Martha Stewart’s ‘Bastard’ Parole Officer Wouldn’t Let Her Host ‘SNL’

Martha Stewart has obviously had a very successful career, changing the way we view both the lifestyle industry and the Comedy Central roast industry. 

But despite all of her accomplishments and undeniable cultural contributions, the 83-year-old star has never once hosted Saturday Night Live. But that doesn’t mean that she hasn’t been invited to host. As Stewart recently told Jimmy Fallon, Lorne Michaels asked her to host the show decades ago, but unfortunately, she was legally prevented from doing so.

“I wanted to, and they asked me as I was coming out of Alderson — that camp that I was in for a while,” Stewart explained. Of course, the “camp” in question was a federal prison camp, where Stewart served a five-month sentence beginning in late 2004. “My parole officer wouldn’t give me the time to do it,” Stewart recalled. “I was allowed to be out of my house eight hours a day,” she argued. 

“The parole officer said no?” Fallon asked. 

“No. That bastard,” Stewart replied, adding, somewhat ominously, that she still has the parole officer’s “name and his number.”

Stewart has previously claimed that not hosting SNL is her “only big regret” in life, which is a surprising thing to hear from someone who literally did time for insider trading. While she remains “pissed” about the missed opportunity to this day, obviously it’s not too late. “Maybe someday,” she mused to Fallon, suggesting that it may be time to “start a campaign.” Hey, it worked for Betty White.

Although Stewart has never personally appeared on SNL, her presence has certainly been felt. As Fallon pointed out she’s “one of the most impersonated characters on Saturday Night Live.” So many SNL performers have played Martha Stewart over the years, from Janeane Garofalo, to Amy Poehler, to Ana Gasteyer, who famously starred in “Martha Stewart’s Home for the Holidays: Topless Christmas Special.”

But Stewart noted that her favorite SNL impersonator of all was none other than David Spade. Why? Because of his wardrobe — Spade’s sketch found him wearing the same stylish poncho that she was photographed in while leaving prison in 2005. 

Presumably, Stewart has less affection for the way she was portrayed on Mad TV.

Since SNL will no doubt continue for years to come under the watchful eye of Lone Michaels — and, one day, the watchful eye of Michaels’ embalmed corpse — why not invite Stewart to host? Barring any unforeseen convictions, she'd almost certainly be up for it.