Old-Timey Ads Were Obsessed With This One Gross Thing

9 ‘Don’t Let Daddy Lick Me Again!’

The tagline of this 1939 ad might alarm you until you realize that “lick” here merely refers to the father beating the child. Wait, hold on. That’s still a cause for some alarm.

Beating your child for not pooping regularly sounds like abuse today, as does beating him for resisting the medicine to make him poop. But it was considered routine back then — or at least plausible enough to scare mothers into buying a clove-flavored laxative junior would gladly swallow. 

This prompts an inevitable joke: The dad in this ad was literally beating the shit of the son. In fact, the practice of spanking constipated children was the origin of the phrase “beat the shit out of.” (Don’t look up that last fact. If you do, you’ll see it’s untrue.)

8 Men Won’t Date You If They Notice You Aren’t Pooping

You might hear a high-fiber cereal advertised today as keeping you regular. This 1936 ad for Kellogg’s All-Bran speaks more directly about the dangers of constipation. Not only does constipation make your shits painful, but it gives you pimples and saps your energy. The result is that men won’t want to date you. 

“All-Bran makes no claim to be a ‘cure-all,’” this ad modestly admits. But it will cure your fatigue, your skin and your personality. The boys will soon be ringing you up, eager to take out the gal who has dependable bowel movements. 

7 ‘Guess What’s in My Mouth? Pull My Hair and See!’

Here’s another tagline that sounds a bit disturbing for a children’s product. This needs some explanation. 

This advertisement from 1910 came in the form of a layered insert. When you pulled on the top, it drew one section out, and the contents of the child’s mouth became visible. Why, it’s a laxative tablet! You’d never have guessed that (unless you read the giant text, which said, “Laxative Tablets”).

That might seem needlessly elaborate, but folding out magazine inserts was the closest thing they had to video games back then. 

6 Keep Happy With Analax!

You’ll be halfway through reading this ad before you realize the man isn’t grabbing the woman’s butt and offering to put something of his inside it but is instead offering a way to take something out from it. 

Honestly, it’s a little bit of a shame that you can’t get away with naming a product Analax today, when they had no problem with it in 1921. Everyone should speak openly about their anuses. Because nothing acts like Analax. 

5 Some Laxatives Are Too Strong

If your husband takes a laxative that’s too strong, he will make a painful grimace as his colon purges itself. If he takes a laxative that’s too mild, he will stare skeptically at the bottle because he suspects it won’t do shit. This will leave you anxious every time he takes a laxative, which will probably be every day, this being the year 1944. 

The solution is Ex-Lax, of course, the happy middle laxative. In each of the above illustrations, the husband is seated and seemingly pantsless so we can properly understand what he’s going through (or what’s not going through). This makes for some captivating imagery, but we’re perhaps most intrigued by a claim made in the fine print: Ex-Lax cures the common cold. 

4 Look at How Hot This Woman Is, Who Shits Every Day

Not only will laxatives improve your internal health — they will make you charming and give your body a pleasing shape. In the 1940s, credulous customers believed that if they were getting fat, perhaps accumulated feces were to blame.

“Bile beans” thankfully didn’t contain actual bile, which is a tremendously bitter fluid produced by the liver. Instead, they were made from aloin, which is a tremendously bitter oil produced by plants. In 2002, the FDA declared that aloin is no longer considered generally safe, which is just one reason you shouldn’t be popping bile beans with each meal today. 

3 Everyone Loves Laxettes!

The occasional constipated kid still needs laxatives. That Castoria product we listed above still exists, as does the following product, Laxettes. But in 1952, it was so universal that you could expect every kid to pop them, and for kids to compare notes.

These models, who clearly never consume the product they’re holding during the shoot, do an admirable job with their wide smiles. But if these 1950s parents just gave kids carrots to munch on, the tablets wouldn’t be an everyday necessity. 

2 Don’t Be a Bitch. Take Laxatives

Here’s another ad pushing the idea that laxatives will fix your personality and improve your prospects with men. The reason for this is that backed-up waste causes poisons to fester in you. 

In the 1940s, “wildcat” was one more word for someone who’s mean, irritable and full of shit. The ad therefore feels especially incomprehensible today, because two men gossiping about a woman being a wildcat sounds like they’re calling her sexually aggressive in a good way. 

1 With Laxatives, Your Husband Will Not Murder You at Breakfast

That’s a strong pitch, not gonna lie. 

Or, they’re saying constipation will murder the love between you and your husband and cause him to leave you. We assume at least half of all divorces in 1928 happened for digestive reasons.

Be thankful that constipation, while still a thing today, no longer remains as much of an issue. Because today, we have better access to fresh produce. Because today, even office workers find it convenient to exercise routinely. And because today, we don’t keep eating laxatives.

Oh, you read that last sentence right, and we didn’t get the causation wrong on that one. One big reason people used to be so constipated was they took so many laxatives. Laxatives are addictive, and if you take them regularly without needing to, your intestinal muscles will waste away, and your nerves down there will die. Laxatives, when overused, cause constipation. 

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