How to Build a Scientifically Perfect Snowman

As the temperature outside drops and Jack Frost starts nipping jerkily at your nose, you may find yourself tempted to revisit the third-best song from Frozen and build yourself a little snowman. Well, stop it. You don’t know what you’re doing. Sure, you may have built a snowperson or two before, but your stupid baby hands were flying blind. Fortunately, science has studied this extensively for some reason, and now we can all learn how to build a perfect snowman.

First, you have to decide where to put your snowman. You might be thinking, “Um, my front yard?” but unless you’ve got sufficient shade, your snowman is going to be a lifeless puddle before you can say, “Who the hell is Parson Brown?” You also want to avoid asphalt, as it absorbs heat. Opinions are split on hills — some say they provide ideal shade, others say the risk of destruction at the unwitting hands of winter sports enthusiasts is too great. Probably just stick him in a flat, woodsy area.

Next, make sure you’ve got the right kind of snow. You want between 3 and 8 percent moisture — any more or less, and your snowman will fall apart before he’s even emerged from your snowballs. That means waiting patiently for the snow to fall just a degree or two above freezing, when it’s technically too warm to be snowing, because every snowman is a little miracle even if it doesn’t sing and dance. It’s gotta be fresh, too. Even the best-intentioned snow gets slushy and gross after a few days.

Now, make sure you have enough snow. To build a regulation snowman, you need 19 cubic feet of snow. That’s enough to roll three balls, at diameters of 11.8 inches, 19.6 inches and 31.4 inches, respectively, for a height of exactly five feet, three inches. Oh, did you think this wasn’t going to get that exact? You don’t fuck with decimal points? Then get out. Make sure he’s got a foundation at least two inches deep, too.

All that’s left is the finishing touches, but you cannot slop out on us now. Carve out some legs for your snowman and shove some branches in his sides, and don’t even think about not hanging some gloves from the ends of those branches. He needs a scarf and a hat, too, enchantment optional. Next, you need three buttons for the snowman’s chest, equal distances apart; a 1.6-inch carrot nose; and eyes no more than 1.9 inches apart. God help you if they are more than 1.9 inches apart.

If you couldn’t get your hands on an enchanted hat, you may have to live with a boring, stationery snowman, but you could also give the old-fashioned way a try. Life force has historically been transferred via some kind of sacrifice, and you have a lot of ants in your yard. 

We’re just saying.