New York Wants to Copy ‘The Simpsons’ and Give CEOs the Stonecutters’ Secret Emergency Line

Who lives in fear of assassins? Who withholds your insulin? They do! They do!

After a masked, hooded gunman shot down UnitedHealthcare CEO and alleged financial criminal Brian Thompson in the middle of Midtown Manhattan on the morning of December 4th, the public servants of New York sprung into action to protect their most precious and vulnerable community of obscenely rich CEOs. Within days, NYPD had identified a suspect, 26-year-old Luigi Mangioni, and, yesterday, CNN reported that New York Governor Kathy Hochul held a “safety summit” where the state’s top lawmakers considered setting up a special, taxpayer-funded hotline for exclusive use by CEOs who feel they may be in danger from their customers.

Let me guess — 912?

Of course, if Hochul really is a part of the Ancient Mystic Society of No Homers (previously known as The Stonecutters), it seems like poor form for her to allow the public to learn about the “secret” elites-only emergency hotline. Clearly, the governor needs a Carl-type figure to tell her to “shut up” when she decides to install a new CEO-only shortcut alternative to the Lincoln Tunnel, or at least have a Homer around to zip her lid when she rolls out funding cuts to public schools in order to pay for executive roller skates.

I guess standards have fallen in the secret society that was once The Stonecutters if all of us non-members now know that “911” ain’t good enough for the elite. But, hey, now that all the real-life Oscar-riggers live in fear of the day when the rubes whom they ripped off to make their fortunes might come after them, us rubes have a real chance at joining the ranks of the elite ourselves, as the only way to become a Stonecutter if you’re not the son of a Stonecutters is to save the life of a member.

If the secret CEO hotline ever finds itself in need of life-saving phone operators, Hochul should give me a call. I have some medical debt that I need to pay off.