The Best Jokes from Nikki Glaser’s Latest Roast Fest
Poor Nikki Glaser — they made her get up at the crack of dawn to zing the Hollywood patriarchy at the Women in Entertainment Gala 2024. Despite the early hour, Glaser got up in front of the most powerful ladies in show business and spewed all of the profanities we’ve come to expect.
Here are 10 of her harshest, most hilarious jokes…
What Number Am I?
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“When I was told I had been chosen as one of the Power 100 Women in Hollywood, I was so incredibly honored. And then I said, ‘Which number am I?’ And they said it doesn’t work that way; you’re all equal. And I said, ‘Okay, if that’s the case, then can I sit at Nicole Kidman’s table?’ And that’s when the correspondence ended.”
The Most Important Meal of the Day
“What the fuck is this? A breakfast gala for women in Hollywood? We don't even eat that meal.”
What an Honor
“What better time to honor women than at 8 a.m. before the industry is even awake in that coveted post-Thanksgiving, pre-Christmas Hollywood dead zone? We are women in Hollywood, hear us roar. But not too loudly because the hotel has a quiet policy enforced until 9 a.m.”
Making a Sheen
“What am I supposed to do the rest of the day, looking like this? I have fake eyelashes, fake hair, overlined lips. I can’t go to Ralph’s looking like this. Usually, women who look this done up at 7 a.m. aren’t entering the Beverly Hills Hotel. They’re leaving with a wad of cash and a fun story about Charlie Sheen.”
Life’s a Bleach
“It's hard to write a speech on the same day you have to get a spray tan, do a fitting, get your nails done and bleach your asshole.”
Becoming the Penguin
“Colin Farrell is so dedicated to his craft that he spends three hours in the makeup chair to transform into the Penguin. That’s how long it takes me every day to make sure I don’t look like a penguin or any other flightless bird that some Redditor may compare me to and ruin my week.”
Freshen Up That Lipstick
“I've been famous for five minutes. If I started showing up places without makeup, my agents would place me under conservatorship controlled by Jamie Spears.”
Avengers Assemble
“The most powerful women in Hollywood are assembled here together in the same room. We’re like the Avengers of people who haven’t seen The Avengers.”
The Two Keys to Success
“The thing I found that has helped me in this business more than anything is sleeping with powerful men. I’m kidding, it’s Adderall.”
Sisterhood
“We’re better when we support one another. Especially when that girl that you supported could one day cast you as her wacky aunt in her hit TV show after your career derailed because of your botched eye job.”