The Filthiest Christmas Songs Ever
You might not think Christmas is a very sexy holiday, and you’d be right. With its focus on kids, charity and Jesus, only the most determined perverts could find anything genital-tingling about it. Fortunately, some of them write songs, resulting in some truly unhinged odes to yuletide play.
‘Mistress for Christmas’ by AC/DC
“Mistress for Christmas” is filthy even by AC/DC standards, and that’s really saying something. It begins, “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the day / I just can’t wait ‘til Christmas time to grope you in the hay,” and doesn’t get better from there. It mostly consists of their Christmas list, which mostly consists of a lady, revealed at the end to specifically be “the woman in red.” They really think Santa is gonna lend out his own personal ho-ho-ho.
‘Merry Muthafuckin’ Xmas’ by Eazy-E
Listen, nobody was expecting wholesomeness from Eazy-E, and he delivered on those lack of expectations. This tale of “Christmas in Compton” also riffs on “Jingle Bells,” as Eazy ponders how much fun it is “to know that I’m gonna get this pussy tonight” and “to watch her suck my dick this way.” There’s also something about “a condom in a tree” and “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Rein-Dick.” It’s a lot, man.
‘Back Door Santa’ by Clarence Carter
Because the ‘60s were a more innocent time, “Back Door Santa” is actually not as filthy as you probably think, but it ain’t clean, either. It’s about screwing married ladies — ahem, “making all the little girls happy” when he gives them “all the presents” — and then slipping out the back before their husbands get home in the morning. It’s not clear why they’re coming home in the morning. Apparently, Santa only seduces night shift wives.
‘Santa Claus Wants Some Lovin’’ by Albert King
Mid-century soul singers were really into being sexy Santas, though King isn’t as interested in the sweet talking. He explains that he’s gone all through the bustling holiday season without any lovin’, and now that he’s bought the toys and the turkey, “Santa Claus” expects his likewise bedraggled wife, who he even describes as exhausted from cooking all day, to put out. You could say that kind of thing to a woman in 1974.
‘Dick in a Box’ by the Lonely Island
Did you forget that “Dick in a Box” is a Christmas song? Everyone does, but that’s the whole reason the dicks were in boxes, folks. Still, maybe leave this one off the holiday party playlist. If nothing else, you don’t want to spoil the surprise.