Your Favorite Comedian, According to Your Astrological Sign

Aries

Aries people, with their quick wits and competitive nature, “are drawn to comedians who bring the heat,” says TOI. That means Dave Chappelle is Aries’ favorite comic, thanks to his provocative takes and unapologetic subject material.  

Taurus

Give a Taurus a comic with a laid-back, relaxed vibe that still has some substance — in other words, how about John Mulaney? “Mulaney’s balance of quirky and familiar will resonate deeply with the steady Taurus.”

Gemini

Geminis are quick thinkers who can navigate difficult topics, explains TOI, making Ali Wong a likely fit. Wong’s “ability to jump between personal and societal observations matches Gemini’s multifaceted personality.”

Cancer

This one is a head scratcher — if a Cancer really loves humor that connects on an emotional level, is Ellen DeGeneres really the right choice? In her heyday, DeGeneres had a bemused, observational style that, while funny, wasn’t exactly teeming with passion or feeling. These days, the only emotion her jokes are delivering is self-pity.

Leo

Center-of-attention Leos like flamboyance, so the suggested comic is Trevor Wallace, thanks to his “energetic and larger-than-life presence.”  

Virgo

Virgos like precision and attention to detail, which somehow made an astrologer decide Ricky Gervais, with his “sharp observations and clever jabs,” would be the perfect albeit insufferable choice.

And this is where Times of India drops the ball! Their resident astrologer only provided comedian choices for half of the zodiac, leaving me to fill in the rest. No worries — I’m up to the task. 

Libra

Libras love a big social circle, so instead of an individual comedian, let’s go with the group dynamics of the resurgent Lonely Island. Since Libras have an open mind, they won’t be offended by songs like “Dick in a Box” and “Jizz in My Pants.”

Scorpio

Scorpios have a sharp edge, so the acerbic Anthony Jeselnik might be the guy to tickle their funny bones. Jeselnik and Scorpios could get together and roast Tony Hinchcliffe.

Sagittarius

People born under the Sagittarius sign have a taste for adventure and the unknown, so gather them up and take them to a Sarah Sherman show. Let’s see how brave they are once Sherman shows a few of her body-horror videos. 

Capricorn

Snooty Capricorns are perfectionists with high standards, so they pair nicely with Bill Maher, a comedian who also believes he’s always right. 

Aquarius

Introverted Aquariuses (Aquari?) likes smart comedy that isn’t overly showy. So let’s put on a little bit of Mitch Hedberg for a mellow, clever high. 

Pisces

Gentle empathy is a Pisces trademark, so the emotionally intelligent musings of Maria Bamford should appeal to all the fish signs out there.