What Would Ongo Gablogian Say About These Ugly ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’ Funko Pop Trading Cards?

I’m sure Ongo Gablogian wouldn’t be charmed by the latest merchandising cash-in from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia — it's not particularly “subtle.”

It’s a testament to the integrity of both FX and Rob McElhenney that, compared to other comedy shows that have lasted multiple decades like The Simpsons, there isn’t the usual deluge of dirt-quality desk toys, shower radios and talcum powders coming out of the It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia official online store every year around the holidays. Thankfully, DickTowel.com is still up and running for anyone who wants to support Paddy’s Pub’s in-universe novelty products, but besides the typical fare of T-shirts and throw pillows, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia hasn’t gone too garish with its merch — until now.

On December 3rd, the branded plastic giant Funko will release a set of collectible, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia-themed digital trading cards, including one that shows a certain eccentric art collector as a soulless fake-NFT avatar. “Derivative” and “bullshit” might be far too gentle descriptors for whatever the fuck this is supposed to be.

Look, I know that, despite their negative reputation in some online circles for making soulless cash-in junk plastic that appeal exclusively to man-children who define their personalities by the entertainment franchises they follow, Funko isn’t trying to make the merch equivalent of huffing gas on the floor of a bar. But, seriously, how are we supposed to look at these “digital trading cards” that make Charlie look like the cracked-out, forgotten fifth member of Creed without losing brain cells by the billions?

Then there’s the fact that Funko has Mac in his famous duster looking like they repurposed some shitty Matrix-themed not-NFT by slapping on an ugly, not-even-remotely-what-his-facial-hair-looked-like-in-that-scene cheeseburger grease goatee that would have made a little more sense if McElhenney was in his “Fat Mac” phase when “The Gang Solves the North Korea Situation” first aired. 

But, ultimately, my biggest problem with It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia’s newest and most mind-numbing merch release is that they’re not even selling physical ugly Funko Pops for fans to put on a bookshelf to collect dust for the next 15 years. Instead, Funko and FX are just selling GIFs of ugly Funko Pops that look nothing like the Always Sunny characters we know and love. They might as well just cut to the chase and have us all start playing Techpocalypse — that would at least be a classy affair.