Bruce Springsteen’s Best Sex Jokes From the ‘Stand Up for Heroes’ Fundraiser

Why should stand-up comedians get to tell all the stripper jokes? Yesterday marked the 18th Stand Up For Heroes event, featuring comics like Jon Stewart, Jim Gaffigan and Jerry Seinfeld. A few musicians were on hand to raise money for veterans as well, allowing Bruce Springsteen to channel his inner Bob Saget with select dirty jokes between songs. 

Here’s sex joke #1, courtesy of the Boss (and TikTok channel @songsbybruce): “Guy and his girl go to see the doctor, and the doctor says, ‘Congratulations, she’s pregnant.’ Guy gets a moment alone with the doctor. He says, ‘Doctor, that’s impossible. I am religious about practicing safe sex. I always use protection, never had a rip or a tear,’ you know.  

“Doc says, ‘Son, let me tell you a story. There’s a hunter. The hunter carries his gun everywhere he goes. One day, he gets up and decides to take his umbrella instead of his gun. On that particular day, a lion leaps out of the bush and stands right in front of him. By instinct, he raises the umbrella. It goes, ‘Bang!’ Lion falls over dead.’

“Guy says, ‘Doc, that’s impossible. Some other guy must have shot the lion.'”

And after thunderous applause, Springsteen launched into an earnest version of The Power of Prayer.  What, not raunchy enough for you? Did you hear the one about the wife who took her husband Dave to a strip club for his birthday? 

So they go up to the front door and the bouncer says, “Dave! How you doing?”

The wife says, “Honey, how does he know your name?”

“Oh, he’s in my bowling league. Every Tuesday.”

They go in the club, sit down. Waitress comes up and plops a Budweiser down in front of him. She goes, “Would you like your usual, Dave?”

And his wife goes, “Honey, how does that woman know what you drink? And your name?”

“Oh, she’s in the Ladies’ Auxiliary. Ladies’ Auxiliary is in the bowling league. We have lanes next to each other.”

Finally, the strippers come out. And a stripper comes down, sits on his lap, and says, “Dave, you want your table dance?” 

That’s it. The wife, she’s had enough. She is outside. She is in the taxi. Dave is running his ass after her. He gets in the taxi. She is giving him everything in the book. She is holding nothing back!

The taxi driver turns around and says, “Dave, that’s some bitch you picked up tonight!”

Top that, Seinfeld.