Tom Hanks Jokingly Attacks ‘Those C***suckers Who Write About Movies’

Pop-culture critics are the worst, according to chronic nice guy Tom Hanks. He loves so many aspects of making movies, he said on the Conan O’Brien Need A Friend podcast. “Then the critics weigh in.”

Listening to all the opinions is part of the job, but that doesn’t mean Hanks has to like it. “That’s always ‘Up, down, we hate it, we like it. This is the worst thing.’ ‘Oh hey, Tom, I saw you in a movie.’ ‘Oh did you?’ ‘It was cute.’ That’s when you ask the wife, ‘Hey, honey, could you take the revolver out of the glove box and hide it somewhere, because I think…’”

After the critics weigh in, the creative people have to deal with the box office news. Is it a blockbuster? Is it a disaster? In some ways, that depends on the flick’s budget — a movie that makes $75 million is a smash if it was made for $20 million and a huge bomb if it cost $150 million. 

In the end, however, “a ton of time goes by when none of that stuff matters anymore,” Hanks said. “The movie just exists exactly as it is outside of loser/winner status, thumbs up, thumbs down. And that’s when this stuff comes around, where it’s like this thing that didn’t work back then kind of does work now, or just the opposite, a thing that was huge back then is a museum piece and doesn’t really speak to anyone.”

Time is now an important metric in what movies matter. Case in point: Hanks’ 1996 directorial debut, That Thing You Do. (He wrote the dang thing too.)

Conan’s mention of the film's continued popularity lit a fuse under Hanks: “Let me tell you something about these cocksuckers who write about movies. Can I say that?”

“My father writes about movies!” shouted Conan in mock outrage. “And his name is Cocksucker!”

Hanks was chuckling when he dropped the c-suckers, but it’s not difficult to understand why critics are so aggravating. “Somebody who wrote about it said, ‘Tom Hanks has to stop hanging around with veterans of TV because this is just like it’s shot on TV and it’s not much of anything,’” explained Hanks. 

Okay, fine. That’s their opinion. But later, “That same person then wrote about the ‘cult classic’ That Thing You Do!. Same exact person.” There’s Hanks’ time metric. “All you need is 20 years,” he said, and then your movie can speak to people. 

Despite the sarcastic profanities, Hanks claimed he has no hard feelings. “That’s the thing we all signed up for,” he said. “That’s the carnival, that’s the contest. I got faith in that. That’s okay.”