This Is the Horniest Pasta Shape

Pasta is a pretty horny food to begin with. At least in terms of the vibe, not so much how you feel after eating it. They never show the part of Lady and the Tramp where they both get stomach distension from eating an entire human plate of spaghetti. Pasta also gets a boon from the fact that all the shapes are named in the Italian language, an inherently sensual tongue. I love Korean food, but it’s harder to make tteokbokki roll off the tongue the same way.

However, there’s one pasta shape that’s unconscionably, almost disgustingly horny. Not just from the shape itself, but from the lore behind it. I’m talking about tortellini, a pasta that, even in a vacuum, has got some serious bedroom eyes. After all, it’s small, curvy and filled with a rich and mysterious prize. That, however, is only the half of it.

Unfortunately, there’s a backstory and legend behind the tortellini shape that crosses over into “hey man, you’ve gotta leave” territory. Namely, it’s supposed to be the belly button of Venus, the goddess of love. I’m all for worshipping beauty, but “I would eat your belly button” is some extreme, oft-banned Instagram commenter levels of thirstiness. It would be like learning spaghetti was meant to simulate sucking red sauce out of a sleeping Venus’ hair. Nobody would be eating orecchiette if instead of “ear,” it was supposed to be a bowl of beautiful divine nipples.

The more you think about it, the worse it gets, given that one of the most common fillings for tortellini is cheese. Great, now you’ve got me eating a bowl of cheesy belly buttons like some sort of Giovanni Dahmer.

I guess I’m a ravioli man now, which is unfortunate, because you only ever get like seven of those suckers, and you can’t ask for more without seeming like you also want a bib.