5 Things We Should By No Means Be Teaching Animals
I understand the fascination with animal intelligence. Animals are all around, and we want to know exactly how much is going on in those little melons of theirs. There’s also the aspect of social media fame, where teaching something adorable to do something vaguely human is a guaranteed Instagram smash. At the same time, I have to wonder: Are we to be the architects of our own demise?
Here are five things we should stop teaching animals immediately…
To Open Doors
Look, it’s very cute, I get it. I just have to ask: What good comes of this? As soon as you teach an animal to open a door, you’ve squandered a valuable tool and barrier. Unless you’ve shattered your hip behind a closed door, this feels like an irreversible step you should consider closely. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never thought about animals and gone, “Man, I wish I just sometimes had no idea where they were.” When your dog gets rabies and you are left no quarter, we’ll see who thinks this is just a fun trick.
To Pick Locks
Christ, if some of these people had been in charge of humankind’s security way back when, we’d all be sabertooth tiger food. Congratulations on teaching a bird to pick basic locks, what an achievement! I hope you enjoy spending the rest of your life searching for a cage that can hold them. It’s especially insane to do this with a bird, possibly one of the most escape-ready animals you can own. Dogs you can chase, even if they’re fast. Birds just have to climb to an altitude of maybe seven to eight feet, and it’s back to BirdFinder.com for you.
To Do Chores
Part of having a dog is being able to look at it and project yourself into its blissful existence of limited knowledge and responsibility. All of which is undone when you teach it how to do chores. Gathering and hanging laundry? This is a shackle of the human condition, a tithe paid to God for the blessing and curse of consciousness. Why drag your dog down with you into the mire of daily survival in a modern civilization? Let them have the singular focus and job they were born for: doing their best to not shit in the house. If they somehow achieve advanced thought, the ones that had to do chores are going to be like, “What the fuck?”
To Serve and Protect
This is supposed to be a heartwarming video, and on the surface, sure, I’m very happy for this dog and his retirement. The problem is, you did that in the first place! Pretty much every other dog is retired from day one. Pretty much everything from the previous entry applies here too, but double. You took man’s best friend and made him a narc. Turning a happy little puppy into a weapon of the state is like when they melt down the tools of farmers to smith weapons. It should be a regrettable necessity in times of extreme strife only.
Chimps: Anything
What the hell are we doing here? C’mon man. Let’s not smudge the thinnest line of all. You shouldn’t be able to teach a chimpanzee new things without the country voting on it. Knowledge needs to be carefully controlled, and held from other beings with opposable thumbs. First you teach a bonobo to fire a Super Soaker, next thing you know he’s pointing an AK at you, howling and gesturing toward your cage.