John Mulaney Wrote a Joke That Was Too Mean for Martin Short to Use on Steve Martin
Martin Short and Steve Martin have been attached at the hip for decades now, touring the country with an act that consists mainly of the two roasting one another. Short, for his part, attacks Martin’s extreme Caucasian-ness, his aloof persona and his popularity that peaked in the 1970s. But Short told The Hollywood Reporter that fellow comic John Mulaney once wrote him a joke that he couldn’t bring himself to use.
“There was a joke John Mulaney wrote for Steve’s AFI (Life Achievement Award),” Short remembered. The gag: “I’ve been through rough times, but Steve’s always been there for me with a weird, cold hand on my shoulder as he tries to mimic human emotion.”
It’s hard to argue with Short — that’s pretty cold-blooded. But when he shared it with his wild and crazy pal after the fact, Martin’s reaction was: “Why didn’t you do that?”
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Short said he and Martin have never hurt one another, despite all the insults they’ve traded. “It’s never happened,” he explained. “Because even if I went too far with Steve, he wouldn’t believe that I had any agenda to be mean.”
The weird thing about the Mulaney line is that it doesn’t seem any more scathing than dozens of other insults the two have traded in the past.
For example, check out some of the burn-grenades Short and Martin have thrown at one another in recent years…
Short on Martin
“Steve is whiter than a Mormon golf team.”
“When he pulls out his banjo, people in China beg for lockdowns.”
“(Only Murders In The Building) is like Steve at the urinal. It streams for 32 minutes.”
“I love touring with Steve, but at his age, there are certain problems. When the curtain goes up, Steve says, ‘I’m ready, Jesus!’ And he starts heading toward the light.”
“I’m always asked, ‘What’s Steve Martin really like?’ And I always say, ‘I don’t know, you’re his wife.”
“You don’t age. That’s the benefit of looking 70 since you were 30, but still.”
“Of all the people I have a fake show business friendship with, Steve is the star I’m fake closest to.”
Martin on Short
“We have been together so long, we can actually finish each other’s careers. We’re like the co-anchors on Good Morning America without the office sex.”
“Right before COVID started, we were touring Ireland. But we had to leave suddenly because Marty couldn’t say ‘Aer Lingus’ without giggling.”
“Marty has a wonderful girlfriend. Smart, beautiful and so realistic.”
“When Marty and I fly together, we save a lot of money because Marty fits conveniently in the overhead bin.”
“(singing) Let’s count the awards that you have won — 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6… none.”
“You know what I love about touring with Marty Short? No paparazzi.”
“Working with Marty Short is like World Cup soccer. I just can’t get into it.”