Rob Schneider Offers Asylum to Protect British Comics From 'Tyranny'

The British are coming! The British are coming! Or at least the funny ones are on their way if Rob Schneider has anything to say about it.

Schneider took a break from bashing the libs and apologizing to his estranged daughter today to offer a life raft to all of those U.K. comics under assault by their oppressive government. 

Yikes! What’s going on across the pond? 

“Tyranny has returned to the United Kingdom,” Schneider brayed on his Twitter/X account. 

Sounds serious. Are comedians being placed in the stocks? Having their heads cut off? Not exactly. Schneider is reacting to another social media post decrying a decision by a British judge to jail someone for an offensive social media post. 

Could Ricky Gervais and his edgy vodka ads be next? Not if Schneider has anything to say about it. “I am starting a new media company and I am bringing over British writers, Producers and comedian,” Schneider posted — and he’s going to need a writer or two to fix his odd capitalization, irregular use of plural nouns and when-I-feel-like-it punctuation.

“Dear Friends,” he writes in another post. “I am offering refuge and work to United Kingdom comedians and writers, who have had their Freedom of Speech REMOVED by their repressive government, to come here to the United States, where Freedom of Speech is enshrined in our Constitution.”

Are we sure the United States is where British comics should find asylum? After all, one guy told British comic John Cleese that America is where “they’re running out of people to cancel so they’re canceling dead people.” 

Wait, that was Rob Schneider. Guess cancel culture isn’t a problem here anymore, eh Rob? Good to know.

How exactly do U.K. comedians and writers get signed up for Schneider Asylum Productions — or whatever the new freedom-first venture will be called? Schneider, who praises the talents of Monty Python and Peter Cook as the Beatles of comedy, is making it easy. 

By filling out a simple form on RobSchneider.com, all those funny people can earn their green cards and rant about whatever immigration policies strike their fancy.  

But there’s one problem: I clicked through to RobSchneider.com and that sign-up form is nowhere to be found. There’s tour info, links to a podcast Schneider hasn’t recorded in four years and ads for Daddy Daughter Trip, his self-produced movie about what a great girl-dad he is. 

Conspicuously missing is the form Schneider promises British comics on his Twitter/X feed. Perhaps some nefarious British barristers have sabotaged RobSchneider.com in an effort to continue their reign of tyranny? Or maybe Schneider got all blustery before he got his web guy to update his site. 

Let’s go, man — a nation of oppressed comedians is counting on you.