These Olympics Will Be Remembered for All the Penises

For an event involving some of the least sexy physical activities imaginable, there’s a strange aura of naughtiness that clings to the Olympics. The games used to be performed naked, and people develop a bizarre voyeurism about all the behind-the-scenes Olympic Village hookups in a way they just don’t about, say, Comic-Con. But 2024 marked a historical high for Olympic genitalia, as never before have so many penis-related stories emerged.

First, there were the opening ceremonies and a whole bunch of right-wingers revealing that they know nothing about Greek mythology. As they scrutinized every inch of what they insisted was a recreation of the Last Supper, they swore they scruted some scrote and accused a dancer of hanging dong right there in front of Dionysus and everybody. It turned out to just be a run in his stockings, proving they don’t know what dangly bits look like, either.

Next, photos of French diver Jules Bouyer went viral due to his simply unignorably massive hog. You know those tiny little Speedos they have to wear? It was like a really hot train wreck. Can trains do U-turns? It didn’t help that he was competing in synchronized diving, so he appeared constantly next to his less freakishly sized partner for comparison. Imagine being that guy right now.

Finally, French pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati’s dreams of gold were crushed beneath the weight of his own flapping flogger after he managed to clear the bar but his dick didn’t, relegating him to the competitive Siberia of 12th place. There’s slow-motion video. 

Serious question: What’s going on in France? And do they have some kind of remote worker visa program? Asking for a colleague.

But it could be worse — it could be the Winter Olympics. In 2022, skier Remi Lindholm ended up with a case of frozen schlong requiring a heating pad at the finish line — and that was just the beginning of his troubles. “When the body parts started to warm up after the finish, the pain was unbearable,” he said. Believe it or not, this wasn’t Lindholm’s first experience with frost-pipe either, having experienced it at the World Cup just the year before. Then he went out and did it again. 

Now that’s a real hero.