The 5 Worst Product Placements in Space
Space is supposed to be a vast expanse of mystery, untouched by human hands and suffused with the unknowable. Which is exactly why I can’t tell you enough how much I hate the fact that they have indeed filmed commercials in space. Man’s triumph over space travel is something that should exist in the history books without a footnote about how they hauled a Twinkie up there to sell.
Nothing in this cursed world can last without being commodified, and thanks to these five commercials, that apparently applies outside of this world as well.
Pepsi
Of course, as soon as there was a real chance we’d make it out of the atmosphere, you knew one of the two premier diabetes-slingers would get in on it. When the Russian space program needed money, PepsiCo was all too happy to subsidize them in return for the Russians filming an ad on their next massive scientific triumph.
They sent up a special space-safe Pepsi, the design of which required $14 million fed into the Wendigo-like maw of consumerism right off the bat. All so they could make some 30-second stinger that’s like, “The sip of the future,” or some similarly insipid bullshit.
Pizza Hut
“How funny would it be to see a Pizza Hut guy delivering a pizza to the International Space Station?”
I can answer that for you: the absolute bare minimum to qualify as comedy and not just a five-year-old’s doodle during their kindergarten enrichment period. Luckily, it went off without a hitch, but I can easily see a world where, in order to hawk the official dinner of exhausted families, a crumb of crust made its way into some important seal and sent the whole ISS into crisis mode.
Sandwiches are banned in space for this exact reason, after all, but apparently that’s only if profit margins can’t benefit.
Cup Noodles
First of all, the idea of Cup Noodles in space brings to mind nothing except some sort of futuristic pattern of third-degree burns made possible by a lack of gravity. Good luck with the rest of your mission when you’re dodging dehydrated peas and flavor packet mist for the next month. Nevertheless, Nissin managed to cash-convince the Russian space program it was worth selling more college student baseline calories.
Cup Noodles barely needs advertisement anyways. You know about them because of necessity, not choice.
Element 21
Apparently, golf wasn’t satisfied with wasting huge amounts of earthbound territory in the name of a way for rich guys to blow off steam after their maids leave streaks on the bay windows. As a promotion for Element 21, which I guess is some sort of golf company I’m not familiar with because I rent, not own, a cosmonaut drove a golf ball off the International Space Station.
I can’t wait for that dimpled little sphere to land in the gills of the emperor of some far-off civilization who then brings all of his subjects here to vaporize us as penance.
Tnuva
Apparently, the company that owns the bragging rights to the first-ever advertisement in space is an Israeli milk company called Tnuva, which I’ve never heard of, so good job. I hope it was worth forever shattering the mystique of space, guys.