Denis Leary’s 20-Year-Old Rant About the Summer Olympics Still Holds Up

Complaining about the Summer Olympics didn’t begin with Candace Cameron Bure and Rob Schneider. Back in 2004, Leary appeared on Late Show with David Letterman with some serious Olympic axes to grind. While a few of Leary’s jokes didn’t age well — assuming he wrote them in the first place — a lot of his criticism still resonates today. 

Letterman led him into the rant, recognizing that Leary was a sports fan in general and a hockey enthusiast in particular. But the Summer Olympics? “I think some of the stuff just really isn’t sports,” he complained. “For example, the pommel horse thing. These are circus people, Dave.” 

Part of the problem, Leary griped, is that the judges don’t even know what they’re supposed to be judging. “They don’t know how to let these people win. You know, he flew around in the air, he landed. All right, give him the gold medal. You know, he’s got a gay outfit on — give him another medal.” 

Like I said, some of the jokes don’t age well.

Another thing that grinds Leary’s gears? Anointing the Olympic sprint winner as the Fastest Man Alive. “That’s very subjective to me,” Leary said. “Because take me, you, (Letterman guest and comedian) Eddie Brill, seven guys in this audience, right? Strap some bacon to our asses and let a grizzly bear go? I think I can win that race.”

Speaking of bears, Leary thinks the Olympics are doing animals a disservice by excluding them from the Games: “I tell you what, you put a couple of sharks in that swimming pool and (28-time medalist Michael) Phelps is a dead man.” In that scenario, Leary envisions himself winning another gold. “I’ll be out before anyone.”

You know what Olympic event has Letterman’s attention? That synchronized diving. (Or at least that’s what it says on Letterman’s note cards from the Leary pre-interview.) Here’s the only good thing about the new sport, said Leary. “Have you seen them crash? When they bump into (one another)? Have you seen this? When they bump into each other, it’s better than NASCAR. Really, it’s a free fall all the way down.” 

Don’t get Leary wrong — he has mad respect for divers. “I would never get up that high and jump off a little platform into a big giant pool. I’d probably miss, okay?” But it takes a real idiot to watch divers and think that two athletes coming down exactly the same way is better. “That’s like four guys boxing! It makes no sense! We have ADD, we’re bored now.”

Doping was an even bigger issue in 2004 than it is now, but Leary’s solution wasn’t more testing. “Let’s just give them all the drugs and let them get as big as they want,” he suggested. “Huge, gimongous athletes. Biggest people ever. So what if you can throw a shot put 25 yards? I want to see you throw an actual Olympic official from Athens into downtown Paris.”