The 19 Dumbest Jokes Comedians Made About Their Wives
Rodney Dangerfield was the king of telling dumb jokes about his wife, a practice he got away with because his own ineptitude as a romantic partner usually made him the butt of the joke. But in the name of spreading the wealth, here are plenty of classic and contemporary comics joining Dangerfield in delivering spousal punchlines. Before you head to marriage counseling, take these dumb wife jokes — please…
Hasan Minhaj
“I recently got married. It was like a reverse Lord of the Rings situation where I got a ring and then I lost half of my power.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”
Nate Bargatze
“She put Life360 on my phone. That’s so they can track you even when they’re not near you. You might not even know you have it on your phone. It’s worse than what the government’s doing. I would rather the government track me than her. She just calls me: ‘Why are you at Krispy Kreme Donuts?’ I’m like, ‘Look, I’m not gonna live like this, all right?’"
Rodney Dangerfield
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
Woody Allen
“In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.”
Ron Funches
“I know how good my marriage is now because I could base it off of how shitty my first marriage was.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers and a bartender.”
Henny Youngman
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.”
Larry the Cable Guy
“My wife has me on the diet now where I can have one cheat day. So I can have a hamburger with the cheese and the bun one day a week — or anytime I drive by a fast-food restaurant when she’s not with me in the car.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“I can’t hang out with single guys. If you don’t have a wife, we have nothing to talk about. You have a girlfriend? That’s wiffle ball, my friend. You’re playing paintball war. I’m in Afghanistan with real loaded weapons.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“My wife wants sex in the back of the car, and she wants me to drive.”
Jim Gaffigan
“My wife is half-Catholic and half-Jewish so her guilt trip is like a superpower.”
Milton Berle
“A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.”
Rodney Dangerfield
“My wife was afraid of the dark. Then she saw me naked, and now she’s afraid of the light.”
Tracy Morgan
“This is my second marriage. This one gotta work. You know how much alimony and child support that’d be? I would have to get hit by a second Walmart truck.”
Henny Youngman
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
Jack Benny
“My wife Mary and I have been married for 47 years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never.”
Tim Conway
“Fortunately, my wife is understanding. When I come home from the races, she never asks any questions if I tell her I just ate a $380 hot dog.”
Ray Romano
“In the beginning of a relationship, you’re in the do-no-wrong phase. Whatever you do is cute, it’s sweet. And now, we’ve crossed over. I’m in the do-no-right phase.”