Eternally Single Bill Maher Shares New Rules for Men to Attract Women

If a man were looking for relationship advice, you’d think he could do better than Bill Maher. The guy seems allergic to a committed monogamous relationship, instead opting for a series of flings with Playboy Cyber Girls, swimsuit models and ex-Juggy Dancers from The Man Show. Then again, maybe this is exactly the kind of “relationship expert” some guys are looking for.  

Whether anyone wants his love advice or not, Maher was dishing it out as part of his New Rules this week. Like a modern-day Mystery from The Pick-Up Artist, Maher laid out his G.A.M.E. method for succeeding with the ladies, an acronym that signals the cringe he’s about to share with America’s eligible bachelors.

Dressed in his seduction clothes (an ill-fitting black T-shirt and gray sweatpants), Maher stood before a TED Talk sign to signal his lecture. He got things off to a suave start by thrusting his index finger into the okay sign on his other hand, middle-school sign language for sexy time. “Does this remind you of anything?” he asked, somehow avoiding the bed-squeaking sound effects that his gesture demands. “Because it’s broken for an entire generation of young people. But what if I told you that with a few small changes, you could be touching an actual woman instead of jerking off in your parents’ basement?”

Sounds too good to be true, Bill Maher. How do we do it? It’s simple, he says — just follow the steps of the G.A.M.E. 

The G in G.A.M.E. stands for “Go outside,” Maher explained. Also for “goodwill,” not as in “respect your fellow man,” but as in “take your old shitty clothes to Goodwill and buy some new ones,” lectured the guy in T-shirt and joggers. Get a belt, the New Rules dictate. No elastic waists. Put on a shirt with a collar. In other words, don’t dress like Maher in this video.  

After some sensible advice about washing one’s ass, Maher moved on to the A in G.A.M.E. — “Act normal.” “Normal,” in this case, means “act like Bill Maher.” Are you into Renaissance Faires? Bill Maher isn’t, so keep it to yourself! One piece of good advice: No dick pics. Women hate them and even a good one is still a hate crime.

The M in G.A.M.E. is “Man up,” said Maher. Get over your fear of rejection and ask women out. Maher seemed obsessed with the idea that most young men these days are pleasuring themselves in their parents’ basements — get out and meet a gal, he urged, as if the secret to engaging members of the opposite sex is to… engage members of the opposite sex. Good talk, Bill. 

Finally, it’s E for “Eye contact,” which sounds suspiciously like Man Up. Once again, Maher encouraged men to engage young women directly, just like he did all those years at the Playboy Mansion when his conquests believed he might land them a job on television. He explained his theory that women show cleavage to trap men into staring at their necklines instead of their eyes. Look up and make eye contact to pass their devious test, Maher said, imagining a scheme that’s unlikely to exist anywhere other than in his skull. 

In summary: Maher says take a bath, talk to women and don’t be a weirdo. New rules, or just an aging bachelor comic telling us everything we already knew?